My bf and I have been together for 5 years and recently moved in together earlier this year. It has been an adjustment and we have both recently changed jobs so we are both under quite high pressure which has led to a few blow ups. On the whole our relationship is good and we have lots of laughs together.
This name calling has probably happened about 3 times in our whole relationship so it’s not like it happens often, but I have told him it’s hurtful and that it’s not okay. Today he was getting really stressed about being late for work and we were stuck in traffic, I did snap at him as he was the reason we were late but he then starts saying “f**k off, you f***ing b****”. Like wtf?? This is not ok, I’m aware of this.
My question is how do I deal with my bf calling me names when he is in a fit of anger? A conversation is definitely needed but I’m unsure of where my head and heart is at. It’s such a rare occurrence that part of me says I can move forward considering the rest of our relationship is good, but it makes me feel so disrespected and I won’t tolerate it becoming a habit. Do I discuss and explain I will leave if it happens again? Or is this reason enough to leave now? Arghhh so confused and conflicted.
Just to add we haven’t really spoken since this as he came back from work and hasn’t apologised – just said we need to talk tomorrow.
TL;DR Is occasional name calling out of anger something you could work through with a partner or is it a straight up deal breaker?
5 comments
I’m much more like your boyfriend, however it’s never intentionally being mean.
For example I refer to me and my friends often as “bunch of cunts” so have become blind to the negative feelings that can be associated with that.
Definitely talk to him about it and bring it up calmly so he doesn’t instantly get defensive
Try a calm conversation with him when you’ve both cooled down. Explain to him the name calling is unacceptable and it is a dealbreaker. He needs to apologize sincerely for what he called you and confirm that he understands it won’t be tolerated. If he can’t have a conversation about it or doesn’t apologize with remorse saying it won’t happen again, then you have a problem with moving forward.
Personally I wouldn’t be with someone that called me insulting names. That would be a deal breaker for me. Life is too short to be with someone that can’t control their temper and thinks it’s ok to call their partner names when their upset.
Only you can decide the amount of disrespect you are willing to take in a relationship. He hasn’t even apologized, which is just more proof he doesn’t respect or love you. Verbal abuse and name calling doesn’t take place in healthy relationships.
If you don’t have repercussions for his repeated abusive behavior then he will keep doing it. I recommend couples therapy but be prepared to break up
It shouldn’t be happening at all!
In a long-termrelationship, that’s your PERSON! Like you’re seeing if you can build a life together.
So he should be treating you like gold (and vice versa obviously) – not calling you terrible names like you’re some stranger.
You shouldn’t snap and he shouldn’t call you names. Therapyyyy