(Reposting to add length of relationship)
My job occasionally requires me to stay away from home, maybe three times a year. Normally just for one night, but sometimes as long as three. More often, maybe six times a year, I need to attend evening events for my job, which I host.
My wife (together five years, married for one) *always* takes issue with this. We have an argument every time I have to stay away. Her reasoning is that I’m not paid for that time, so I shouldn’t have to stay away for work. My reply is that it’s in my contract, thus covered by my salary. Her response is I that should change my contract (I’m mid-management, hardly able to dictate contractual adjustments).
We have similar arguments whenever I have to host a day-time event – she insists these are pointless now that video conferencing exists, glossing over the soft benefits of meeting in person like networking.
I’m working on bringing a new person on board who can, at least, take most of the evening event hosting away, but that will take time. I can, within reason, ask my two team members to take some of those events on, too, but the majority will still fall to me as the manager.
My wife works from home five days a week, but that’s relatively new – before that she had a hybrid job, and before that was on site every day. I never complained, and I wouldn’t now if she had to attend events; I realise that some jobs just require that, but she doesn’t seem to. Her worldview tends to black and white, which we’ve talked about before.
I’m sure there’s more to this, but I’m equally sure it’s not the desire for more time together – I WFH at least four days a week and we have most evenings together.
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**TLDR** Wife and I disagree on the need for me to spend days, evenings and nights away from home for work. What can I say that will advance us towards mutual understanding?
31 comments
She is delulu.
Work is work. This particular job requires that you are away on occasion and do evenings or days on occasion. Very few people have the power to change the terms of their employment.
In your shoes, I would explain to her (again?) that this is a take-it-or-leave-it situation and ask her to clarify if she’s asking you to change jobs?
If she still doesn’t get it, marriage counseling – because she is asking you to change something that is not in your control. I’m sure this is not the only way in which she is unreasonable.
Have you asked her why it bothers her? If she can’t figure it out, she needs to think on it until she does. That’s not particularly frequent and I don’t see any reason why it should be a problem. So you need to know why she thinks otherwise. How does it affect her personally?
>Her reasoning is that I’m not paid for that time, so I shouldn’t have to stay away for work. My reply is that it’s in my contract, thus covered by my salary. Her response is I that should change my contract (I’m mid-management, hardly able to dictate contractual adjustments).
This sounds like she thinks you’re underpaid for what you do or hours worked total. How does your current salary and career trajectory track to your 5 year plans as a couple?
She sounds like a child, to whom the same thing has to be repeatedly explained. Did this start before or after you married her?
Your wife doesn’t get to decide how your business works. Travel for business is so completely normal I don’t understand why she is upset. So are in-person events. You can’t change work.
This is a weird topic for her to be obsessed about.
Have you got kids? Is there any specific burden that falls on her as a result of you being away? Does she take issue with any other occasions you’re somewhere without her? Seeing friends, etc.?
*Even if* she thought your work was screwing you over somehow, and it doesn’t seem that’s the case, I’m not seeing any good reason why it bothers her this much. What’s the actual argument? “You shouldn’t have to go” “well, it’s the job”…what’s her response to that beyond “unfair!” I can’t help but think if your job paid you extra for trips she’d find some other aspect to object to.
>I’m sure there’s more to this
So ask her. “I’m not arguing about this, you know what my job entails, yes it’s a shame being away from home, but you being so personally offended by it makes no sense to me. Can you explain it?” What’s *she* doing to work towards mutual understanding?
Your job requires travel. It’s bizarre that your wife can’t understand that. Honestly, sounds like you need marriage counseling.
How long did you have this job for? Why does she think she should even be giving her opinions about how that company, she doesn’t even work for, should conduct their meetings and events?!
It has nothing to do with her. If this was already your job description and nothing recent. This is literally your job… 6 times a year is not really anything that major as to disrupt your family life… Especially if you don’t have any children… That would be the Only reason I could think of, why should would like you home… But you even work majority of your time from home… I would gladly waved my husband good bye.
It actually sounds like she wants to control all your time and is unhappy when she can’t? Does she have other controlling attitudes? Or does she have some anxiety issues?
There is no reason this should be of any problem in a healthy relationship. And companies normally pay for the stay and food, when employees travel, so it’s not like you are doing it for free.
Honestly, you should not be dropping it, just for her attitude…. Do you live with someone else, she maybe doesn’t want to spend time with alone?
This sounds controlling of her.
Does she not understand how being a salaried employee works?
Was this the case before you got married? Did she say anything then?
Sounds like she might be insecure. Worried about you cheating maybe? Have you cheated before? Cause if not, she might need therapy to work on her self esteem….
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As someone who has to travel for work quite a bit, more than you for sure.
I’m just floored.
Some jobs require a little travel….. It’s not the end of the world as long as you’re fairly compensated for your time, which it seems like you are! And 3/6 times a year for a day or two at a time? Sounds gravy honestly.
Honestly you guys have discussed this before. She’s heard your side and I honestly doubt the idea of a job with evening or travel commitments is new to her. I would just wait until she brings it up next and say something like, “I’m not able to delegate this to anyone and this is a part of my responsibilities at work. I don’t want to argue with you about this anymore, and I’m sorry you don’t like when I need to be away from home sometimes, but it’s something I need to do to keep working at this job.” And then just don’t get into it anymore. Refuse to argue the point. It’s not up for debate – this is something you have to do for work and as much as she wants to complain you can’t skip out. She’s just going to have to deal with her feelings about it
Do you have any sort of history of infidelity, emotional affairs, friends that were too close for comfort, failing to shut down a situation quickly enough?
This doesn’t make sense without one of you having some sort of run-in with cheating or near cheating.
Hmm. I don’t think this is about not being paid for that time at all. That is a cover and this is a deeper issue. It sounds like she is feeling insecure for some reason. I would definitely dive into this in therapy.
Your wife is controlling.
3 times per year you are away for business? And 6 evenings? Out of 365 days?
I would ask why it bothers her, but it’s not because you “don’t get paid” for that.
Does she not have any friends? I’m wondering if it’s some kind of codependency issue. Are you allowed to go out with friends 6 times per year in the evenings?
Since you said she doesn’t have a problem with you socializing and going out solo, I think it has to do with the trips themselves.
I wonder, when you do these trips, does the company give you any time to sightsee or enjoy the place you’re at, either solo or with colleagues?
Like, do you arrive a few days before, stay a few days after or have part of the day to relax etc?
Are these events conferences or is it like a fancy dinner party that would technically allow +1? That type of thing? And are they in cities she’s always wanted to visit?
Maybe she wishes you could invite her to tag along, even if it’s not to be at the event with you, but to be with you on the flight and on your down time like a mini mini vacation? Or maybe she thinks you guys can take advantage and spend a few extra days together on vacation in the city your event is in, either before or after the event.
If the company pays for your hotel room and your ticket, maybe she’s thinking it could help you guys save a bit on vacation, especially if she also works remotely.
Also, I imagine running an event is not an easy task but do you make time to communicate with her on those days? Do you check in to let her know you’re thinking of her? Send her photos? Ask about her day? Or do you get consumed and ignore her for the most part?
She overreacting a lot! My husband travels 1-2 days a week and stays overnight. Sometimes he’s gone for a full week depending on the season.. work is work and she needs to empathize and realize you are making a sacrifice by being away too. It’s not easy sometimes but my husband likes to reassure me that he wants the same thing I do and that he wants to be home too but he needs to make money for us to live our lives.. makes sense!
>My wife (together five years, married for one) always takes issue with this. We have an argument every time I have to stay away.
You know why she keeps arguing with you about this?
1. Because you entertain the arguments
2. It is proving to be an effective tool to get what she wants
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>I’m working on bringing a new person on board who can, at least, take most of the evening event hosting away, but that will take time. I can, within reason, ask my two team members to take some of those events on, too, but the majority will still fall to me as the manager.
This is what I am talking about with her getting what she wants. What do you want my man? It seems like you see value in the travel and meetings and that is all that matters.
Quit getting hung up in trying to get her to understand anything about this topic, she doesn’t need to understand anything she only needs to respect your decisions.
What about if you travel without her for pleasure? Are you expected to include her in all nights away forever and always?
Edited for typo.
Restating: your wife thinks your job shouldn’t need you on travel, or you should at least be paid more.
That covers the first bit. And since I have no idea where you live, what your roles and responsibilities really are, etc, I can’t answer if your compensation is reasonable or if you’re getting utterly fucked. (Though we’re all getting a little fucked.)
The next bit …. What has happened that she’s fully ignoring how business still works? And if this is still a compensation issue, loop back to above.
Do you get a per diem when you travel? Most people with salaried jobs are still paid extra in some way when they travel.
In my opinion the main thing is that either it’s in your contract like you said, or youre salaried and it’s in your contract , so in both cases you have to do it..
Now if it had not been in your contract and you’re definitely not getting paid for it I would think about negotiating some way to either not do it or get paid for it
Of course that does potentially mean your managers above you can say well if you’re not going to do this then we’re going to let you go.
Does she have a friend/colleague/family member who’s partner cheated on the road?
Is this an example of people speaking past each other? I understand the response but if you’re leaping immediately to trying to justify your travel and she’s trying to almost micromanage you from not having to travel.
But my question is what is her problem? It sounds like she’s simply annoyed on principle which in some respects might be time to actually ask her to butt out, its your job and your choice that these are important elements of the job.
However it may be worth double checking there isn’t some other concern as other commenters have said, perhaps her head is filled with worries, maybe she is worried about the future with children that the travel might be too much and is getting pre-worried.
Honestly if there isn’t a deeper reason I think you are within rights to just be honest and tell her that its frustrating to have an argument every trip – I mean its an easy rut to get into as a partner ironically because the trips aren’t that often they might not actually realize what a patterns its become but I’d be drained and jaded if it were an issue everytime
The thing about salaries is that you don’t get paid extra for things included in the contract. Your wife has been with you for 5 years and knows that this is how it is. I’m not sure why she’s still getting mad.
She may not particularly enjoy that you leave, but this is how you make your money. Unless you change fields, I’m not sure this will change much.
You’re a professional. Travel
Is part of the job. You get paid a professional salary. She’s nuts.
Can she go with you and just stay in the hotel? So many people cheat and use work as an excuse she might be afraid of that. Try to get to the bottom of why she feels so strongly against it then you can go from there with what to do about her feeling comfortable with it.
She needs to get over herself. It’s part of your job and an infrequent part of it, at that.
Ask her what exactly she has an issue with and if she can’t give you a response then just leave it. Maybe she thinks you’ll cheat while you’re away. Who knows. But if she isn’t going to properly communicate her problem with you then she doesn’t get to complain about it.