This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I’m struggling to understand why a second date seems as much of a big deal as marriage these days ha. A friend of mine has been single for 7 years and I get existential thinking I could be the same. Worries me a lot.
I’m trying to stay productive, healthy and frugal but can’t help but feel it’s all a distraction at points.
Right,
I’m going to sound like a teenager right now. I had a relationship just after COVID, didn’t work out and I got my heart a bit fucked as most of us have, took a year off dating. (2022).
Met a girl on Tinder end of 2022, we started chatting that awkward week between Christmas and New Years where nothing was open so we spent two days chatting before meeting. We had a date planned but moved it forward when we decided to just meet for a walk. She planted one right on me before I knew what happened shortly into the date.
There’s been a lot of medical issues her end early in the year and the dating hasn’t progressed at all if I’m honest, she’s got a new job and is busier, and trying to get a date, let alone any of that is… yeah.
A friend told me no one is too busy not to be able to do a coffee date once or twice a week, and nine months is a long time to be iffing and amming it about if you want a relationship or not…
I think posting this means I probably agree deep down…
No real [update](https://reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/7RawZh8JBj) on flaky guy. Last we talked (Thursday), he made the aforementioned empty promise, I asked if he has a timeline or doesn’t know (either answer was okay) and he never replied.
I talked to my therapist and a few friends about it today. My therapist is a bit more forgiving than my friends, in that if this person comes back, I can give him another chance but I must be very very careful what behaviour I’m willing to tolerate. Everyone thinks he’s got a self-deprecating sad-sack self-victimy thing going on based on his language (one example of several: when he first flaked and apologized he called himself a total loser).
My friends think I should cut my losses. What’s more than a little shitty is that I’d lent him a bluray both times he came over and each time we joked about how I only wanted to see him again so I could get the movie back. Well good job dude for turning the joke into reality … 🫠 I never even got to watch the last one I loaned him, a brand new restoration of one of my favourite films. Yeah. My bad for being naive and trusting.
I wrote up a text novel about my problems with him which I will NOT send. But if he actually tries to hit me up again I have something to reference so I can let him know how I’ve been feeling about everything. (My adhd makes this hard to do when I’m in the hot seat.)
You have no idea how tempted I am to send it. Because even though I want to walk away from this I have to let him know. I need that last word.
Have a 2nd and 3rd date planned this coming weekend. Both woman seem pretty great so we will see how these go.
That said, the second date person and I had out first date yesterday and I didn’t realize until after that she viewed me LinkedIn profile (which is fine, I do my only little social media search too) but my dumbass didn’t realize it was her till I went to her profile to see who it was. She checked my profile out again last night too.
I guess it’s a positive thing? I don’t know I just thought it was kind of funny.
Well officially was ghosted by the guy I went out with on Friday. This man is 42 years old!! Use your words!!
I think one thing that always really gets me about dating and wanting a relationship is I have no control over it. If I don’t like something else in my life I can often improve on a skill or learn how to make it better. I can’t really do that with dating. I just have to keep putting myself out there and seeing what happens. See who is worthy or who sticks around. It’s very frustrating.
I did it.
Made it out to the coast for a solo camp and surf. If you followed the saga, I didn’t end up needing the new wetsuit, the water was warm and the sun was out.
May have made a detour to pass by his boat but we don’t have to talk about that.
Got to see old friends, laughed till I cried around the fire. Surfed till my legs fell off. Slept under the super moon sandy salty and satisfied.
Thanks again to those who gave me the encouragement. Starting this new season off right.
I’m a slow burner and it can take me a while to figure out if I’m into someone. I’m never totally sure how to navigate dating until I figure it out? I always feel a little guilty because I feel like continuing to text them, date them etc. is an indication that I’m interested, when in reality I’m truly not sure and just being friendly until I figure it out. But I’ll still try to be enthusiastic on text and stuff because I do want to give it a fair shot, even if I’m not feeling any chemistry (yet).
This doesn’t even cover things like physical touch or kissing which – if the other person initiates, I’ll kind of go along with it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m super into them, just that I’m still figuring it out and don’t mind some touch and stuff. But I always feel like I might be leading them on??
So, how long is it acceptable to keep talking to someone while you figure out your level of interest?
Okay, *owwww.* I knew the rejection was coming. Felt it as soon as he left on the last date.
The text he sent was nice enough. I get it: too much going on, can’t do casual, you like someone else more, etc. I even get wanting to make the point perfectly clear with a “won’t be able to see you anymore.”
But shit, “I’m **not going** to see you anymore” is a bit of a knife-twist innit, especially when it’s the closing remark.
What has OLD taught you about your goals or values?
I tell men I meet online that I am Christian, but when I truly explain how I feel about the religion they ask if, I am sure. I think OLD has taught me that I need to re-evaluate the values I say I have because maybe I don’t align with them as much as I used to.
I think my date with this new match went well, it seems like they’re interested too unless that is wishful thinking on my part. That was Saturday. We vibed a lot better than I did with that other date. Of course, now I am anxious to keep this going and I am toeing a very fine line between not doing enough to show I’m actually interested, and coming on too strong. I just don’t know what’s appropriate, or appreciated. Maybe there is a polite way I can bring this up. But this person has important things coming up this week, and I don’t want to add more stress to their life.
That being said: I haven’t heard back since yesterday and I’m wondering if I did something wrong. After experiencing some particularly cruel abandonments in the past, it has left me with a lingering fear of history repeating itself. Of course, no one ever said dating would be easy. One day I will look back on today and laugh about it.
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Is the key to a man’s heart *actually* food? Is that what I’ve been missing for the last year or so? It’s all starting to make sense to me now.
/s
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Ok so I got a date scheduled for tomorrow. 😊 I feel like maybe this person just maybe might be matching my energy. So far all we’ve done is talk on the phone and I know with that phone call I could have been talking with her for longer
Had a random thought today, about how boring and misguided a large portion of modern dating/love is. People seemingly want to feel the least amount of emotions/commitment possible, like a too-cool-for-school vibe, until they’re 150% sure the other person is into them. It’s a vicious cycle. They’ll miss someone, but won’t say or text it out of fear of being too needy. They’ll like or love someone, but will hide it for fear of getting hurt. Or worse, will purposely portray it as disinterest or lack of affection to seem closed off.
I struggled with this some years ago. When I’m dating someone, I’m an open book emotionally and am very expressive, heart-on-my-sleeve type. But only with my person in the relationship, otherwise I’m pretty guarded.
Lesson learned from past failures – if someone can’t handle you being emotional and only wants good vibes, toxic positivity is a thing. It often masks emotional immaturity and a lack of willingness to work through tough times.
Then people wonder why dating is so difficult…
I commented last week asking if I should be pissed that my FWB still hadn’t saved my # after we’ve been talking every day for months. (consensus: probably)
If I were in my 20s I probably would’ve silently seethed over this and held it against them or gotten anxious about our whole situation. But now in my 30s I was able to just tell them that it was disrespectful and it hurt my feelings and that even if we have something casual, that was beyond what I’d be OK with.
They sincerely apologized multiple times and admitted it came across as a dick move and now it’s all good. Hooray for being adults!
My last two matches on Hinge both started with me asking a direct question and then they matched without replying. What am I supposed to do with that lol? Ask the question again? Is something going wrong with Hinge messages?
Update, my partner finally met my friends and it went really well. I know he probably felt a little overwhelmed due to the situation we were in (game night) but he fit in really well and everyone enjoyed meeting him. I think people can just tell when you’re super happy so they’re happy for you, and it helps that the game night was super fun.
Things are still going extremely well and we have a weekend getaway planned next week. We haven’t had any issues come up yet but there is something that I’m feeling a little self conscious and anxious about. His daughter has been over a lot while I’ve been over and I feel like I’m blowing it :[
She’s older (in her 20s) and very quiet and a little shy. I was very similar at her age and I’m still super shy at this age. I’ve dated men with kids before but they were always younger and easier to connect with, adults are weird. You either vibe or you don’t and right now it’s feeling like we don’t.
Its real uncharted territory for me and I’m a little socially awkward to begin with. I struggle with “she probably just wants to be left alone” and “it’s super weird you’re not saying anything to her, you should say something” urges lol. When I’ve tried to very casually talk to her she seems very disinterested so I don’t try to force her into conversation with me and keep the chat brief. Lately I’ve been staying over a lot so I come in, see her and say hi and then a quick bye when I leave. It just feels super awkward right now. Gonna keep being friendly and I’m hoping it’ll get a little better and less weird over time.
Guy am dating asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said I’ll appreciate flowers bc it’s been so long since I received some. But he can also get me anything he thinks I’d like. This was a few weeks ago.
I think he may have forgotten about it bc now he’s been talking of getting me something else.. 😅 I don’t want to insist… but universe, I wish he’d remember. A nice bouquet would really make my day
Been seeing this woman for about 3 months. She was out of an LTR back in December and I was her first ever Bumble date.
About 1.5 months in, I asked what she’s looking for. She said she wasn’t sure but wanted to take it slowly. I’m looking for a LTR but am fine with taking it slowly. If she didn’t see something long-term with me, it would be best to end it and she understood this.
Since then things have been great, we see each other 2-3x a week and we’ve talked about introducing each other to friends. I do kinda want to have a “check-in” with where we are at. Planning to talk about this next time I see her.
Longtime single men – why? I work in a male dominated field and know several guys late 30s and up who have been single for years; they are handsome, outgoing, successful, and funny yet quite a few of them don’t even date and are content to work, do their hobbies, and be at home. As a relatively newly divorced woman who loves connection it’s hard for me to understand why someone would be happily and willingly single. I realize this probably sounds like a dumb question but I am curious.
On our most recent date I finally said that I’d like to see her more often and she feels the same way. I’ve historically been very bad at expressing my needs or wants in relationships due to childhood stuff / anxieties. I’m proud of myself for broaching that conversation, and glad it went well.
We’ve been taking things slow on the intimacy front and she’s followed that up by saying even kissing was a bit overwhelming for her. She insists she’s attracted to me and wants to be more intimate, but is working through some things. She’s finding a therapist and going back to therapy. She wanted to be upfront and give me the opportunity to bail, which I appreciate. I expressed that intimacy is an important part of a relationship to me. We’re still going to hang out and see where things go. If it’s something that she can take steps forward on and work through, I’d like to be there to support her. If she discovers she’s asexual, we’re not compatible and go back to being friends. I appreciate how open and honest the communication was around the topic.
At the same time, I need to protect my feelings a little bit until I’m sure we’re not fundamentally incompatible. Back to the apps, sigh.
Can you learn how to date and be intimate without actually doing it? I’ve never done either before and my chances aren’t looking good so I want to have as much of a head start as I can should either happen
I feel very insecure about how normalized multi-dating is. I don’t mind if that’s how others want to date, but I don’t like the idea that I should expect by default that someone I’m going on a date with might be actively dating others unless they say otherwise. 1. I’ve never even been in a position where it is even remotely possible for me to get a date with more than person at a time. 2. I don’t think I’d be comfortable multi-dating even if that was an option for me. I am entirely aware this is a me problem, I just needed to share.
Am I the only one who is always worried before going on a date with a guy cause I fear that he will kidnap me, kill me and store me in a frezer?
I just can’t be relaxed before meeting a new guy, even if it is during the day in a crowded place…
Had a rough weekend but I think the smoke has cleared, if only temporarily. I had a scary situation with an ex, and I suspect a friend may have talked to him. At any rate the texts and calls have stopped, I got a good night’s sleep, and I have a plan in case it pipes up again.
I’m really grateful for all the support I received here. Even the “ugh that sucks” goes a long way. So, thanks for that.
What surprised me was how many people in my real life showed up for me. I have a pretty new group of friends so I wasn’t sure what to expect when I reached out but I’m glad I did. They seemed to relate to what I needed (sleep) while also being voices of reason (making a plan). No one pushed for gossip or spoke in psychobabble tongues, no one judged how I felt. It seemed so effortless for them. Awkward and apologetic thank yous were met with variations of: “dude, I did nothing, that was nothing. You can always ask, it’s easy”. No no no it was everything! I feel like they’ll be easy to support in return, too because our trains of thought run on the same track. It feels like a I’ve made a few really sustainable, supportive relationships recently, despite my romantic one falling apart. I’m surrounding myself with people who are good for me, and meeting my needs is easy for them. Dating is hard because I’m being picky, but making friends used to be hard for the same reasons too. It took a bit of Bambi legs to figure out what connections are good for me, but I’m ready to do the fine tuning.
Time and trail & error will tell me how to see what I need (and can compliment) in dates/boyfriends/potential partners and act on it.
It *is* just dating. This is how she goes sometimes.
Had 3 great dates and asked the guy if he was free next Saturday and he replied he “thinks” so “as of now.” Very offputting. Don’t know if he’s lost interest/plans to ghost, or is just trying not to seem too keen.
My boyfriend is beyond incredible, and he does so much for me in every imaginable regard. I just worry that I’m not doing enough for him and I don’t want it to seem like I’m taking him for granted. He has never once expressed that I’m not treating him well, but I want him to know how much I appreciate him beyond just saying so. I got him tickets to see a show (which he ended up driving us to and did way more work than me) and I get him little trinkets and dinners sometimes, but it hardly feels like enough.
This is by no means a transactional relationship and I’m pretty sure he loves me unconditionally, but I want to make him feel as amazing as he makes me feel. What do you do for your partner to really make them feel loved and special?
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After three great dates, we slept together and although in the next day we even had coffee together and so, I felt like this weekend the vibe changed absolutely and although ofc we don’t know each other that deep, I feel kinda sad. He was putting lots of effort and being nice and I felt he really wanted to get to know me beyond sleeping together but after this I’m doubting it and I feel sad.
OFC I know that if that might not be the case and that he has right to realize he is not that interested anymore, and that if that’s the case it’s better that happens early… I know all the rational part of it. But I’m in another continent, away from my family and friends, just finishing an academic year with lots of pressure (went well though) and I just want to meet someone nice to share cool moments and take care of each other. I give myself space to feel sad today for it; I just don’t want to hear that advice of “do things you enjoy” and that cliché because I do sport 3x a week and go to dancing classes on the weekend, I’m not waiting to be rescued nor putting my life in pause until some man comes. I just feel the desire of meeting someone with mutual interests and projects and so and that we like and support each other; and tonight particularly I am sad because of it 🙁
That’s it, sorry the negativity but I’m always being stubbornly optimistic so I needed to give myself the space to be “negative” and experiment honest feelings of sadness.
That being said, I love this community and I enjoy so much reading your stories!
Even though my life has been much more peaceful since I got off the apps about 3 months ago, I’m considering giving them a try again for a limited time (or until I feel like they’re really disturbing my peace). What “rules” do you guys have in place in order to use dating apps mindfully?
Had to choose between two men: M38 and M34.
M34 and I had gone on three overnight dates. He is a great guy: we have pretty much the same career path, and got along effortlessly. And the sex was probably the best I have ever had. He seemed very keen on me in-person: met my friends on date two, began to joke about us getting married and having kids on date three. But, he was often too busy to see me, and hardly messaged me in-between dates – repeatedly taking 2-5 days to respond. Which made me think he was not that interested.
With M38, I have not been counting dates, as we have slept together most nights these past two weeks or so. Unlike M34, he has not made me doubt his interest in me at all. He acts like a teenage boy in love around me, or like a puppy: playful, affectionate, eager to please, begging for pets. I can visibly see his pupils dilating when he looks at me. He has also met my friends – more properly than M34 – and they all talked about how lovely he was, and my friend told me she really likes the way I am around him. Unlike M34, who has a PhD (as do I), M38 did not go to university and has worked in hospitality his whole life. But so far he has made me so happy, which is all that matters to me.
So, I went with M38, cancelling the camping trip I had planned with M34. (M38 is taking time off work to take me camping, so will get my fill of nature anyway.) M34 replied saying he is sad, because he was really looking forward to the trip. But how could I have known, given how uncommunicative and unresponsive he has been??? Reminder to all of you out there: if you like someone, show it, and show it consistently. Otherwise you risk losing them.
My relationship is so easy it feels like I’m not in one sometimes. I’ve never felt like that before. I know it’s because I don’t have anything negative sucking up my emotional/mental bandwidth. It’s so nice.