For background: I (30f) just moved in with my boyfriend (30m). My income is significantly higher than his (he’s technically a student so living on grants and scholarships), so I pay a large majority of the rent, bills, etc., which is not a problem, but he is a little sensitive about it. He works from home and I work in an office.
The problem is is that he is not clean. We are meant to split cleaning 50/50. I am a very clean person and I understand that I need to give a little, but it has gotten to the point where I feel as though I do most of the work around the house. For example, if I cook and he cleans up, I end up re-washing most of the pans and bowls because he leaves oil or other bits of food. If I have just cleaned the kitchen, he’ll come in and make a pizza, get crumbs everywhere, and leave his dirty plate in the sink. I don’t even want to talk about the bathroom. We have a cleaning routine, but my definition of clean and his definition of clean are vastly different.
I have sat him down and told him how it makes me feel when he doesn’t pull his weight, but he gets very defensive. I do not want to play the money card because I feel that it’s unfair, but it feels like I’m paying for a home that I’m uncomfortable in and don’t get to enjoy because I’m constantly cleaning up after him. Do I just need to lower my cleanliness standards? How do I go about this?
TLDR: I pay for an apartment where I constantly clean up after my boyfriend. He thinks I need to just lower my cleanliness standards.
11 comments
I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re paying the bills AND cleaning the house after him? He’s not a child. Be firm with him. Don’t let his reaction sway you into backing down. He needs to know what your expectations are. It’s YOUR place. He’s living with you, mostly for free from what you’ve said. You get to choose what qualifies as clean and he needs to pull his weight. Simple as that. Don’t be the breadwinner and a maid for this man.
How did you not know about his cleanliness before now?
How was he living on his own before if you’re paying for everything now?
Not sure why he’d do anything differently. He has a HF who pays for everything and if he does a shit job at cleaning, she’ll do that too. Bangmaid is what we call that.
I would suggest explicit calm conversation with clear expectations of what he needs to do and that if he won’t do it (the dishes sounds like weaponised incompetence) then you can’t live together.
I would ask him to move out if he can’t meet your standards of cleanliness.
Show him how to clean dishes with hot water and soap. Perhaps he was never taught the proper way?
Honey, just kick him out. He can go live somewhere while he puts on the training wheels and learns how to live with others.
You’re not obligated to pay for 90% of things and do 75-90% of the household chores. He’s a boyfriend, not a toddler. Treat him like an adult – one who can shape up or live elsewhere.
Don’t rewash dishes he doesn’t do properly. Let him do it. If he complains about doing it twice, point out that it’s because he didn’t do it properly in the first place. He’s a grown man; he can pull his weight or live elsewhere, and if his feelings are hurt by that he brought it on himself.
No, you should not lower your standards. He should raise his standards of cleanliness to be that of basic adulting and if he is unable to do that, then you need to think about the future of this relationship. As of now, you pay the bills and clean for him. He basically has no reason to improve.
Don’t approach it as him not pulling his weight; that isn’t effective because he just gets defensive and nothing changes. Approach it from how YOU feel and how he can help you feel better. You have different standards of cleanliness, so make it about meeting in the middle instead of his standards being wrong or not good enough. Maybe he wasn’t taught proper methods of cleaning – can you show him how you like it done?
Something like “Hey partner, I’m so glad we decided to move in together, but it has been a bit of an adjustment because I’m used to things being a certain way. I feel stressed (or whatever specific feeling) when I come home from work and the house isn’t clean because a clean and calm environment is important to me and my mental health. I really appreciate the things you do to help out, like dishes, but can I show you how I like them to be done so we can be on the same page?”
If he’s open to these conversations and willing to learn, it might just take some patience and understanding to get to a place where you both feel comfortable in your home. If he’s not open to these conversations and keeps expecting you to change your expectations without him changing anything, you’ll have to decide if you’re okay with that or make the decision to not live with him.
Some of these men need more time in the womb because they’re not done. Jeez no there is no compromising here. He needs to clean and it’s not anal to expect dishes not have oil or bits of food in them. Don’t settle
I would honestly tell him this isn’t working out so well for you and you’re starting to reconsider your options. Men 100% take this stuff for granted (if you want it clean then you can clean it) and it’s frankly BS. Why should you change everything about your preferences while he changes nothing? Let him think on it.