My husband and I have been together since 2011. When we were dating I remember I logged onto his Facebook and saw some flirtatious conversations with another girl that was living outside the country. I confronted him about it and he said they were just friends and she means nothing to him. Fast forward to now (we’ve been married for a year) , I decided to open his WhatsApp and scrolled through his chats and found a conversation with the same girl from 2011. Turns out she came to the US with her family in 2014 met up with him and they kissed. In 2016 they also crossed paths again and kissed at a club. In 2019 they met up again for lunch one day and from the chat I read it seemed like that’s all that happened. She then kept messaging him 2020 to now asking how he’s doing and he ignored most of them until he told her he got married and she stopped messaging him. When I confronted him he assured me that she meant nothing to him and he was just being stupid and flirting with her for fun.
I feel so betrayed, hurt, disgusted, disrespected and can’t even talk or look at him. I feel like the person that I thought I knew was all a lie because I never thought he would do something like that to me. He apologized and cried to me promising me that he grew out of that immature mindset years ago. I don’t know what to do at this point. I feel so lost.
Should I forgive him? And how can I get past this?
14 comments
You should forgive him. Are you really going to toss away a 10+ year marriage for some bullshit girl he kissed many years ago ?
Does your husband is a good man, does he provides for you, does he love you.?
If the answer is yes, then forgive him. If he is a looser, does not provide, does not love you or is not good for you, and he is a cheater on top, that would be different.
Do you have kids ?
Yes you should forgive him. The most relevant points are that you saw him ignore messages from her, and then you saw him say he was married. Those are big. He did this without any involvement from you. He did that purely out of choice. There’s nothing less reassuring that thinking that someone doesn’t cheat because they’re being checked on etc. where you never know if they would, given the chance. You’re in the lucky position of knowing he *was* given the chance, and didn’t. Sometimes you have to see the wood for the trees.
People aren’t perfect, and do stupid things. People feel gratified by attention. He’s admitted the reasons he didn’t cut if off completely dead earlier, he’s been emotionally honest. Cheating isn’t black and white, and where you’re either a dirty cheater or squeaky clean. He entertained some communication with someone who liked him, and ultimately chose not to go there.
Even if she meant nothing to him for a long term relationship, she still meant enough to lie, stay in contact, and meet up behind your back. Going behind your back is a big deal. He doesn’t get forgiveness right off the bat. If he wants forgiveness then he needs to show you everything and tell you every detail from those meet ups. You have only been married a year but he’s lied to you for nine. Cheating and lying is still a big deal. Just because he didn’t do it during your marriage doesn’t mean he won’t get a chance to. You need to know and see for yourself if he has outgrown this.
He cheated on you three times.. and kept contact with this person. I’d just be careful.. I don’t get why everyone is so calm about this. Don’t love him like you used to that’s for sure. You deserve better.
Maybe I’m not good with Apps but why does he keeps a conversation from 2011? I think that as long as they are not still in contact you can forgive him but it all depends on how you feel and if trust can be build again wishing you the best.
Okay so he’s cheated on you. Makes me wonder if he’s cheated on you other times and just haven’t found out. It’s very common once someone cheats they will do it again with other people. Wonder what other girls he’s been with. This has completely eroded the foundation of your relationship. Every relationship is supposed to be built on trust. This dark cloud now hangs over the entire relationship. It’s up to you if you can trust him again or not. But all of those years have gone by. Man that is tough.
He cheated on you more than once and you did a ten year deep dive into his phone. Why exactly would you want to save this?
**Get yourself checked for STDs.**
He didn’t just lie by omission. You asked him then and he lied straight to your face. Don’t give him a free pass. I highly doubt she was the only one.
He has problems ,i would say take your time to decide what you want , it doesnt look like he is talking to her but it still doesnt excuse his lies ,only stay if he is truly remorseful and changes into a better partner who can make you happy ,if you arent happy even after trying your best to make the relationship work its time to leave
If you have kids consider moving past this, if not you deserve way better he cheated and did it again and once again and has been lying to you since 2011 and that’s only what you know of, can you really trust this man and have his kids at this point do you think he’s reliable for the long run?you already wasted a life time on him don’t waste the rest of it too.
Dude he literally met her just 4 years back! Let that sink in! It was not once twice, thrice but it was a repeated behavior with the same girl for 8 years!!! Do you really think it was nothing?! Would he be okay if you flirted around with another guy for fun?! Would he accept you? The answer is no! He would be character assasinating you by now.
Usually people flirt around in their teen age when they are not in a serious relationship. This guy was with you for 12 years and he has been immaturely been cheating for 80% of the time. And you only have proof for this girl. You have no clue if there was more to it. If he did not have the conscience to fess up to you, he obviously wouldn’t tell you the truth.
Trust is the biggest thing in a relationship. It took you finding out for him to even feel guilty. If he was a evem barely an honest human and all the cheating was immaturity, which still doesnt make it okay, then atleast you would think he to feel guilty when he finally matured and tell you the truth.
There is so many things wrong with this guy.
Not to mention he even must have not told the other girl he is in a relationship cause he hid the info of him getting married.
Dont you think this is a pattern and when in few years you have a kid or be less interesting to him he would again go around having fun! A serial cheater like him is always a cheater. Dont get manipulated by the water work. Get out of this cause he not only is not dishonest, he was with you for 12 years and he constantly lied to you, was unfaithful, disrespectful. If he barely cared about you or loved you truely he would never keep doing what he did. Remember he was still cheating on you till 2019.
Just talk to a lawyer, dump this man and find a faithful man!
Ohh fuck no.
The lying and the sneaking. Nope.
Not only did he lie , cheat and hide it for years but he gaslight you and told you not to worry about someone who was clearly someone to worry about.
If you didn’t find it, He would’ve continued lying and he also would kept the communication with her open and hidden as well, So if he wanted to hit her up later he could.
He knew it was wrong, that’s why he never told you and went on to marry you after the many times he saw her…………He knew if he told you about any of the meet ups with her, you probably wouldn’t have married him.