I’m (25F) desperately seeking some sort of advice about my friends from university.
It’s been about 3 years since we were at university and I feel really weird about the group. To be honest, even when we were at university they were very high energy / high performance people, and I would get so exhausted and feel like I couldn’t keep up with them and end up having to go and lock myself in my room. But on the whole, I really enjoyed their company and found them hilarious and didn’t mind that I felt left out from time to time.
Since university I’ve moved in with my home group of friends. We’re all really close and have been friends since we were v young. They all have quite standard other friendships where they see them quite often.
My problem is, I really cannot be around my university friends anymore. They make me feel so insecure, I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel like anyone is interested in me and I don’t really know how to speak to anyone. I kind of freak out the entire day when I know a plan with them is pending. There are one or two that I’ve voiced this two and they act really shocked, and tell me everyone loves me etc but something in me really struggles to believe it. In particular the main person everyone is obsessed with I simply cannot hold a conversation with anymore… it’s like all of the weight of the fact that we used to be best friends gangs over us and makes it intensely awkward. It makes me so upset and I feel like individual ones keep getting frustrated at me for not coming to things anymore, but then it feels like when I’m there they don’t even speak to me! A few people have kind of dropped off from the group but when they sporadically come to things everyone is really nice to them and doesn’t seem to be annoyed about their dropping off..
I guess even typing this it’s obvious that I should just move on. But what if I am the problem? A lot of them are still really close. I also don’t really have many other friends outside of my school group and not quite sure how I could make any new ones. Sorry if this is v messy, it’s a weird situation that’s been going on for ages and it’s hard to pinpoint when something actually changed. Maybe I just suppressed it all and didn’t actually enjoy the company too much back at university. I am generally quite an insecure person with a lot of social anxiety, and I don’t feel like they get it. But maybe I’m also letting the anxiety win by cutting off everyone? Any thoughts welcome just please don’t be too harsh
TL,DR; my university friends make me insecure and anxious and I’m finding it hard to fully detach myself from the group despite living with my best friends as that is cutting a huge chunk of people out
3 comments
I think this is something to discuss with a Therapist as you’re quite right that this might be you stuff you’re projecting out than anything they’re doing. If that is the case then the addage of “wherever you go, there you are” would apply.
Equally, it might be something they are doing you are struggling with, in which case it’s still good to work with a Therapist to understand what that is so you can either address it with them or look for new friends without that characteristic/behaviour.
Actually, I don’t believe that you should move on; I think wholesale cutting everyone off will isolate you. On the other hand, if what you’re thinking about the situation is so opposite to what you’re being told, you need to step back and determine if you’re reading into things too much and giving yourself anxiety. Talk to a therapist and work out your feelings before doing anything rash like this.
First, remind yourself that friendship groups are always shifting and changing. This goes well beyond our 20s. When you ask if you’re the problem, don’t do this to yourself. It’s pretty amazing you’re still friends from your childhood group! That’s almost unheard of.
Where you might be making a mistake is looking at this as all or nothing. It doesn’t have to be this way, which is why these groups keep changing. If there are 1 or 2 you’re closer to, talk to them about it. Obviously, you wouldn’t blame the others in the group. You’d just explain you’re distancing yourself because of job, other friend groups, busy stuff, etc, but you’d like to keep up with the person if they agree.