Hello. I’m 20F and my friend is 21F. We have been best friends for about 7 years and everything has been fine until about 1.5 years ago. 1.5 years ago she met someone, and I was super happy for her since her experience with relationships in general were not very nice and also because her mom liked this guy, which she usually didn’t. They were super in love and since I have a boyfriend as well, and also went through the honeymoon phase, I didn’t mind about hers. I was expecting to spend less time with her for a few months until her honeymoon phase kind of faded away, but we’re 1.5 years later and the phase is still standing strong. She never wants to hang out with me anymore because she’s scared of what her boyfriend will say. He doesn’t forbid her from hanging out with me at all but I guess she’s just scared to dissapoint him or even spend less time with him as she wants to be around him 24/7.
Another problem is that even messaging her has been annoying asf. She is always trying to compete with my boyfriend (and me as well) and show everyone that her boyfriend is the best guy ever and has tons of money (which he doesn’t). For example: I tell her I have found a nice appartement to buy which has gotten my interest, she tells me her and her boyfriend have found a huuuuge house somewhere or always something like that. Please note this guy makes okay money for his age, around 4k a month I’d say. This will NEVER be enough to buy the ‘villa’s’ she has gotten on her mind. She also doesn’t work and doesn’t want to proceed with university, because her bf makes enough money. I think she is just living in a bubble and not realizing something could go wrong in their relationship, leaving her with no education nor a start to earn some decent money herself. She is telling me that at 21 years of age, she wants to have kids already (which is okay, but still, I know she’ll regret it a lot when she’s older, because she kind of threw away her twenties). I know that eventually when she is REALLY looking for a place to live, she will be devastated by finding out the money they earn ‘together’ is not even enough to buy a normal two story house. With luck they could find an appartement maybe but that’s about it.
At this point I don’t ever see her anymore, messaging her annoys me, so I’m thinking about completely ending this friendship. I’m worried about her and I once tried to tell her maybe she shouldn’t depend on him so much but she just felt hurt and got kind of mad at me. I’m just wondering, will this endless honeymoon phase ever end? Is it really best to just quit this friendship completely? Does anyone else have advice or experience with a similar situation?
2 comments
It’s pretty normal for friendships to ebb and flow over time, and sometimes fade away altogether. You guys were basically still children when you met, so it’s natural that as you grow into adults you will grow in different directions.
It is always okay to end friendships that are actively adding stress and hurt feelings to your life.
But one of the beautiful things about friendships is that they CAN ebb and flow in ways that romantic partnerships usually cannot. What I mean is that friendships don’t have to be “all or nothing” — it doesn’t have to be that *either* your friendship with this woman goes back to how it was when you were teenagers *or* you never talk to her again. It could also just be that you become the kind of friends who check in every month or two and occasionally get together for coffee rather than “best friends” who talk constantly and are involved in every aspect of each others lives.
Think about what’s really best for you here. If you think she’s really a toxic person and you get little out of the friendship, maybe it does make sense to burn that bridge and walk away completely.
Or maybe it’s just a matter of adjusting your expectations for the friendship; maybe it’s about stepping back rather than walking away.
Op no offence but you sound bitter about your friend being happy… friendships especially childhood friendships don’t always last forever, alot of the time you drift apart as you both grow in different directions and want different things for example her wanting kids and you saying she’ll regret it, which you don’t know, I have friends that had children young and now that their kids are older they can live it up. Also you don’t actually know how much money he makes… you say it’s 4k a month but you have no idea if he has invested money in stocks or other ventures of even if he has a side hustle.
If this bf turns in to a fiance then expect to be feeling even more neglected.