I’m 43 my husband 38 been Married for 8 years. 2 wonderful kids 6 and 7. Here’s the story. He’s in the military hasn’t been living near his parents for most of his adult life. I work from home, sometimes he has to travel for work, I’m the default parent. He only had one brother that passed away 5 years ago. His parents are on their 70s, are poor never saved for when they retire. His mother is bipolar and I think has early dementia. She needs 24/7 care which is impossible as we both work full time. She’s been staying with relatives that help take care of her, but one of her nieces is pressing on my husband to bring her to live with us and his dad was just diagnosed with cancer he’s been receiving treatment for the cancer. We live in another state. His mother is in another state as well. Going back to my MIL niece, my husband told me last night she wants him to bring BOTH his parents to live with us. I said who is going to take care of them? You know I work. He said doesn’t want to bring his mother but said nothing about bringing his father my understanding is that he would be ok with bringing his father to live with us. I know if that happens our family dynamic will change for the worse and it’s giving anxiety just to think about his parents living with us. I kind of feel bad but at the same time I want to enjoy my kids while young and give them 100% of me, cause I know that if they come live with us a lot of that responsibility will fall on me as well. I know my husband is under a lot of pressure from his family and I feel really bad about it, but I feel I have to be selfish and think about mental well-being, myself and my kids. I feel I’m not being supportive enough but at the same time My kids need me healthy and sane I know my husband would rather not bring any of them but is being gilt tripped by his family. It’s easier said than done, they have a lot of support near and help each other out. We don’t have family near us or support. I have my kids that need me and my work, that even though I work remote I can’t abuse and do other stuff around the house while on company paid time, that could get me fired. I’m so sorry for the all over the place rambling. Please tell me what y’all think. Am I being selfish or realistic?
38 comments
This will not work. You cannot handle them both. His mother will require around the clock care if she has dementia. His father may not be as much trouble but it will put a strain on your family regardless. If he’s not around it’ll fall to you and you’ve got your hands full.
There is no way this can end well.
He is being unreasonable.
The first step before doing anything is to tell him to work out a budget that includes having nursing care come in to take care of his mom. He cannot expect you to do it because you have to work and if you take too much time away from work to care for his mom, you’ll get fired. So, nursing care is needed. It’s either that, or he leave the military to take up the role of care provider.
I strongly suspect he’s getting so much pushback because people assume that just because you work from home, you have tons of free time. I’ve been home based for 18 years and that’s NEVER the case. Sure, I can do some things like step away from my desk for 5 minutes to put in a load of laundry or move it to the dryer or start the dishwasher, but if it’s something that would take more than a few minutes, it has to wait until either my lunch break or the work day is done. He needs to understand that just because you’re home, that doesn’t mean he can rearrange your time commitments.
Can you help exploring all other options? Accepting a bipolar, with dementia MIL is a kiss of death for the marriage
I had my mum living with me. It nearly ended my marriage.,it out a strain on me, I couldn’t go out without making sure someone was here with her. It was hell.
I was in the same exact position. Then my father in law passed away and we were forced to take Mil somewhere. There was an assisted living facility that we put her in. Assisted living facilities are great because they can come and go as needed but someone check on them and makes sure they eat etc. We rented their house out to pay for it.
Both his parents should qualify for Medicare and possibly Medicaid.
A social worker from there will work with the parents to have a caregiver visit them 5 days a week. If they both qualify and have separate social workers you can even try to get someone there 7 days a week.
If they need help getting to appointments the social worker can help arrange transport.
My mom has all of this. Any issues and they call her social worker.
Doing it all yourself at home every day will drain your energy. I know I’m exhausted and that is *with* a caregiver here during the day.
Your husband is living in la la land if he thinks he can bring them home and have you take care of them, your kids, the house *and* work. I would honestly walk out the door with the kids and leave him alone with his parents to figure it out on his own how much help they actually require and how you can’t actually do it alone.
Tell him to figure out what he would do if you were divorced, how he would handle the situation. Because there’s a high probability you will end in divorce. If you take on all of that plus your job, plus your children. Resentment will grow! You’re not being selfish, you’re not wrong to not want to take this on. There are a lot of homes for older people that are based off of income. Is this an option in your area where you could visit but not have the full-time care
Honey, taking care of one sick person (dad) is a full-time job. Taking care of a dementia patient is two full-time jobs. Being a mother to two children is a full-time job. Your job is a full-time job. This is a hill to die on. No.
My MIL lives on our property; we had a small house built for her, and we own a few acres. Even with this type of distance, and our own places, she can still be difficult, giving unsolicited opinions about things she should keep her nose out of, and things like that.
So, all that to say, this will not end well for you. Many men will default to their wives taking care of his parents. Be very cautious.
I think the first step is to figure out what his parents’ insurance covers for an assisted living facility and memory care. There are facilities that are income-based/accept Medicaid. Start researching appropriate communities and get their names on the waitlist. There can be a wait time until a bed opens. After that, I would work with the extended family to see whether the family can contribute anything monetarily toward their care.
I would say, hey husband, if you bring them into our home you spend 90% of your energy caring for your parents because I will have my hands full caring for two children while working.
Unless he plans to retire from the military & be caretaker for both of them I’m not sure how he expects to do this. And even doing that would suck for your family
I would look around for a facility for your MIL. Have her live there so she would get the care and protection from herself. You won’t be able to give her that. So since she won’t be able to take care of FIL, I’m not sure. You don’t say how bad his cancer is but I hope the treatment is working. Think long and hard about taking him in. If he’s pleasant and doesn’t need a lot of care, maybe yes but I’m not there, you are. It’s just food for thought. Talk with DH and let him know your feelings. Don’t let family pressure you. And don’t tell family what you’re looking into so they can’t jeopardize it.
It’s an extremely difficult job to take care of a cancer patient, someone with beginning dementia and remain normal or somewhat normal. My own health has diminished after taking care of my husband who died of cancer and then my stepfather, also of cancer and my mom with COPD and severe heart disease. Care taking changes your entire life. Sit down and discuss this with your husband ASAP. You’ll have Dr appointments, pharmacy runs, all types of clean ups, special meals and that’s just off the top of my head. No one can possibly list the changes you’ll have in your life. I know people think it’s a responsibility to do that but no one knows the toll on the caretaker. Please talk and see if you can’t come up with an alternate placement. Without them having funds, govt services could be possible. Research before agreeing to anything. God bless you cause you’re going to need it.
I would help assist with getting them into a nursing home. It is not ideal but a Medicaid nursing home is going to be their best bet since no one is equipped to be a full time caregiver in the family and they have not saved for retirement so they will not be able to pay for the amount of care they would need in home to stay at home.
Bipolar with dementia doesn’t sound safe for your children. Look into getting her on her states Medicaid and find assisted living that will work with that.
I live in a multigenerational household, no one has additional needs at this time. Even if everyone is healthy and doesn’t need a lot of help, it will change the family dynamic and it can be extremely stressful and challenging at times. Don’t do it, just don’t.
You are going to end up taking care of his parents and you know that. You need to make a stand before you end up with them in your house!!
Has he looked into an assisted living place or even an over 50 house development or apartment complex??
Your children are young and will be hugely affected by you having to take care of his parents and having their time with you decreased significantly.
Can the mom be placed in a nearby care home and have the whole family pitch in to pay for it? I would hate this whole situation. I’m sorry OP.
Stand up for yourself. This is insane.
What’s wrong with the relatives getting Medicare support for them right where they are now? Especially since they have each other around for mutual support. It sounds like they are dreading the future and want to foist the responsibility off on your husband through guilt. That is Bull.
You have enough on your plate. Your husband needs to set firm boundaries.
Also, you are on the cusp of peri-menopause. A 15-year process frought with enough symptoms, if left interested, WILL push you over the edge, inlaws or not!
Visit us at r/menopause to learn what to look out for and how to get the help you will need in order to maintain your life, career, mental, emotional, and physical health. 43 is not too early.
As a military wife with a 9 month old no it won’t work at all if he gets orders they wouldn’t be able to move with you. So that’s pretty much the end of the conversation right there.
No. Is a complete sentence. I say this as a fellow military spouse. It’s not easy. Do not let them do the guilt trip.
Your MIL needs long-term care of some sort. Period!
FIL it depends on what type of cancer, what it is staged at and if he plans to treat it. If he isn’t going to treat it and the prognisis is less than 6 months to live he could qualify for hospice. He may be eligible for Hoslice services. Which can include home visits. So there is a possibility he could live without too much disruption providing you get alo g and have the physical space for him to have his own room.
You cannot take care of a bipolar person with dementia. That is MORE than a full time job.
There is just NO way you can: Work, look after 2 small children, run a home AND look after an elderly woman with dementia!!!
That is simoly not doable EVEN if you wanted to.
She needs to be in a care facility.
Put them in a facility close to you and visit a few times a week
Dementia patients need professional care. Family is often not qualified to provide proper care. You and your husband need to be their power of attorney and then talk to their doctors to understand what is really going on with both of them.
Husband needs to understand the commitment HE is considering. You cannot work, raise kids and care for his parents. You just can’t.
Could you build an inlaw suit in the backyard or as an extension to the house? Medicare/medicade has options for healthcare.
Just reading the title I wanna scream DONT DO IT. My husband and I moved across the country to care for his dad after his mom passed and it nearly killed our marriage. It was hard, frustrating and stressful. Being a care taker is hard work, around ten clock work and it made us resent each other. We’re much better now, his dad passed about two years ago but it took the last two years to recover and find our selves in love again after constant struggle with his dad, taking care of his dad and just overall living with his dad. It changed a lot of things.
I just want to say thanks to all of you for your honest feedback. I felt heard and understood
Honestly the fact that you’re holding down both a full time job AND default parenting must be so hard. Adding on this would be certainly impossible for anyone to handle. I can understand his point of view but this is a matter of being realistic, it can’t be done.
This will end your marriage. You already carry more of the labor burden in the relationship due to his career. As a nurse and someone who cared for a parent, I can tell you that you cannot handle this. Not to mention as a psych nurse living with a bipolar individual is extremely challenging in it’s self. Believe me once family talks you into taking dad, mom will follow. Stick to your guns. It is unfair of your spouse to ask you to take this on. Your kids would be the ones to suffer the most because you will eventually leave and they will be exposed to very bizarre and possibly dangerous behavior from a demented individual. Stand your ground with your ground with your spouse.
Curious, are you a mixed race marriage? In some cultures (particularly Asians) the expectation to care for parents can be rather high. Not saying it’s right, maybe just help in understanding.
If he is expecting you to take care of them..then it is definitely not good. I can only expect the worst outcome.
We shouldn’t get into ultimatum things of saying that it is end of the marriage or relationship. You guys should have a honest and transparent dialogue. I understand his pain in this situation…but it shouldn’t burden you and take away your time from your children and your family.
His family is not your responsibility, they are his. You already take care of the home and children. It’s not right of him to ask you to take care of his parents as well. He needs to figure out a way to do that. However being in the military, if they come live with you, he can have them as dependents which should allow so added home care. I’m not sure about adult dependents but I do know that there’s respite care available. Your husband being in the military would be able to find out more in order to care for his parents. I hope things work out for you and your family. Based on your post he’s not forcing anything and genuinely seems to be in a rock and a hard place. If he means no harm and isn’t just wanting to dump the responsibility on to you then I’d say work with him to help him be able to find the care they need. That way he can do right by them and your family, without having you take on responsibility that’s not yours. The military does have resources. If you’re conus then call Tricare East/West depending on your region and ask about the Tricare Plus program. Again your husband can do all of this. Or you can gather the information for him this way you’re helping to relieve his stress and allow him a way to respectfully care for his parents while you’re free of the responsibility yourself, without coming off as cruel or inconsiderate. I wish you all the best of luck and safety!
The family that is pressuring can take them in.
Absolutely not. You are already sensing a very small part of what the actuality of the situation I will be. It will fall to you, it will compromise the mental health of every member of your family and it will eventually destroy what you have built for yourself. Parents or anyone can linger in ill health for years, decades. Stand firm because this is the fight you must win. Rational. 100%