As a female: How to have presence, regain confidence, and establish boundaries with men?

**TLDR**: Basically giving my power away to others, even complete strangers, which puts me in dangerous situations. How do I fix this and what are good boundary-establishing strategies in social situations? What are some life-changing tips for protecting yourself in social situations?

A lot to unpack here. 26 F. I have a problem where I observe myself immediately going into fawn or people-pleaser mode in social interactions due to cPTSD (sexual/emotional abuse) which invites disrespect and unwanted advances. I hate it so much and miss who I “used to be”. My automatic behaviors and the way I carry myself has become increasingly timid over time, and it sets me up poorly for both establishing new relationships with people and for standing my ground with those I already know. I’m noticing that this mentality leads to continuously poor experiences and something has to change, because I feel stuck in a loop which leads to torturous self-directed rage, depression, and a host of other issues. Lately I’ve caught myself completely going off the rails and screaming, taking my anger out on furniture while crying my eyes out daily. My heart physically hurts and has been beating irregularly, which I suspect is the result of too many painful experiences, internalized anger, and compounding hurt while feeling helpless to repeating these patterns.

Lately, I will notice myself shutting myself indoors and isolating, so I => force myself to go to meetups in a desperate attempt to be social or at least get more practice => have poor experiences due to my deteriorated social skills => lose confidence and collect new traumatic experiences (not standing up for myself when feeling offended or when touched without consent mid-conversation) => feel even worse about myself and get angry at myself for not being able to speak up, feel as if I just wasted my time => self image/confidence gets worse.

It just feels pathetic and sad and is so incredibly frustrating, because mentally I can make sense of why this is happening (objectively looking at my experiences, what is not my fault along with what is totally my fault i.e. poor boundaries and not standing up for myself), but I feel helpless when my conscious and unconscious behaviors keep resulting in feeling steamrolled in conversations or my being taken advantage of. These patterns make for such a miserable way to go through life and I absolutely have to change things.

Some behaviors I’ve noticed:

* I will just stay and listen to someone talk for so long while feeling physically unable to leave a bad situation even if I’m uncomfortable and do not want to be around the person anymore. Always gaslighting myself into thinking it’d be rude to end the conversation even when it is fully within my right to or feeling too fearful of others’ reactions to just walk away. It’s getting scary and depressing to the point where I feel like I’m completely wasting my life away by being like this.
* Last night, I overstayed in a conversation with an older man who squeezed my arm when the topic of sports came up. This was at a social skills practice meetup which I assumed would be a safe space. I still said, “It was nice to meet you \_\_\_” while excusing myself after he did so, which just makes me so livid. I want to have the courage, ability, and words to send daggers with my eyes and words the next time anyone does that, not passively excuse myself as if I have to thank them for talking to me while completely violating my boundaries.
* When meeting men for the first time at events or via mutual friends, I will immediately smile and go into reactive fawn-mode, which I understand may be a conditioned defense response but internally makes me vomit and lose respect for myself. I end up never feeling like I am a driver or equal participant in conversations, and I am putting myself in a disadvantaged position right from the get-go.

Women and men of r/socialskills, what are the orange flags (both in others and in your body) you look out for to duck out of a conversation or situation immediately? What are some of your favorite scripts for what to say the moment you feel uncomfortable, angry, etc.? What are ways to take back and maintain your power when interacting with others?

Also on the topic of **boundaries** \- what has been some holy grail methods of identifying, establishing, and *maintaining* boundaries? I know this will vary from person to person, but were there certain aha! moments that made boundaries make that much more sense or non-negotiable for you? I’m still relatively new to understanding mine and validating myself when they have been violated..I just have a constant feeling that so many have been continuously violated that I’m not even aware of. When I attempt to establish any, they end up becoming porous and easily disregarded as I haven’t learned how to properly put my feelings first and actually maintain consequences for disrespect yet.

What are some other safe ways to practice using my voice more and speaking up?

Obviously I don’t want to go into black and white thinking but I find myself increasingly squirrely when interacting with others to a point where it is completely exhausting and leading to a jaded view of the world and relationships. I realize a lot of this also stems from my damaged self-worth and self-image which is a more deep-rooted issue I need to heal. I spend an inordinate amount of time missing my past self and hating feeling this powerless and helpless.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for your time and I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom, no matter how socially fluent you are.