The other day, my (29f) friend (31f) called me to tell me she talked to my ex (28m) about me.
Little bit of context: they are still casual friends (through her husband) and see each other once a week at a mutual friends house. They’ve known each other for a while, I actually met him two years ago through her, but again they are not super close. He and I broke up almost 2 months ago and, to my knowledge, she has never crossed this line until now.
Apparently she told him that she felt like I was holding onto hope that he and I would get back together soon (which is not something I have ever said to her) and wanted to hear from him if he felt the same way. Girl. It’s not your business. It’s not your place to ask!
She also told him that I’ve been really really upset and really struggling with the breakup. I was speechless when she told me all of this. She told me he said he didn’t see us getting back together in the foreseeable future like this is news to me? And told me he is “so happy all the time” and that hurts her to see because I’m so sad. GIRL. Why tf are you telling me this??? And why are you telling him this???? I’m really upset that she did this and even if they were super close friends, I feel it would be shady and uncalled for despite her having “good intentions”.
I ended up calling him because he and I are on good terms and I wanted to clear some things up and make sure he knew that I had nothing to do with that conversation. I also made it clear that while yes I am sad, I’m not like in shambles like she was for some reason making it out to be. He was very nice about it and understanding and reassured me that no he is not happy all the time, she just rarely sees him and doesn’t see the side of him that’s struggling.
I’m so frustrated with her though and feel like my privacy has been violated and like our trust has been really damaged, and I’m not sure what to do. She ended up apologizing the next day but also doubled down on some of the things she was saying that bothered me (he’s so happy and carefree, she needed to hear things from him – despite it being none of her business). I’m not a confrontational person, and I’m not sure how to address this with her. Has anyone been in a similar situation to this before? And pls don’t say “drop her as a friend” because that is not productive imo.
TLDR: my friend talked to my ex about me because she “cares about me” but she didn’t paint me in the best light and it has damaged my trust in her – how do I address this with her?
2 comments
Just tell her how inappropriate it was, that she was not being truthful, and it’s simply not her business or place.
Especially considering she “doubled down” and didn’t actually take accountability for her own actions, still thinking she’s in the right to go out of her way to falsely speak on your behalf regarding deeply personal matters—she just has poor boundaries, and you can’t just teach someone to fix that overnight.
Sounds like you’ve already explained how fucked up it was for you, there’s really not much else you can do. You can only control yourself and communicate your boundaries, if people refuse to respect these boundaries then all there is to do is to manage your expectations or walk away.
If you choose to stay in that friendship then you could expect this to happen again.(considering she doubled down) Managing your expectations can mean taking precautions and not sharing as much personal information with this person, being less vulnerable with them, or simply not allowing these situations to deeply effect you- by expecting and accepting that this friendship, and these traits, are something you chose to stick with.