My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married and living together for 2 years.
He has an issue where he overreacts, like incredibly badly overreacting over the smallest thing, say I spill milk on the carpet, he’ll jump up and say “are you fucking kidding me [my name]?!??!?” That’s just one example. He’s snapped over the smallest things in the world.
I definitely under react when it comes to things like that.
For example, he lost my keys once, I joked around with him and told him we’ll find them together,
He thought I lost his keys (he actually lost them) and he told me to never touch his shit again, this is why he doesn’t want me touching shit, where the fuck are my keys, etc.
This happens like once a week, it used to be everyday – but I talked to him about it, told him it’s a dealbreaker if he’s going to be acting like that every day.
Honestly it’s been taking a toll on my sex drive a ton, how am I supposed to be sexually attracted to someone who always snaps at me like this???
We had to spend 3 months at his mothers house while we were looking for houses to buy, he told me he didn’t want us having sex because I’m way too loud and I agreed, I told him it was fine.
He initiates sex every night anyways, tells me I need to actually shut the fuck up during sex (not even in a sexual way, in a very angry way) almost every night and I’d just push him off and cry while he goes on a rant about “why the fuck is it so hard for you to just be quiet? I don’t want my mom hearing that shit, it’s embarrassing.” even though he’s the one who’d initiate.
This honestly took a massive blow to my sex drive…. After staying with his mom our sex life went to every night to once a week whenever he asks. He asks for sex every night, and if I don’t want to have sex with him, he asks me to jerk him off or blow him. I’m really tired of having to reject him because I don’t want to have sex. I can’t be sexually attracted to him if he keeps acting like this.
Other than that, he’s an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats.
How can I lay it in gently that I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore??? I don’t want him to take offense.
44 comments
I am sorry
You really can’t do this gently when this man is actively trying to sexually assault you.
You’re in an abusive relationship. The good times only seem good in comparison to how horrible he’s being. You need to get out.
How is he amazing if he’s blowing up all the time? I also hate to say this, and you were 19 when he was 26 when you met? That’s a red flag right there. He’s abusive and this isn’t going to get better. You may need to divorce. He isn’t going to change if he’s like this for 3 years. If you leave, try to find someone who isn’t explosive.
There is no gentle way to say this and I doubt he will handle just not having sex well.
He’s not an amazing husband. You’re being abused, this is an abusive relationship. You need to get yourself out of there, there’s no fixing this. You’re still young to have an amazing life, don’t waste anymore of your youth on this asswipe.
You got married too young and he’s too old for you and immature. He married you at 19 because that’s what controlling men do. They find a woman who is young and impressionable.
You don’t need to tell him gently. You need to make arrangements for yourself to live elsewhere and plans to divorce him. Then, when you are ready, when he is not home, pack up as much of your stuff as you can and leave.
It is not going to get better and you are too young to be stuck with a terrible person. I don’t care how nice he is sometimes, no one should be as awful as you described. Ever. That is unacceptable behavior by someone that is supposed to love you.
Other than that’s he’s amazing? I think you need to read your post again and analyse the “other than that” part.
Sounds like you have a narcissist.
Other than that (sexual assault), he’s an amazing husband!
Do you mean how do you stop your husband from abusing you? So he got with you when you were 19 and he was 26? And locked you in with marriage one year later? Gurl, what are you doing? This abuse will get worse and you sound very naive if you think because he’s “amazing” even with him doing this and telling you to “shut the fk up” during sex. Get out now while you’re still young. You should be out enjoying your 20’s not stuck dealing with this heavy sht so young.
“Aside from him verbally abusing me and pressuring me to have sex with him, he’s a great husband!” Dude.
The “other than that” part is pretty fucking significant. This man is abusive and it will only get worse.
>I feel like Im not allowed to complain much
Oh yes, you are allowed.
Whatever kind of a guy he is when he is not abusing you, it does not make him an amazing husband. Honestly, the way he treats you, talks to you…
So, when he is overreacting badly like weekly at least per your description coming down from daily you
>told him it’s a dealbreaker if he’s going to be acting like that every day
Yet here you are, with an abusing husband still. Statements like this lose all meaning when you do not follow through with it. Granted, not daily anymore but what now?
I am somewhat worried reading this at the end
> I don’t want him to take offense.
Please, if you are in any danger you need to get help from family, friends or even better professional people for dealing with an abusive person. See if you are afraid of telling someone like this the truth and their reactions to it then it’s really not a good sign at all.
I do hope you will be ok
>I feel like I’m too young to be carrying this mental load. It’s making me depressed, I thought I’d be enjoying my 20s
See it like this. With a really loving and caring partner that respects you, values you as a person, partner, lover, friend it will be enjoyable. Even alone it can be. Just not with someone like you are describing….
Take good care of yourself please.
Oh, honey. He’s being cruel to you. His good qualities don’t make up for that. You’re so young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you to spend with someone who doesn’t yell at you and swear at you and demand sex when you don’t want it. I don’t suggest telling him you’re not sexually attracted to him. A man who reacts with explosive anger when you spill milk is not safe to say that to. I suggest you find a divorce lawyer and make plans to leave this relationship, and then physically leave before you ask for a divorce.
I have next to no doubt he’s a narcissist. I know that gets thrown around a lot, and I still have a little doubt, but the being great half the time is only so he can treat you how he wants behind closed doors. How long have yall been together? Cause the age difference, and already being married sets off some alarms. He’s certainly someone to avoid. I think you should leave cause the sexual abuse (that is what it is) is awful and I can’t imagine how you felt after his comments at his mother’s place… good luck
Nothing about this makes me believe he’s “very affectionate”. Yikes.
You got married after 1 year? Cmon man
There is no “he is otherwise an amazing husband.” That is not how things work, being verbally and emotionally abusive is mutually exclusive from amazing husband’ing. The things you list as examples of him being “amazing” are honestly just basic decency and the bare minimum. It just *feels* amazing because so often he is treating you like shit. You don’t deserve that.
He isn’t an amazing man, he is verbally abusive, picks on you and demands sex.
If your friend told this to you, what would you tell her? Well, he is amazing 80% of the time, just suck it up, or honey, it’s time to go, don’t stay while husband is knocking down your confidence.
Divorce.
You’re way too young to be married, especially to an abuser.
GIRL.
>This happens like once a week, it used to be everyday – but I talked to him about it, told him it’s a dealbreaker if he’s going to be acting like that every day.
So he demonstrated that with effort he can reduce the outbursts. That should mean that if he really wanted to it could be something he basically stops entirely, right? It also shows that he knows that how he was acting was bad, so the fact it is ‘only’ weekly is kind of absurd. Worse, given you can’t know when he will explode in your mind you are forced to anticipate it every minute of every day, in effect you are always anxious about it meaning that anger is still effecting you even when it isn’t active.
>Other than that, he’s an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats.
I mean, only if you are acting within the confines of his expectations, right? Heck, he will through a tantrum over things that aren’t even your fault, at that point you were a punching bag for him to vent his anxiety at his own mistakes. You say he has taken care of you but he has done a lot of emotional damage.
I mean, look how he treated you during sex. That was traumatising and emotional abuse. And he wonders why you might not be into it now after spending months making sex the worst thing in the world for you.
Be real about that. Isn’t your life increasingly revolving around the fear of the next time he will have a meltdown?
Your best bet would be to leave before you get pregnant by this man and are really stuck in a sh*tty situation. It is never acceptable to habitually treat a partner the way your husband has been treating you. He’s abusive and as the years go on, I promise you it’ll only get worse.
You met this dude when he was 26 and you were 18 (I hope).
This was never going to work out. End it before you have kids.
He sounds like a narcissist and this sounds like an abusive relationship. Sounds like it’ll only get worse.
Ask yourself why did you get married SO young when you’re still developing yourself? Ask yourself why he almost a decade older than you, is with you? Could it be he finds you, a young adult easy to control compared to women his own age? Not shitting on age gaps, but you definitely need to ask that question, it’s not like the dating pool in your late 20s is slim pickings.
He’s definitely not an amazing husband. He’s an abusive asshole. No wonder you’re not attracted to him. He sounds dreadful
I think you need to re-read what you wrote and let it digest. This is not healthy, not normal, and is a form of abuse.
Leave.
So you describe a borderline nightmare partner, how he is taking a toll on you mentally, and go on to say:
>Other than that, he’s an amazing husband, he takes me out on dates often, very affectionate, appreciates me, takes care of me and my cats.
You are in denial and need to take a second to think about this whole relationship and how it’s affecting you. You are afraid to even tell him that you are no longer attracted to him. You have been emotionally abused, and the worst part is that you seem to have been getting comfortable with it for a long time, please get out of there for your own good.
Share this post with him. He needs to hear it directly.
And then leave him if he doesn’t get into therapy.
He sounds like a complete asshole.
Good luck! 🍀
“Other than that…he appreciates me…”
I don’t think that phrase means what you think it does.
Should’ve left when you were 18 and he was 26.
Leave asap
What the fuck!? This entire shit is messed up. Leave that person. Fuck him. He can jerk his own dick and yell at himself for being a cunt!
dude just no. how long did y’all know each other before getting together and getting married? since y’all been together since you were 18 and he 26 but that’s just me
don’t put up with bullshit like that, you don’t deserve to be screamed at by someone who claims to love you
You’re in an abusive relationship, you think it’s always bad? No that’s why the victims stay. Such as yourself.
Realize your worth sooner then later before you end up pregnant and then you’re truly stuck.
Do you hear yourself? “My husband treats me like garbage, but other than that he’s great!”
Life is too short to put up with that shit, get a divorce and set yourself free from this nonsense.
This is WHy I’m agasint getting married super young this dude doesn’t even like you and u still married him wtf
There’s a reason why he went after an 18f. So he could manipulate you.
There is a reason he went for someone who was barely an adult. Please get out of this relationship.
“Other than that, he’s an amazing husband” 🤣
This guy sounds like he sucks
You can tell him by ~~breaking up with him~~ getting a divorce jfc you’re married… What the fuck? Do you like being a mat for him to step and shit on regularly? Get some self respect and get yourself out of this “Marriage”.
You are way too young to be throwing your life away for him. Please get out when you’re financially stable enough to do so. It will only get worse as time goes on. It seems like there’s a power struggle. Why was a 26 year old dating an 18 year old in the first place? Because girls his age know better.
Please screen shot your own post and read it as it belonged to a stranger. Then identify where that husband is “a great husband” …
Please tell me this is fake for Reddit attention? “How do I gently tell my abusive husband….” Of course she’s not attracted to him.
I’m not here to judge but getting married to a mid-late 20s guy when you’re still a teenager isn’t the best start.