Friend (A) that I’m not super close with shanghaied me and a mutual friend (J) that she’s closer with into “planning” a surprise party for her girlfriend that I don’t know (G).
A lives out of state, and she suddenly asked J and I to “help” because we live where G is.
This is not the first time A overstepped her boundaries. Last year, when she planned to visit G she invited herself without me offering to stay at my place. I quickly stood my ground and said no, I live with my spouse who doesn’t know A and we would not be comfortable with a guest, we never host anyone.
As soon as she learned that I made plans to I travel to her city last year, she ordered me to gift her 2 pounds of dried fruits and nuts from my city without me even offering. I was furious that she was so impolite and ignored her.
I have been trying to be courteous as we have mutual friends – J who I am closer to and she is much kinder and fairer. But I am in no way close with A.
Suddenly A started a chat group and came up with an elaborate plan announcing that “my bffs in this city J and (my name) will help”. Wtf?!?! I am not your bff. It was down without prior notice or any questions. The chat group included a bunch of mutual friends and her gf’s friends that I don’t know. The restaurant is a Michelin star at least $200+ for private parties before tax and tips and there’s no way I can afford it. I have already told her that and asked how she’d like to split the costs. She ghosted me.
A has repeatedly crossed my boundaries and it makes me furious. I care about my friendship with J. But if it were up to me I would not be friends with A.
How can I best handle this delicate situation so that I can stay good friends with J when J does not see how ridiculous A is ? Their friendship is not the same as they have been closer for a long time.
Thanks in advance!
Edit: It may be worth noting that these friends and I come from a very “collective” Asian culture – where relationships are tied to reputation and personal self worth. Talking about money is taboo because it will cause one to “lose face”. HOWEVER, I clearly ascribe to “individualistic” values (for a number of reasons, including that I grew up being educated differently, and choosing different personal beliefs / philosophy) so they see things a bit differently. It’s surprising that nobody else (who I believe are more in the collective culture) brought up the money question – which is a sign. So cultural clash / context is a part of the equation.
15 comments
I hate initials.
Just withdraw from the friendship with Amy (“I won’t be able to help with the party, sorry. Please remove me from the chat” and then ignore). Continue reaching out to Jan as normal. If Jan asks about Amy, be honest but succinct that you’ve decided to withdraw from that friendship but you hope it won’t affect your relationship with Jan. If Jan wants to cut you off or create drama, that’s too bad but it’s better than being held hostage by Amy forever.
When you mean “ghosted,” did she leave you on read?
Dont you go to this party- you WILL be bulldozed into paying a large portion of the bill!
Just respond in the group text “That restaurant is out of my budget, so I’ll bow out. But I hope you all have a great time!”
To any pushback, just keep responding “Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” Or some close iteration.
Make your “No” final and cheerful and if J is at all reasonable, she won’t have an issue with you setting this boundary with A.
If J is cool with A deciding that J plan this party and pay, that’s J’s decision. Not your problem and has nothing to do with you.
If you have a problem with A deciding that you plan this party and pay, that’s your decision. Not J’s problem and has nothing to do with J.
You told A this was out of your range and they ignored you — after committing you without consulting with you. You are under no obligation to go. Personally, I recommend not going, and the sooner you say you won’t go, the better. How much detail/explanation you add is up to you, but you don’t have to explain anything further (and you’ve already clearly stated this is not financially viable for you).
I would also be wary of how much effort you put into the relationship with A. Doesn’t sound like much of a friend, but you can still be nice/friendly even so (if you want).
You mean ex-friend…right?
Go and eat and then leave before check comes hehehehhe
That’s not a friend, that’s an acquaintance who takes advantage of you repeatedly. Stop letting her get away with it. If your mutual friend has a problem with that, she’s not much of a friend either.
Don’t even bring up money or how rude it is to assume your contribution; just type “so sorry I’m not available that weekend” and remove yourself from the chat immediately
Dine and dash
Just say you can’t afford to go and stop associating with “A” from now on. If you know she’ll be at X event or place, don’t bother showing up. If people have a problem with it, they’re not really your friends.
You sounds like my spouse. She is very kind and often taken advantage by some of her “friends”.
Short story, we have learn wiser and cut down the numbers of “friends” that we have.
I suggest you just leave the group and ignore her. She isn’t your friend, she is a toxic in your life.
I get the whole Asian culture not talking about money afraid of losing face. But what I love about Asian culture is that sometimes they are also super blunt. I would be like – so you want us to plan it? So you’ll be paying for my share right as a thank you?
I used to love to watch my aunts and uncles do this, there was so much trying to save face but also a lot of throwing it in your face lol. If they were in your situation they would say – michelin restaurant? Wow you must be so successful? Or did you come into money? So fancy. I’m happy to plan it, thank you for treating!!!!
Be more like my aunts and uncles. Throw it back at her.
Or not. You always cut ties and just side message J – hey I’m not feeling A anymore, but we’re cool.
Stand your ground. Enough is enough.
You know your an adult right? Just because someone orders you to do something, doesnt mean you have to. What are they going to take away? Your phone or car? Their friendship? Sounds like a user anyway that you would be good to remove