Hi all. Came here because i don’t know where else to go. I am 22 (f)have known this person 22(f)as well since my childhood and we were really good friends back in school but then we drifted apart. A couple of years ago she came back and became the most valued person in my life. She is really nice. Treats me like her family. Stands up for me. She’s willing to give and do everything and anything for me but the point is that she’s controlling. Very controlling and dominating.
She decides what is right and what is wrong and how i should do things and if i don’t do things the way she wants she gets mad. For example if i don’t reply her immediately she thinks I am disrespecting her. Last night she texted me something and I saw that but i was very exhausted and drained so didn’t want to reply at that time and I thought I’ll talk when I can properly reply but she got mad. I struggle with depression and take antidepressants and she’s very well aware of it. She cheered me up when I used to feel very low but when I tell her I can’t meet because i am exhausted mentally and physically she doesn’t take it very nicely.
I’m an introvert and can’t meet people very often but she gets mad if i don’t meet her every week. She makes me realise how she was always there when i needed her. On my birthday she gave me a watch and my pet is very hyper so while playing with him i got a few scratches on the watch. My friend saw the watch and she started talking to me very rudely and got furious. She started giving me all kind of shit like how much of an irresponsible person i am and how i don’t value things.
I apologised for this earlier as well but she was rude and she asked me to throw the watch. I walked away. I handed over the watch and walked away. Still, I can’t decide whether I am a horrible friend or she was actually toxic. She’s a beautiful person when she cares for people but she’s dominating. I always feel anxious when having a conversation with her because i don’t know when and why she’ll get mad. It’s draining but she’s also the one to put most efforts. Would really value your input, do you guys think I am doing something wrong? Or is she actually toxic?
TDLR- Best friend controls me and if I don’t do things the way she wants she gets mad.
9 comments
> She is really nice
She’s nice as long as you obey her 100%. As soon as you dare to have a different need or opinion than she seems appropriate, she becomes abusive. She seems very toxic as well as exhausting. It’s her way or the highway, her gifts come with strings attached, and you’re always walking on eggshells.
Friendships should make you feel good, and build you up rather than tear you down. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who sucks the joy out of your life.
There is nothing remotely ‘nice’ or ‘beautiful’ about her. This is not how friends should treat each other; or really, how people generally should treat each other.
Serious question: why are you still in contact with this toxic person? What are you actually getting out of it? She berates you, demeans you, gets angry when you don’t do what she wants you to. You describe contact her as draining, and how you are always anxious and waiting for the next outburst. Those are classic hallmarks of an abusive relationship.
>She is really nice.
>
>when I tell her I can’t meet because i am exhausted mentally and physically she doesn’t take it very nicely
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>she gets mad if i don’t meet her every week
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>she started talking to me very rudely
Yeah, she’s not nice. I had a friend like this, note the past tense. Thing is, it’s not really as simple as being nice or nasty. She might have a mental health condition, might just be prone to being an asshole, doesn’t really matter. All that *does* matter is how you view the relationship, what you want your relationship to look like. If the good times are worth tolerating her toxic traits, then stay friends. If her unpleasantness dominates and undermines the rest of the relationship, distance yourself.
She’s the one to make most effort because she’s clearly needy or needs validation or even possibly control or who knows. You’re certainly doing nothing wrong! Not your job to obey her every demand or expectation. Frankly bizarre of her to give you a watch, then demand you throw it away because it got scratched. She could be disappointed, sure, but she could keep that to herself instead of talking down to you like she’s your parent!
She might always be there when you need her, but is that worth the price of her friendship? If you can only maintain the friendship by doing everything her way and walking on eggshells around her, what sort of friendship is that?
The simplest solution is to not cater to her moods. She gets mad? Let her get mad, but you don’t need to listen to lectures or change how you do things. “Sorry you’re disappointed we can’t meet up but I’m not up to it”. **End of conversation.** She doesn’t like that? Sucks for her, not your problem. Her expectations aren’t your obligations, and her always reaching out doesn’t “buy” her your constant attention. Either she accepts that and the friendship levels out at a level you’re **both** comfortable with, or else she can throw a tantrum and strop off into the sunset to find another victim.
My love this is not a friend.
This is a tyrant.
Would you treat someone you cared about this way?
Respectfully OP, she is not a nice, beautiful person. She is nice to you as part of her control. Can you see that? Just an example. She gives you the watch and then uses the watch to manipulate and guilt you. Yes, I’m sure she is lovely sometimes, but toxic people often are. That’s how they get people to stick around.
I think that maybe you haven’t had the healthiest personal relationships (if you describe her as the most valued person in your life) and that’s why you’re struggling with this.
I have to ask: does she have any other friends? A partner? Family members? Because if she doesn’t, you know why.
I don’t think she is a friend. I think she is someone with control issues that can’t understand people have lives and limits and boundaries.
She does things for you but I think it’s performative. What happens when you ask her for space? Does she throw all the things she did for you on your face?
I would distance myself.
That’s not a gift if the giver is giving you crap about damage to it. How freaking controlling. There are other fish in the friendship sea. Throw her back with gusto.
I think that you and I have very different definitions of what “really nice” means, because I would not describe someone that plays these kinds of emotional and controlling games with you as nice. Nice people meet you where you’re at. Nice people appreciate you for who you are and what you offer.
She isn’t a beautiful person, she doesn’t care for people, she cares for the little garden she plants around herself to make her look and feel better.
> On my birthday she gave me a watch and my pet is very hyper so while playing with him i got a few scratches on the watch. My friend saw the watch and she started talking to me very rudely and got furious. She started giving me all kind of shit like how much of an irresponsible person i am and how i don’t value things.
Personally, I would prefer to not have that watch. I do not want to have something that would just made me stressed and prevented me to play with pets normaly.
> I apologised for this earlier as well but she was rude and she asked me to throw the watch. I walked away. I handed over the watch and walked away. Still, I can’t decide whether I am a horrible friend or she was actually toxic.
She is actually toxic and way over the line here.