For context I (27f) recently stopped birth control due to all of the horrible side effects I was experiencing over the last 10+ years. My boyfriend and I discussed it and what we would do if I did become pregnant somehow prior me having it taken out. For the last year he’s said over and over he wants to marry me and have children but all of a sudden today with my period being late I asked him what would we actually do if I was pregnant. During our previous discussion I always said I was comfortable with abortion if the timing was not right- but today during our argument he said he would expect me to get an abortion no matter what. When I told him it’s my body and choice and asked what if for some reason I decided not to get an abortion he said he would be pissed at me because now all of a sudden he does not want any children. So now I’m very concerned because he’s basically stoped the marriage and baby talk and when discussing this I asked why doesn’t he go get snipped than if he never wants children and his responses just got worse and worse. It was basically explained that he still wants the option to have kids in the future but not really with me. When I said that’s not fair he actually started screaming at me saying I’m forcing him to have a child when I’m not even pregnant for one I really just wanted to know I’d be supported in either decision if that was the case. I guess I don’t feel supported anymore with how mad he got and his sudden change. I was really just looking for a response that he’d be there for me in either decision if something that wasn’t planned happened and he was just so rude and handled it entirely different than I’d ever expect him too. He went on by saying I was manipulative and he was done with me when I very simply was saying if this by chance did happen could you support me through any choice I made. Now I’m not really sure how to move forward, because now I will worry about having sex and getting pregnant now knowing that he would be forcing me or attempting to force me to get an abortion even if I no longer wanted that option. My feelings really are hurt. I am happy this was discussed prior to me ever being pregnant but idk how to continue our relationship knowing that he would respond in this way. I even told him it takes 2 people to make a baby so it essentially would be on the both of us and he was not agreeing on that aspect as well.
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The two of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this relationship, long term goals, and what you both want. Be honest with each other and figure it out. It really doesn’t sound like you are on the same page about anything.
Whoa! Hopefully it was a gross overreaction and he will apologize but once things calm down, I would sit him down and talk about this.
Did he actually say he wants kids just not with you? That’s horrible. If he just said it to be mean during a fight, it’s unacceptable that he speaks to you that way. If he means it, then I’m sorry to say you don’t have a future with this man.
I’m sorry, you deserve better.
Actually, it’s quite easy. Tell him that you can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex.
Well, now you know. Leave now. Why waste another second on this person?
You don’t move forward… he’s clearly stating that you would be on your own so just leave. Anything else would be irresponsible and only hurt you and hypothetical child. He’s definitely trash but it’s better to cut your losses now than to be a single mom with a resentful bd
Is he aware that he plays a part in getting your pregnant? He has every right to not want kids, but then HE needs to take the necessary steps to prevent it, either condoms or vasectomy.
Also, seems like he is rethinking your relationship. I mean doubt I would want to stay with someone who openly states he wants the option of kids in the future, but not with me. Like wtf? Even if he didn’t actually mean it and said it out of anger, it’s a shitty thing to do. To break down your trust and create insecurity in the relationship. I’d make the decision for him and end it. He obviously doesn’t care about your feelings. You deserve better.
Well now you now how he’d react if you got pregnant and you can decide if that’s the time of person you want to date/have sex with
One does not get accidentally pregnant on their own.
Accidental pregnancy only happens with irresponsible ejaculation. If you are having sex and not using birth control and he is aware of this and continues to have sex with you and ejaculate in you, he is 100% responsible for the resulting pregnancy.
There are several options available to him to prevent this from happening – e.g. no sex, no ejaculating, using a condom, vasectomy (which should be regarded as permanent), sex without PIV, etc.
But – OP unless you want to get pregnant, you also must use birth control. It isn’t clear from your post of either of you are using any birth control at all – and yet you are both worked up and clearly not ready to handle a pregnancy.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
More specifically, he has just told you very explicitly what he thinks of you and where he believes you fit into his life.
1) not his permanent partner
2) not the mother of his future children
3) you’re manipulative
4) he’s done with you
Believe him. Do not come up some bullshit excuse to yourself like “he was just stressed” or “but he’s nice to me sometimes.”
He just told you what’s really in his heart. Believe him.
And not one more sexual encounter either.
You can’t “accidentally” get pregnant without his…input.
His reaction is unhinged, and I don’t think I could stay in a relationship with someone who treated me that way. It would be so over so fast! He’s shown you exactly who he is, and you *need* to believe it.
do not continue a relationship with him. that reaction is straight up scary. women are most in danger of being murdered when they’re pregnant.
i don’t think this will change his mind at all (and he’ll probably scream at you again – seriously. this dude needs to be shown the door immediately), but just as a thought experiment – a few years ago a mormon mother of 6 wrote a tweet thread, then a medium article (then a book!) about how [Men Cause 100% of Unintended Pregnancies](https://humanparts.medium.com/men-cause-100-of-unwanted-pregnancies-eb0e8288a7e5)
He doesn’t want to have kids with you but with *the next woman*, he would.
Really listen to his words, he’s being quite blunt with how he views your relationship and you; what exactly would he do if you did not, in fact, get an abortion in the event of an accidental pregnancy? *Do you wanna stick around to find out?*
>It was basically explained that he still wants the option to have kids in the future but not really with me.
So he just wants to string you along and use you for sex?
If my boyfriend told me “Yeah I want to have kids someday maybe, but not with you”, I would be done then and there. What is the point of even continuing the relationship if he is saying right out “I don’t see you as the future mother of my kids”.
And you’re asking how to move forward, and worry about having sex with him because he might force an abortion? Why are you even considering staying together at this point? If this ends up being a false alarm, you should move on and end this because you are not on the same pages at all.
So, no more sex. Problem solved.
My dear, he expressed the idea that he might he open to children in the future but not with you. This relationship is over. Please do not allow yourself to be delayed any longer. His reactions were obscene and he has shown you everything you need to know in order to work out that this man is not intending to be your forever.
He told you point blank he wants kids – just not with you.
I don’t see how this relationship can continue. Cut ties and move on.
Well that conversation went from what could have been a good conversation to a very bad conversation, very quickly.
One caveat. It’s easy to say “my body my choice” but when in a relationship you need to have a lead on how the other feels because your choices could be incompatible. You didn’t expect such push back because he had had positive responses towards children in the future.
Now maybe reality hit a little closer to home or maybe he’s not feels so great about the relationship. Or maybe even he’s been listen to Or watching shows where they continually talk about how women babytrap men and are financially draining men.
Now you know how he feels about having kids with you and it’s time to move on from here. Do you still want to be with this man now that he’s angrily and forcefully told his truth?
Once you get past the shock of this incident you need to think and plan really clearly. He doesn’t sound like anyone youd want to have to coparent with if you had an accidental pregnancy.
Would he be mad at himself then?
He’s a mad man, number 1. And number 2, he’s got one foot out the door. He’s already planning a life with kids with someone other than you. He might not have met her yet, but he’s decided it’s going to happen.
I would break it off and move on. You can do better.
Well then he can get a vasectomy
The way you are talking about it sounds like you previously mutually came to an agreement that if an unplanned pregnancy occurred, there would be an abortion. Now you’ve stopped birth control, and started asking questions about what if you were pregnant and wanted to keep it. I can see why that would be alarming/upsetting to your boyfriend because it sounds like he still is not planning on having children soon. The way he handled it is still pretty unacceptable though, and the fact that he basically is putting the full burden of birth control on you is very telling. Definitely proceed very cautiously with sex if you decide to keep having sex with him because you are right to not feel as supported in making whatever decision you want after all this. If you are pregnant and want to keep it, I’d suggest planning on single motherhood.
He does realize that birth control isn’t 100% effective either? You’re literally risking pregnancy every time you have sex if you have the equipment to do so. If he can’t handle that at all, in particular with you then it’s time to stop having sex with him. I will say at least he told you so something didn’t happen and later down the line you discover he’s truly a piece of work. You found out now.
He also clearly doesn’t plan on a future with you, so please take note and act accordingly.
You’re lucky, you’ve been shown who your bf really is.
I hope henis now your x
Please don’t share your body with this man anymore, he does not respect you.
I hate to automatically go to “he’s cheating,” but when a partner suddenly does a 180 like this, it’s usually because they’ve already ended the relationship in their heads.
That’s it, isn’t it? He wants kids but not with you, and he won’t support you. Now or in a year, your relationship is over, because he clearly doesn’t like you. Stop wasting your time.
Honey, he has informed you he’s not looking to have kids with you. If that’s soemthing yoh do want, you need to walk away now.
But yeah, I’d not be having sex with someone whose not willing to take responsibility for his actions, so, again, I’d leave.
>It was basically explained that he still wants the option to have kids in the future but not really with me.
Well, this is kind of clear isn’t it? He’s not that into you.
You told him that you’d get an abortion if an accident ever happened. Now you’ve decided to stop birth control and started asking him questions that make it sound like you’re intentionally trying to get pregnant by him. That’s why he’s saying you’re manipulative. He can see it from a mile away that you’re planning to get pregnant on purpose and then go back on your word about getting an abortion.
You two aren’t right for each other. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want kids with you and would consider having kids with someone else. Don’t ruin your life, his, and your future child’s by staying in the relationship and trying to trap him with a kid. Just end it and find someone who loves you and wants a family with you since that’s what you want. Let him go find whoever he thinks is a better fit.
Don’t stay with anyone who uses the phrase “with someone else” or “the next person”. If they don’t have confidence in your relationship, then neither should you.
The relationship is done. Move on.
He told you he wants children but not with you?
Why the fuck are your still with him after he said this?
It’s an easy fix. No sex for him. Sex has inherant risks – one of them is pregnancy. If he doesn’t like that he definately is not responsible enough yet to have sex. He needs to start maturing.
There’s no such thing as man being able to forcefully get you to have an abortion it’s your body hence your choice he can only tell you how he feels about this. My question for you is why are you willing to degrade yourself by staying with this piece of sh*t. He clearly showed you his true colours but instead of leaving this relationship which normal people like us would do your more concerned about how to continue having sex with him which is child like behaviour. Sorry I’m blunt but your behaviour along with his is childish just dip from this relationship there’s certainly nothing I would want out of this if I was in your position
He’s telling you you’d be on your own if you did end up pregnant with his child. That would be enough for me to be gone.
He said he wants the option to have kids in the future but not with you? He’s just told you there is no future for the relationship.
That aside, he isn’t able to have a calm and respectful conversation about a very important topic. If you cannot agree on what would happen in the situation of an accidental pregnancy (and he would get mad at you for it as if it was your decision) that is a massive incompatibility.
It seems you’re not compatible on some pretty important things, he’s quick to get mean during an argument and he has told you he doesn’t see a future with you. Why would you want to continue the relationship?
“It was basically explained that he still want the option to have kids in the future but not really with me”. This. He just told you how he really feels about being committed to you. I’m so sorry but this is not even a red flag, it should be the end.
You still plan to sleep with him after what he told you? He has no love or respect for you. Why do you accept this?
He needs to gently (or loudly, which is what I would personally do) be reminded how reproductive anatomy works. He cannot be 26 years old and not understand that it takes semen to make a baby. No sex until he gets a vasectomy or until he uses condoms AND pulls out every time.
You don’t move past this. You don’t move forward. Do not pass go or collect $200. He very clearly showed you what kind of person he is. Do not waste another moment of your life on this clown.