I was talking with my SO (35F) today and we were talking about our sex life. We’ve been together for almost 20 years. We have sex usually once a week. But when we do I feel like she’s just doing it to please me. It never seems like a priority for her. I made the comparison that sex to a me is like a brief trip to a theme park. Super fun and always up for it. I said that to her it seemed like sex is like going to the beach. Its not bad going to the beach but if its hot and crowded then you tolerate it or you just dont feel like dealing with it. If it’s the right place, right time, and right set of circumstances then it can be fun (which is rare). She says she’s always thinking about a million different things. She said it makes it difficult to cum because she has to try so hard to concentrate on it and it becomes a chore to do. Have any women here been in this situation? How do I get her to just enjoy the moment and clear her head of anything else. If feel like of she can she will enjoy sex a lot more and actually want it.
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You both might want to read the book “Come as you are” and see if anything resonates with either of you. I’m assuming she has a vibe already right?
Throwaway because reason, but recently had a similar conversation with my(M) partner(F). They’re okay doing it if I initiate or want it, but they don’t crave it and have other things they could be doing with me. It’s so weird because when we started, they initiated way more than I had ever experienced. It’s also really good. I explained that having me initiate it or the only one wanting it sort of kills it for me if it’s so one sided. They also explained it’s a lot of work, and they’re lazy. Not sure what to do.
What do you do to get her in the mood? In and out of the bedroom. What you do outside of the bedroom is just as important as inside. She may need more time and serenading. If she is constantly worrying about things, can those things be taken care of by you too?. She may just need more pampering. Obviously she needs to play her part too
My whole, I don’t know if philosophy is the right word, but, my whole philosophy when it comes to sex is don’t fuck just to come, or even play to fuck. I love just doing what feels good in the moment, and that’s usually a ridiculous amount of foreplay, touching, kissing, teasing before penis ever meets vagina, and we might stop half way through sex to go back to do something else, if it feels right at the time. All that to basically say, Do you guys have sex with the sole purpose of Cumming, or do you do it to just be together and enjoy each other and laugh and love on each other? Coz that might help, my current guy has a habit of asking what I’m thinking as he’s doing something, and once I finally find my voice and the words I need to use it, the answer is pretty much always “not a fuckin thing”. Maybe she just needs you to distract her mind for a while, not that that means you doing all the work, mind you.
So many people, incl women, are taking antidepressants (SNRIs, SSRIs, atypical antipsychotics) that kill sexual desire/libido both physically and mentally
She sounds stressed. She’s literally telling you she’s stressed. That will put the brakes on libido. What are you doing to lessen her load and make her life easier? What are you doing to relax her that isn’t about getting her in the mood for sex?
YES! This was my life for a long time. I’m 36 and my husband I have been together 18 years. Edibles allow my brain to shut down and to relax on what we are doing. For a long time, I could only orgasm at night right before bed. Now that our sex life has picked up, I don’t need either of those things, but edibles still make it more fun!
We had a huge wake up call recently and it opened up the door to some brutal honesty. It also made me realize I hadn’t been honest about all my feelings about situations in the past and I was holding onto some feelings.
Shame and feeling like I would be judged held me back with our sex life. After our wake up call, my sense of shame is gone. Why would I not want to give my marriage 110% all the time?!
I would be open to talking about more details with her/you if you had more questions or I could offer more suggestions. We are having the best sex of our lives and our relationship is blissful currently.
Maybe it’s not a problem of being indifferent as much as being different!
My husband get excited by the sight of me or sexy things. To me just watching his penis unfortunately doesn’t like turn me magically on….
I need the flirting, etc.
I find that putting music on helps me a lot to focus on what I’m feeling instead of thinking of what chores I have to do the next day.
I guess it’s might be more of a self exploration, but she needs to find what she enjoys.
Look up “Mental Load”. Many (mostly women) suffer with this and its hard to relax and let go in order to enjoy themselves. Perhaps your partner is unable to put aside all her “tasks”. Worth discussing with them and working out a better system for your home and management of labor within it.
I am in the same situation. We have been together for 8 years and sex when we were dating was amazing. We got married and it became less of a priority to her. We have had multiple conversations but got nowhere. It’s important to me because I feel close to her during. It’s getting very frustrating on my side. We went from almost every day to now once a month. We do have a 1 year old son, so I do understand that it won’t be everyday or even every other day. But still should happen.
>She said it makes it difficult to cum because she has to try so hard to concentrate on it and it becomes a chore to do
I think you two should do some research into and have a conversation about goal oriented sex vs pleasure oriented sex. Sounds like you’re currently having goal oriented sex, and it’s not working for her
Google mindfulness meditation. There are visualization and breathing exercises that are very helpful in training yourself to focus and ignore distracting thoughts. That can help.
I didn’t treat my wife all that great. I was very verbally abusive. I never hit her. We’d go months upon months upon months without sex. Or we didn’t talk to each other. It was me not her, I was the problem. And I’m correcting everything that causes me stress, anger, resentments. By eliminating them. And thus far, it’s been working. But with life, you know it causes a lot of emotions on the daily. I know there’s times where it will take me 3-5 days of sex in different periods of time to orgasm or for her to orgasm. Lot of it stress or unresolved feelings and emotions. But I know this much… dumping what’s been toxic for me and to us; it really brought us back together again. And I have a heightened feeling of love towards her in all new ways under new lights. That’s what I found for me maybe it will work for you or it won’t work but, that’s what I wanted to share with you. I just got rid of all that baggage and poured my soul out. And it’s been like 100k pounds of rock off my shoulders.
>She says she’s always thinking about a million different things. She said it makes it difficult to cum because she has to try so hard to concentrate on it and it becomes a chore to do.
Hi yeah this was me. Here are a few things that help me:
-THC edibles. A small dose will leave my brain totally blank and super fixated on tactile sensations. Way easier to concentrate.
-Getting tested for ADHD and being put on stimulants. The stims help me focus during the day so I’ll be more productive and have nothing left to do that night. They also tend to boost libido.
-Having sex that doesn’t focus on orgasm. My absolute BEST sessions with partners have been where neither of us finish. Sounds counterproductive, but sending each other further and further into bliss for several hours without any pressure or expectation to do something that will get the other off is fun as hell.
-Looking into responsive desire. I don’t really think about sex. Therefore I don’t initiate. However, if I know my partners are into me and they show that, I am RAVENOUS.
YMMV with all of these