I’m divorced about 2 years at this point (married 17 years). I 42M met someone 40F about a year ago and we quickly clicked. Both came from marriages that ended badly to what I’d describe as controlling people. We were good for each other & communicated well. I saw a lot of what I didn’t know I was missing in my marriage. It was good for both of us, although possibly too soon to get into a relationship for both. Our kids met late spring and got along well, so there was the start of a blended family too.
I posted a couple months back about some challenges. She is wonderful in many ways. But some behavior challenges were arising with her child partially due to absentee father. It was a lot to take and there was rarely a break from it. I felt some level of marriage pressure, although she’d frame it as a joke. Add to that personal life issues that came up with unexpected home repair, big layoffs at work, and a general feeling I was losing control of my personal life (a big takeaway from my marriage I didn’t see in the moment). Best way i can describe is while I overcame a lot of the divorce, the real world knocking my down set me back.
I became more isolated and pushed her away. I feel guilty for it, but the time to myself did help focus on the new personal pressures & nurture time with friends/hobbies, etc. frankly too it’s helped me process more grief from my divorce & the real world issues . I had a lot of personal progress in the last two years, but maybe the nature of our initial bond kept some of that in the forefront. Plus I really don’t know what I want out of life. This was good, but is it truly what I want? Can I more fully process my grief and life pressures with time to myself?
I guess my question is did I do the right thing? I’ve also felt like I’ve needed permission to make choices. Both from my upbringing and my marriage. I know this hurt her and I feel terrible about it. It does have parallels to how my wife left me. And she made similar arguments I made then as to how a relationship could help work though issues. I don’t know.
TLDR – broke up with a good person with some pressures in and out of the relationship. Want to process issues on my own and have more control in deciding the future. Did I do the right thing or ruin a good thing?
15 comments
I think you did the right thing. If you’re not happy in a relationship you should break up regardless of whether or not it’s a “good” reason. Dating someone with kids is a commitment to that kid, not just the parent, and if you’re not ready for that there’s nothing wrong with it.
Someone might be a good person, but that doesn’t mean they’re good for *you*.
How long had she been divorced before you two met?
You basically jumped from your marriage into another serious, complicated relationship…sorry, 1 year single is hardly enough time to figure yourself out after being married for 17 years.
Sounds like you really need to re-acquaint yourself with who you are outside of a relationship. Just be able to manage your own stuff on your own terms before you start negotiating the world through the prism of another relationship. You are probably both fine people, but at this time, it doesn’t sound like you’re fine together.
I can only imagine how hurt and confused she is right now.
>possibly too soon to get into a relationship for both.
I don’t know about her, but for you, I definitely think this could be true. You were married for 17 years, meaning there were probably a couple more years of being with her. This is approaching half your life! And then she’s the mother of your kid(s). Hell, irl I’ve seen a couple of situations where the person who pulled the plug struggled big time. Either way, a big part of your identity just disappeared.
I do think you’re smart to realize introspection is helpful here, but I also think it’s human nature to assume another person will help you out of your funk. There’s a reason they call this rebound and say it rarely works. You’ve only been together a year, which is very much honeymoon stage, where there shouldn’t be any serious conflicts.
On the rest, I’m sure you’ve learned some things in the last year, even though you may not have identified them yet. I wouldn’t call it a total loss if you can figure this out.
I am a retired ER doctor and my ER life has biased my opinion. This is just my $0.02. I am commenting in general, not only on your specific situation.
Modern relationships are very complicated and often we approach them with lots of love, but too little preparation.
Patients I see in the ER often tell me they don’t have a doctor and have not seen one in many years “because they don’t need one because they are healthy”. We work hard and fast to try to repair years of unintentional silent damage. A stroke or a heart attack becomes the impetus to manage blood pressure and diabetes or address other long standing issues that have created a catastrophic physical collapse.
Most of my friends employ experts for many important things that are much less important than a happy home. They have an attorney make their will and an accountant review their taxes, but their most important relationships are managed with something close to neglect and ignorance. Most divorcing couples will hire expert divorce attorneys to prepare their divorce.
Since you are coming out of a bad relationship and so is she, and since blending two families is complex and difficult, seeking out a good expert would be a sound investment. Learning how to meet someone’s needs and how to have your own needs met is an art. A bit of good counseling can help many people bring up difficult topics (parenting, finances, sex, boundaries, how to work out frustrating differences with love). They can help set up a game plan that you can use as life is unpredictable in many ways and also predictable in many ways.
Now that you are not in a relationship might even be a good time to visit with an expert and learn what things you need and what pitfalls you need to be wary of as you move forward.
I hope this doesn’t sound judgmental. I am not better. My whole career was based on last chance heroic measures rather than well designed prevention. I have seen a therapist on multiple occasions and found excellent help maintaining a loving and happy home.
Best of luck to you as you navigate life. I’m not an expert,just a fellow traveler.
Sounds like you still got a lot to figure out on your own. good on you for recognizing that. hope things work out down the line.
I think – if given the opportunity or it is important for you to want to make the opportunity – that you just reinforce with her that you care about her, that you didn’t mean to pull away and see now how confusing that nust have felt, that you realized it was too early to engage in a full-fledged relationship, that issues from the past were resurfacing, and that you are sorry that you hurt her or gave her false hopes in any way. And, then you explain that while she knew key parts of you, it is important for your next long-term partner to fully know the full you that you are now as an adult and who you are after healing fro and properly processing all that happened with the divorce…. and that that is impossible right now for anyone because you don’t even fully know or understand yourself or what your priorities are going to be in life going forward. Tell her you are working on that… and that while it hurt both of you to part ways, you know it is for the best because you wouldn’t want to re-enter some of the same dynamics that created major challenges in your marriage in the past and cause even bigger problems for you, for her, or your children. Tell her you appreciate her and wish her well and that she has already helped you learn a lot on this new path.
And, then do whatever you can to learn and grow and explore and build wisdom on your own (and with the help of a therapist, pastor / faith leader, friends, family, support group, etc.) to determine what your priorities are for the future and to become who you want to be – as a father, as a partner, as an employee, as a community member, as a sibling and son, etc. – while you’re also building skills to deal with the common pressures of dating and relationships (compromise, sacrifice, communicating openly, not avoiding, setting healthy boundaries, not disappearing, managing emotions, not losing self, staying balanced, etc.) And, really take time to explore what “these pressures” in the relationship were triggering, the core/root feelings they were evoking, what they’re linked to in the past, what unhealthy or undesired behaviors you defaulted to when reacting to them, etc. so you can manage or overcome those in future relationships.
In short, just because you end things or pause now doesn’t mean you can never get back together. But, hurriedly building a relationship on a shaky and unsteady foundation or false premises will never be the wise thing to do.
Absolutely did the right thing. Take some time to get know yourself. Spend some time with your kids. Get to know yourself as adult before you bring someone else in who may make things you don’t like seem normal.
You are right for being honest but very wrong for involving her kids when you are obviously not ready. A good relationship doesn’t come around often.
You did what was right for you, OP. I don’t know if you went too fast into the next relationship because it seemed fine until the behavioral issues cropped up. The great relationship showed its cracks and you didn’t bargain for this.
My feeling is that you wanted something easier and you felt that moving forward with her would only work for her to get extra help, but would make you feel additional pressures to deal with more problems.
When you divorced, you grieved your previous marriage, then got into which I can best describe as a rhythm with your children that worked for you. You could deal with stuff that impacted you at work and with your own children, not more.
Does this capture your feelings?
If you’d done the wrong thing, you’d know for sure
U did right
You did the right thing. Your gut was telling you that on some level this relationship was not right for you, or at least the timing was wrong. Divorce takes time for everyone involved to adjust to. Sole parenthood and co parenting are both tough and the kids have to come first.
50% of first marriages end in divorce, 70% of second marriages end in divorce and 90% of third marriages and in divorce. Why? Primarily because after a first marriage, people don’t go into subsequent marriages unencumbered. People have unresolved issues with former spouses; people often emerge from divorce in debt; people are financially committed to paying child support; blended families can be very difficult to manage successfully. Taking on a step child with behavioural issues can make life really hard for biological children, and vice versa. On some level, your instinct was telling you that this relationship couldn’t work, at least not right now.
Your instinct was also telling you that you need time to work out who you are now that you’re 42 and single. Are you happy with your career? Do you want to broaden your horizons with travel or new hobbies? Do you want to reorganise your finances? This is your opportunity to make any changes you want to make, and making those changes will be much easier if you don’t have to factor in a partner. This is your time to reinvent yourself. Don’t feel guilty about giving yourself the space you need to do that.
You definitely did. let her fix her problem child , mommy’s new boyfriend can only help with that to a certain extent anyways
Ok, you weren’t ready (?) so you pushed away a good person that made you happy. Is this a good thing? I am not sure why many people say it is, but it’s not. People have to take responsibility. You broke her heart, confused the kids from both sides, and alienated yourself from something good. How is this the right thing to do?