Men who’ve been divorced… how did you bounce back?

40 comments

1. It wasn’t a bounce. It was a slow meandering slog. Career and housing was first. That was a year or two. Friends and social life dragged behind. That was by four years. Dating life is still recovering. I’m now at about eight years. I will never be in a serious relationship ever again, so that will never fully recover.

2. I got divorced at 32 after 12 years with a woman, having never lived alone working on myself has been real. I have had my heart broken again since too but it’s important to recognize that you’re not “the issue” and that longer relationships are always going to be work. Get some therapy, realize what makes *you* feel more whole, and take care of yourself with your best common sense to meet those needs or you’ll find it really easy to keep beating up on yourself.

3. I remember the first day alone very well. I sat in solitude for a couple days, not out of depression but just enjoying the quiet and absence of conflict and shouting in my house.

   Then I got myself on a fitness and nutrition regimen that included jogging and hiking.

   Then after a couple weeks I figured hiking would be more fun with a buddy, so I got a border collie. She became my bestie (the old bag still is).

   I spent that first Christmas and new year intentionally alone. I holed up in a cabin with my girl (the dog) and my guitar.

   I began to love my alone time, taking care of me and the puppers.

   Started patronizing some local restaurants with dog friendly patios.

   Then women started just talking to me. I think because they could tell I wasn’t looking for it. Plus my dog was a great wingman.

   Moral of the story for me was that I had a lot to learn about myself. All that alone time gave me ample opportunity to think about what I could have done better, not after the marriage but during dating. It totally changed my dating priorities, the values I was looking for, and ultimately I learned that I was attracted to the wrong attributes in a partner that were creating fundamental incompatibilities.

   That was 2012. Today I still have the dog, and I have a wife who supports me and my passion (Music) who gave me three kids and is an amazing mom and partner.

   Edited for a typo

4. I’m two years out of an 8 year relationship (wasn’t marriage) and over the last year or so I’d say I’m doing pretty well.

   Your recent post history is concerning. Have you looked into therapy? Do you have any sort of support network (friends or family)?

5. What do you mean by bouncing back?

6. You can’t find happiness in others, only in yourself. After divorce, I sat in my new apartment, recognized that I needed to decorate it and had zero idea what I even liked. Take this time to learn who you are today. You’ve grown, changed and been impacted by your experiences.

   There’s nothing holding you back from becoming the person you want to be. Once you figure out who you are, then it will help you figure out what you want in a relationship and partner.

   Good luck

7. A couple of years of drinking and one night stands, then pulled myself together to be better and aim higher. It takes a while, but it works out in the end.

8. I was desperate to bounce back after my second divorce. I needed to know that I wasn’t a fuck up that couldn’t make a marriage work. I tried dating apps again, asked out every woman who showed any interest in me. Nothing. I gave up and figured I would be on my own. Then I met a woman on line in a motorcycle chat group. We just started chatting. She lived in another country so we both knew nothing would come of it. Got a bit flirty after a while. Started phone sex. She bought a plane ticket to see me. We’ve been together nearly 5 years now. Happened when we weren’t looking for it.

9. It takes a long time and in my opinion it’s more like you leave the house and walk in a direction towards where you think you want go to clear your mind. You walk for days, weeks, months, years and then one day you wake up and forgot why you were walking in the first place.

   You look around and realize you started life over again and you have things around you that you appreciate.

   Just do things that make you happy, stay away from bad shit like substance abuse/gambling/terrible women earn as much as you can because money gives you options, eat as best as you can and keep fit.

   Good things happen when you become the best version of yourself alone.

10. Took awhile after my divorce but I eventually went and started seeing a therapist. Highly recommend it. We as Men seem to be programmed/raised to never fully express our feelings and be 100% vulnerable for fear of judgment bu after a couple of sessions I found myself really opening up to my therapist and she helped alot.

11. I recommend therapy so you can learn your patterns and fix them

12. You gotta build the life of your dreams. Do whatever makes you happy. Likely you’ve been programmed for so long to do what your wife wants that you might not even know where to start.

13. I’m not here to give advice, but hopefully some support. I’m in my sixties and my second marriage is also currently ending, at her choice. No-one else involved, she just fell out of love four years ago. I have no kids, and her step-kids are adults. I will have no future connection to her or her family. I’m starting from scratch at near retirement age.

    Between this marriage and my first marriage and a long term unmarried relationship before that, all of which ended at their choice or by their infidelity, I have invested over half my life in relationships that have come to nothing.

    I have suffered a lot from depression over the last few years, my current wife not exactly being subtle about how she felt, but now I am starting to feel like ‘my old self’ more and more, and things are getting a bit better on average every day.

    It is truly a heart-breaking process, to have given everything your imperfect self had to give, and it still isn’t enough. I can’t see myself being in another serious relationship, and I don’t remember feeling that way before.

    It is important to be kind to yourself, take things at your own pace, accept that there will be days in which you just aren’t going to get much done, focus on your work, financial security for the future, and doing things that make you happy, whatever they may be.

14. It takes a while. Rely on your friends, get a good therapist, get out there and socialize and keep yourself busy. Take some vacation if you can or do some traveling. Enjoy your hobbies. It will be hard but you will get through it!

15. Complete cut off. No contact at all whatsoever. Rip that bandage off and suck it up. You can’t heal from a burn with your hand still on the pan.

16. I will never get married a third time.

17. Okay so here’s the deal. I appreciate every bit of advice y’all have given me. First I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time to support a stranger.

    I have a therapist. We only meet once a month. That doesn’t do much. In all honesty I have paid a lot of money to therapists who just want to know how I feel about my mother dying. I’m past that. Really.

    My main issue is, in the past 3 relationships I’ve been in, I start out good. I hold it together and am a model boyfriend. Then… somewhere down the road I get plain old tired of hearing the stories of their past. Then I tell mine. They keep telling me their WILD stories and… I gotta top em.

    I just wanna be me. I want to be happy. I’m so sick of women telling me what I want to hear and ultimately leaving cause of whatever ticket they saw out.

    So, I think I’m just going to take this time to be a ho. Lol. Thanks y’all.

18. So I’ve been through this (twice). Below is the advice that I received from a very good friend who had been through a horrific divorce (with abuse & stalking & rape):

    1. It’s not going to take you days/weeks to reset your emotional balance. It’s going to take months/years. You really aren’t ready to start dating again for at least 6 months and ideally 12 months.
    2. Being in a relationship (even a bad one) fills up a lot of your time and energy. When you feel lonely or isolated what you’re really experiencing is too much free time.
    3. With that free time (and it’s more than you expect) take time to work on yourself in these ways:
    1. Check in with your authentic self. All of those compromises that we make for relationships don’t have to be your reality anymore. Do what YOU want for YOU!
    2. Check in with friends/family that you may have pushed away. When we’re in bad relationships, we isolate ourselves (at least to some degree) from the people we love out of shame/fear/pride/etc… I bet they’ve missed you. (As an aside, my 2nd ex-wife was physically abusive to me. I his this from everyone because how could I “let” this little woman who was 6 inches shorter and 100 pounds lighter punch me in the face? Repeatedly)
    3. Develop new interests. Always wanted to learn guitar or golf or origami? You’ve got the time to do whatever you want now.
    4. SLOWLY…reintegrate yourself back into the dating scene. As you do, watch out for those triggers and red flags in previous relationships, because unless we learn from our patterns we are destined to repeat them. (On some level, I’ve ended up marrying the same woman 3 times though only the 2nd wife was violent. As my son ha said…”Wow, Dad…you REALLY have a type.”)
    5. Finally, be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for in a mate and why. When you see yourself climbing off your authentic track, that’s a red flag. Fortunately, that’s possible. I’m happily remarried for 5 years and I/we are more honest and authentic with each other than I thought possible when I was a young man.

    Good luck!

19. I haven’t.

    I don’t plan to.

20. Pogo stick or trampoline could work.

21. Read good books, journal, exercise, meditation, spend time with friends and family that love you of you can. Keep your head down and put in the work, you will be better than ever before long

22. I got divorced 10 yrs ago and I’m still bitter. It took a long time to feel like dating again. Frankly, I don’t have time for games and usually just hook up.

23. Mine ended years ago but we called this year. I moped around some as being alone was different but I was used to it.

    I just let my hair down and started doing stuff again. I went to museums, galleries, concerts. Met someone at a festival and we hit it off.

24. Here we go again. I thank y’all for the support and encouragement. I really do. But do redditors realize thereapy is ONCE A MONTH MAYBE 2?? Y’all act like therapy is a silver bullet to cure every problem ever. Y’all. Wtf man. I’ve had therapy for years.
    I think some people just think that word makes them a good person or something.
    I understand to become the best version of yourself and get out and stuff. That ain’t the hard part.
    Do you think therapy covers the part where you can’t keep an detection because your heart was broke in a million pieces?? Or that you look at your kids and see how they look and act like their mom who promised you the world and all of the sudden wanted to live with their ho ass aunt who is rich so she doesn’t have to worry about shit??
    No it doesn’t. Get real y’all life sucks.

    But for those of y’all who genuinely gave an answer. Thank you. Thank you for your time and effort it means a lot. For those who think meds and therapy is gonna cure it all, just wait. Life will kick your ass at some point and you’ll be posting too. Get ready. And don’t give me a sob story I can do that all day long. I was wondering how to be what I want to be which is a man who can rely on himself and I found it. Thanks to y’all. Thanks for real.

25. The day I handed my second ex the final divorce decree, I met a Tinder date for lunch. Nine years later she’s still fantastic. Not everyone is as lucky as I am but you can’t hold the sins of past partners against anyone but themselves. Take some time if you need to but don’t think there’s any magic in being alone.

26. It was the hardest, best decision I ever made. I gave 5 years to someone who obvious to everyone but me did not love or respect me the same as i did her. I made the choice to leave not only her, but the 6 year old she had from a previous marriage. I was dad and there’s not a single day that goes by where I don’t think about that little girl. But in hindsight, I now know I only stayed as long as I did because of the relationship I built with my then step daughter that help me ignore the physical and emotional abuse I was going through. As I started my journey as a newly single man, it was not easy. I had developed some pretty serious trust and commitment issues and when people would come into my life, I was really good at pushing them away. I was lucky to have one person come into my life and call me on my bullshit and tell me to get help. Now I’m getting remarried in three weeks to that very same woman who helped me through all my grief and literally pulled me from the deepest, darkest hole I’ve ever been in. It gets better, let life happen and enjoy your solitude.

27. I locked myself away from everything for about 2 months. Then became a huge slut for like a year. After a while got back to dating seriously.

    Really though, there’s not one right solution. What works for me or someone else won’t necessarily work for you. If you feel like you’re the problem, you need to find out why. Be honest with yourself. Talk to a therapist, and try to be better. It’s ok that you’re angry, but it’s not ok to direct that anger towards others.

28. Worked on myself. Stopped telling myself I was over it and the unfair shit that happened to me and earnestly worked through it to get over it.

    In time I got to a point where I let my current wife. Because of all the work I had done for myself I was in a place to accommodate a relationship and be a supportive partner, and she saw my worth even though I wasn’t there yet financially.

    Things work out if you honestly stop giving a shit about what your ex is up to and how they’re doing. Even though I coparent my legitimate feelings toward my kids’ mother is no different than any stranger who walks by me on the street. Their life isn’t any of my business and I’m not going to concern myself with it.

29. Have dealt with this for a little over 2 years, and it’s taken me some DARK places.

    I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever fully bounce back, or if I even care to, or what. I just had a short term relationship that I failed miserably at.

    I had some intense therapy for about a year and a half, which helped me come to terms with my SERIOUS issues (addiction, lack of responsibility, lack of accountability, lack of caring about other’s feelings, and so on and so on.)

    Therapy can be something to look into maybe? It might help.

30. Time. It just takes time my dude. Give yourself that. For me it took about 3 years after a 15 year relationship/marriage ended.

31. Divorced four years ago. I haven’t bounced back.

32. Right now you might feel a little lost in life and that’s completely normal. We tend to place a lot of our self worth onto other people when it really comes from ourselves. Remember that you have to be a bit lost to find yourself and that there is someone out there who would love to be with you.

33. Maybe go to therapy first before trying to meet new women?

34. Heavy drinking followed by a period where I lost a bunch of weight. Then I went back to heavy drinking and then eventually got to the point where I accepted my new reality. Eventually started dating and helped me move on.

35. I was thrown for a loop hard. I went and got my masters as a way to tread water. It was a slow hard slog and now finally I’m at the top of my game. One day at a time, man. Improve every day

36. Two divorces doesn’t mean you are the issue.
    But it would suggest therapy for two reasons :
    1 – help you get over the bitterness you feel right now.
    2 – help you understand what went wrong, what could you change, a F what could be done in the future.

37. I always wonder myself what people you have had multiple failed marriages feel about themselves and their actions afterwards. We’re you the cause of your divorces or did you just marry the wrong women? I’m not sure I’d want to marry again if my wife and I ever divorced. I also know we won’t get divorced because we work through every problem with great communication.

38. We go through so much after a relationship ends: blaming self, blaming them, endlessly analyzing what we could have done differently, stressing over the future, etc. It is a grieving process. First thing is an obvious one that few actually adhere too, and that is, do NOT get into another relationship for a good year or more. None of us make good decisions while recovering. It will not end well and will make this whole healing and sorting yourself out process more convoluted and take longer (if ever). Second, see a Counselor. We all say this and know it will probably help, but then let a list of things stop us. Find a way. The unanswered questions you may struggle with can potentially shadow you for life. Get to the bottom of them; it will help your future so much more than you expect.

39. Start with therapy. It both of your ex wives nagged you for the same shit then maybe start there too.

40. I bounced back by wanking myself silly