We’ve been together for 1.5 years and things are going well. Have been on an overseas vacation together and spend about 3 nights a week together. We currently live a 30min drive away from each other.
I’m starting to find it mentally exhausting to always plan out which days I’ll be at his during the week, etc. I do 90% of the commuting to his house and recently asked it to be more even, which he was happy to agree to. However, he has a bigger social life with boardgame nights/parties happening in his suburb almost every weekend so it often makes more sense to be there…so I inevitably end up travelling again so we can attend. He also has a bigger room, comfier bed, etc.
I’m turning 31 soon and want to progress the relationship, but also mostly so I can see him more often and not have to mentally organise my week so much between 2 locations. I also want to live together by the 2 yr mark, as I don’t want to invest more time if we don’t live together well. Would rather know sooner than later. We don’t really talk about the future but I know we both want kids one day (I’m exploring egg freezing as I don’t want it any time soon). He recently bought a new couch with his 3 housemates and it made me almost cry at the idea of another 6 months-1year of living apart and each week having to check my work calendar, work out which days work best for me, factor in my running/gym schedule, pack a bag, etc. It’s almost like mental burnout…I’m supposed to tell him which day works best for me this week and it feels overwhelming to work through all the factors.
He’s someone that likes his space and alone time so I’m nervous about bringing up moving in together. My gut tells me he likes things as they are – he gets social time/playing video games with his 3 housemates, live in a bigger house which supports his hobbies of DIY, he’s lived there for 7 years so is very comfy, gets his alone time, and I come over most of the time anyway.
I think I’d like to mention it casually but how do I do this? I feel very nervous. Is it normal to feel this nervous? I kind of wish he’d bring it up but I feel like he won’t. I also don’t want to move in with his 3 other male housemates as it would be too crowded and I wouldn’t have space for a home office…so living together would mean he has to move out of the house he loves.
Tl;dr how do I ask my boyfriend if we can live together soon? I’m getting tired of living apart.
6 comments
Explain it to him like you did to us. That it is mentally and financially taxing, you want more time together, etc. Is he aware that you want to move in by the 2 year mark ? If so, what does he say ?
“Do you want to move in together?”
Then don’t say anything else, just watch him and let him speak. Body language + answer will tell you what you need to know
Don’t bring it up casually, there is no point in doing that. It is obviously understandably important to you. Just tell him you’ve been thinking about it and want to know what he thinks about moving in together in the near future. Just go from there, how he reacts will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship
It sounds like you may suspect the probability that you will not get the answer or reaction you want, and this Q to him is sort of a guage on the relationship itself. He may have given you the words and impression it is headed towards a larger commitment, but the move-in together phase really tests most relationships on how solid the foundation is. Usually, if the necessary stuff aint there to begin with, moving in together isn’t going to magically bring it about. It’s a whole nuther set of dynamics under the same roof. Most men who are not serious prefer a situation where they can get their needs and still retain their freedom. You may have to state your case with a determination to stay true to your own needs and desires for the future. We get what we settle for.
Don’t ask. Tell him what you want and see what he says.
“I think I’d like to mention it casually but how do I do this?”
Your future is not a casual subject. My usual advice for serious subjects is bring them up in person so you see a person’s expressions. And not at home.
My guess would be he is very comfortable with the current situation with you and his home thus has little reason to spur change.