TL;DR at the bottom.
I (23m) moved into my boyfriend’s (25m) place about 6 months ago after dating for just over a year, and it just doesn’t feel like home. Against my wishes, he got rid of everything he owned in his bedroom so I could move my bedroom in (I came from a rented room situation). I feel guilty that he got rid of his things, and I’m reminded of it here and there about how he changed his entire bedroom for me.
He also has his mother (63f) living with him who he’s allowed to take full control of the house outside of his bedroom. When I asked if we would be getting things like furniture or whatnot to make it our own, I was told that this is how she likes it. Everything is of his siblings (2 brothers & 2 sisters) with their children framed all over the place. On top of that, she’s extremely religious so there are bibles and bible verses throughout the living room, kitchen, etc.
His bedroom has access from the bedroom and the main area, so it’s considered the guest bathroom. I’m a hairy guy, I shed. His mother doesn’t like it because then the guest bathroom isn’t considered clean. Because of this, we’re switching bedrooms (she has a private bathroom) so that the guest bathroom can be kept clean. Mind you, I vacuum weekly if not daily almost. So after getting this bedroom arranged, now we have to take things down and apart to switch rooms.
The kitchen is a very small kitchen but it’s packed to the gills with tons of cookware, appliances, and other things. I’ve tried to make a suggestion of cleaning it up, organizing things, and removing what isn’t used. Again, I was told that this is how she likes it. Also that there’s nothing wrong with it either. I beg to differ when there are half-broken appliances, overly burnt bottom pans, more than 2 junk drawers, and styrofoam plates with plastic utensils.
Before I moved in, I brought up my concerns about living together to both of them to which I was told that everything would be fine and that I would of course have my say. I still hesitated about moving in but after basically being given an ultimatum, I moved in. Now I feel like I’m stuck here. I want to be with my boyfriend, but not like this. Not stuck in a bedroom 95% of the time that I’m here. It just doesn’t feel like this is our place, it’s his and his mother’s place where I’m a roommate. Whenever I bring it up, it turns into him yelling about how I have it out for his mother and don’t like her being here. I don’t mind his mother at all, she’s nice to me and I’m nice to her. I take her out when she needs, ask if she needs anything, and even take her to and from church 2x’s a week. I’d think that if I didn’t like her, I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her.
I just feel stuck.
TL;DR – I moved into my boyfriend’s home only to feel like a roommate in the place that his mother lives in as well. Nothing can be done or changed without her approval/say so, and he doesn’t let me voice any opinion without an argument.
2 comments
Are you sharing the mortgage or rent?
If not, it’s not your home. If so, then yes it’s your home and you should be able to have a say, but since this isn’t happening and it’s stressing you out and you probably can’t kick out his mom without breaking your relationship, you should just consider moving out and inviting him to move in with you without his mom.
I’m sorry my friend but you got played. The moment you got an ultimatum “move in or break up”, you should have taken an out.
He set you up in a way that you have no other choice but to accept what’s happening and get over it. You’re not paying rent or mortgage so naturally you have no say. But if you hadn’t moved in, it would have been over.
I don’t know if it was intentional or unconscious. The fact remains, that the core relationship in your house is between your boyfriend and his mother. You’re not a factor in their life. She tolerates you, he has no consideration for you.
This isn’t healthy, I can imagine a number of things happening over there but in every scenario you’re either a pawn or collateral.