I have been for my boyfriend for almost 2 years but have known him for three. I’ve noticed a pattern that anytime he needs to work with any sort of professional, he doesn’t seem to communicate his needs and gets the incorrect thing. It’s happened with contractors. It’s happened with multiple doctors. And he’s wasted a lot of money in different aspects of his life trying to fix things and getting nothing done.
For example, just recently he’s needed repairs made on his home. He’s hired three different contractors and it seems when they arrive they are not suited for the job and were unable to help. But we still have to pay them for their time.
Last year he started having a lot of medical issues that seemed to stem from an ear infection that went out of control. He saw several doctors and it took a while to actually get better. He was sick with a fever for 2 months. He’s also had hearing impairment for as long as he can remember and doesn’t know why. Every time he left a doctor, he didn’t really seem to have any answers. He went to his GP, an ENT and to Urgent Care during this time.
He got eye glasses recently. It was the first time he went to the eye doctor. After he got his vision checked, he didn’t know if he was nearsighted, farsighted or what. He didn’t even know he was getting glasses until he has told to pick out some frames. He got glasses and didn’t know if they were for distance or at the computer. He had to ask after he had them because he just didn’t know.
At first, when hearing these individual occurrences, you want to blame the professional for not explaining or asking the right questions. But there seems to be a pattern here. I don’t know if I should say something to my boyfriend or just let it be. I plan to spend my life with him so we have to find a way to not waste money due to bad communication. I just don’t even know how you correct this. Not sure what exactly he is doing wrong.
TL:DR BF apparently has poor communication skills when it comes to hiring professionals in any field. Has had multiple instances where he’s wasted money due to this. Not sure if something can be done. Should I address it? And if so, how?
8 comments
Both of those things are very common imo. Depending on the contracting company, a large one would have you to talk to sales representatives who might not understand everything fully and promise things that their company won’t be able to actually do. As for the doctors, I think everyone experiences that. They rule out some serious causes and send you on your way lol. Ultimately to confirm though is sit with him next time a situation like that comes up.
Does he have hangups/inhibitions about voicing his needs/asking for things?
What was his upbringing like?
Here’s what I’m curious about. When people can’t communicate well (and there’s a lot of this right now), it tends to be more broad based. You’re saying that his communication with you, his friends and fam, co-workers, etc is fine? If so, that’s odd!
On the medical one, it’s sometimes recommended to bring someone with you, but this is for complex and serious stuff, like cancer. I’ve never seen it recommended when someone needs glasses lol.
Talk to him and explain that if the 2 of you last, this will start impacting you and you want to find a solution. I have one idea that might work. Suggest that the next time he needs a “pro”, you want to be there when he calls and it’s on speaker. As soon as he runs into trouble, introduce yourself and take over. When it’s done, ask him if he noticed anything different about the way you handled it.
Even typing this, it sounds a little patronizing, but I do think you have a legit concern.
Actually this doesn’t sound like miscommunication, he sounds like he doesn’t understand what is going on often…? Or lacks awareness? Has he always been like this? Sorry to suggest another doctor here but this could be a sign of a neurological issue or possibly quite severe ADHD. Some folks on the autism spectrum can experience this kind of thing as well.
>He got eye glasses recently. It was the first time he went to the eye doctor. After he got his vision checked, he didn’t know if he was nearsighted, farsighted or what. He didn’t even know he was getting glasses until he has told to pick out some frames. He got glasses and didn’t know if they were for distance or at the computer. He had to ask after he had them because he just didn’t know.
Like, this is not miscommunication. He straight up did not know what was going on. At 29, and just getting eyeglasses, this is honestly super concerning.
… Or maybe he is like, actually super deaf
If it’s not actual hearing loss you might consider an audio processing disorder as well. I hear just fine but my brain doesn’t process audio the same way as others do so sometimes people are talking to me and I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying. Like I have to watch shows with captions to understand anything. I taught myself to lip read as a coping mechanism. When everyone started wearing masks for covid it was so incredibly hard to understand what anyone was saying to me.
Has he had his hearing tested? If not, I would start there. He should talk to his ENT. They can test him or refer him to an audiologist. A LOT of people have significant hearing loss that isn’t treated (like with hearing aids) or accommodated (like by teaching ASL).
I would offer to go with him or help him talk to contractors – or he can try to stick to email.
Others have addressed the possibility of a hearing or audio processing problem. I wanted to go in a different direction: is he anxious? As in, so anxious about taking in information that he just blanks a lot of it due to anxiety?
Another possibility is thinking that he should just understand what is said to him “man to man” by contractors or doctors. If he thinks that he should understand everything perfectly rather than asking clarifying questions, that could be leading him astray.
Attend some appointments with him. See how he’s acting during them. Look at his face and mannerisms. You can tell a lot by doing this.
He might not hear them well, he might not understand but has some barrier to asking more questions (“manliness”, anxiety, not wanting to appear unknowledgable), he might be overwhelmed, distracted, or anxious, he could be agreeing to things he isn’t understanding or his mental processing speed may be slower than the rate at which he’s getting information.
My son with autism is 17 and he’s bad at doctors. He will sit in the exam room and tell me clearly all the problems. Then when the doctor comes in he says no to things he should say yes about and vice versa. He will give totally different answers to them. Part of the reason is they’re going too fast, he needs to think a few more seconds. He feels a little anxious talking to them vs me. He doesn’t always understand all the things they’re saying even though he’s a very smart young man- he isn’t a doctor and not very familiar with medical terms.
It happens to him in meetings, on the phone, at school, etc. He can hear just fine, his brain is just on a slightly different wavelength.
Also, if your BF can access an online patient portal or record, have him sign up for it. It will show his appointment, what he was seen for, and any recommended treatment. Sometimes they will put notes in there and then you can see what he told them was the problem and all that.
Have him try to remember to bring home after visit paperwork if an online portal isn’t available. Not only does it help you see what went on, it also helps him because he can look back at it and refresh his memory, plus gives him time to read it, think about it, look stuff up, etc.
Sometimes just having stuff in writing, online or a physical copy, is a help. That goes for hearing difficulty, anxiety, neurodivergence, processing speed, etc.