I (F22) started dating my ex (M22) when we were both 17. He was my first love, first kiss and first everything besides actual sex and we dated for a little more than a year. For the most of it, we were each other’s ride or die and number one cheerleader. We shared many common points, including but not limited to our star sign, childhood neighborhood, bullying experiences and strict parents. Also, we were like the sun and the moon in the way that he was all sunshine-y and friendly, while I was introverted, caught up in my head.
Back then I had glaring issues with my self esteem and was a generally negative person who internalized the idea that she doesn’t deserve love. I hated the way I looked and I’d always ask him what he sees in me and different kinds of questions just to hear him validate and praise me. I would make a scene whenever I felt him vibing with someone else, even though he was loyal, and I would always test his love for me.
Meanwhile, he lied to me about trivial stuff like his height and grades. When confronted about it, he said he did it because he was afraid to lose me if he told me he was failing some classes (for context, we’re Romanian and the high schools here have a certain entry grade. I went to a more renowned high school than the one he went to and I had some pretty decent grades as well, but I never and never ever would gaf about this as long as I have someone who loves me by my side and I also love him). So he also wanted to be validated by me in some way, at least this is the way I see it now.
By the end of our relationship, we’d keep bickering about literal crap. We’d display jealousy (especially me) towards any boy/girl who dared to even breathe around the other. I lost my shit when I saw him posting his female classmates on a story, and he did the same seeing a video of me being asked by a boy to give him his backpack. We even broke up and made up again quite a few times, the longest we stayed broke up being a week. What broke us up for good, eventually, was the following:
– he got colder, completely ceased texting me first and ended up confessing to me that he was questioning his sexuality; he met a guy and felt attracted to him, though, as he claimed, he still loved me and didn’t know who he should go with; we ended up going out less and less, and one day I saw a hickey on his neck and asked him about it; turns out it was from that guy and not consensual
– I got in a very dark place and let some other guy kiss me; I regret it to this day and I know I should have stopped him; I was drunk and desperate for love and my relationship felt very uncertain, but I know that’s no excuse; I admited everything to him, my ex, and he broke up with me
So we didn’t speak for a while, until he reaches out to me. We’re 19, he identifies as gay and is in a relationship with a boy for a year, while I’m newly single after a short term fling. He reaches out to me asking how I am, what college I got into, then… he starts talking about his new love and how he’s afraid to lose him. He even said he’d commit suicide if they ever broke up, so I ended up consoling him. He said he never loved me actually, he just thought he did, but he loves him. I’m hurt a little, because I thought we really had something, but I let it slide.
Eventually, they break up a few months later. He reaches out to me once again, this time to help him process everything. We end up befriending each other again. Our bond gets even stronger and we both admit we were each other’s best. While the guy he was with cheated on him and abused him through and through, my string of short term relationships after him were with people who didn’t see me as anything more than a piece of meat and even triangulated me with their exes.
He then said he’s been thinking and he wanted a new start with me, identifying now as a bisexual. Jaded, I just couldn’t trust him, especially after he said he never loved me, so I brushed it off. We stayed friends, ending up becoming the best of them, and that was until he met some other dude. He was all like “I never really loved anyone before him” once again and I just lost my shit. Not because I was expecting to be with him again, but because he literally just met the dude and I didn’t want him to go through the same abuse he did with the other. We end up not talking again for a while, but we’re not that mad at each other anymore. He reaches out once he breaks up with the new dude, and it’s nearly the same story.
Up until now, we’re friends. We progressed with time in our own ways. He seems to be genuine while I’m finally ok with myself most days at least. Recently, we went out quite often and I noticed that our hugs are getting longer everytime. We still both think we were each other’s best and we’re single now. I… keep thinking of him and of the fact that I want him back, but I’m scared. He didn’t bring up a new start with me now, but he does want to see me all the time as long as it’s ok with me and the work I do for college. He threw a small party at his place last night, insisting I must come join because it’s good for my health to relax for once after so much studying. I came and he wanted me to stay for a while after, so I did that too. We watched a movie and goofed around like we always do, but I had the strange desire to just bury myself in his arms and feel his heartbeat. To make the matters worse, we shared the bed and I barely contained myself not to snuggle him.
It seems like he doesn’t suspect a thing. So most likely he got over me for good and only sees me as a friend, or he really never loved me, or something in between as I’m overthinking. He sees I have something on my mind and constantly asks me what it is, but I just can’t bring myself to say that it’s actually him I think about. I feel extremely unsincere now and I hate it, because I’m fond of him as a person, but at the same time I want all those feelings to go away. I don’t know if we really should get back together or if I need to kiss any chance of us goodbye.
The good about him is he actually treated me as a person while together and after that. He was there for me even when I didn’t deserve him because I sometimes took him for granted. He never pushed sex on me and waited patiently for me to be ready, though we did make love through passionate make out sessions and petting and he put my pleasure before his. He always makes sure for me to be safe and he defends me whenever needed. He took me on really valuable dates (not money-wise, as we were high schoolers, but valuable as in the moments we shared) I still remember every second of and he looked proud to be seen with me. He shows lots of physical affection, which I enjoy, without me telling him first that I enjoyed it. Not that important in the grand scheme of things, but I need to mention that he’s also my type physically.
The bad about him: the lies he told. Though seemingly harmless, they did affect my trust in him. He’d joke sometimes about my insecurities and call me sensitive because I cried, even though he’d eventually calm me down. What else is bothering me is his misuse of the word “wh*re”, and the way he “jokingly” passes comments about random people.
My parents despise the shit out of him and see him as unworthy of me, even now when we’re ok.
Tl;dr: Ex and I are friends after a year of dating as teenagers and we both say we were each other’s best. Ex lied to me in the past, and I was no saint either. Ex identified as gay, then bi, then gay again and bi again. I keep thinking of him and I feel both like a clown and a manipulator. Should I bring myself to just tell him this, or should I move on?
8 comments
Too long; didn’t read. I can tell you though that you should block him and move on.
It seems like he is using you for emotional validation inbetween his relationships. If you’re okay with this, then continue doing what you’ve been doing.
However, if you want to be number one instead of two to someone, then you need to stop letting him suck you into his problems whenever he breaks up with a guy. Maybe you need to tell him you need some space so you can focus on getting a long-term boyfriend instead of a sometimes-maybe guy-friend.
You should also go to counseling to work on your self-esteem.
You haven’t been with this guy in years and yet he’s still causing you emotional turmoil. He doesn’t even seem to be sure of his own sexuality and he basically ignores you when somebody new and exciting comes along. This is way too much drama for there to ever be a successful relationship.
I think you guys are best friends and should keep it at that. There’s lots of love there, but it doesn’t mean it has to be romantic. You guys are each other’s fall backs at this point for when other things don’t work out. I think it’s clear there’s someone better for you both out there. IMO he is too much drama to be in a stable relationship with and also still exploring his sexuality and dating men etc which is fine but I don’t think you wanna get caught up in that
Yeah you might see that much emotional turmoil in life and it’s up to you to decide if you want to bear this, but I’d say you should move on, it’s gonna be hard, but I can only see future suffering from here, so make a decision, you did enough self reflecting judging by the post, it’s time to take action.
All I can say is communicate. If he doesn’t want romance, nothing has to change. But at least this way you won’t be overwhelmed by every little interaction.
The more text and time it takes to tell, the worse the relationship
You’re 22. This is not the one, let it go and move on
“The good about him is he actually treated me as a person while together and after that.”
I have to say, this is the BARE MINIMUM. Treating you well, waiting until you were ready to have sex, those should be the basics in a relationship. It’s true that many don’t expect that because of how seemingly rare it is, but really, you’re basically saying the good about him is he treated you like a human being.