am I being too demanding?

18 comments

1. Salutations!

   I can give an anecdote relating to my relationship. I’ve been seeing my gf for 3 months now long distance and we’ve committed to monthly visits. It involves 2-9 hour plane flights and managing finding someone to watch our children during these multi-day visits. We also have full lives of our own that we manage, visitations schedules, work schedules, etc…

   Considering your guy was just fine with visitation when you were the one doing the driving, but suddenly now he has no free time on the weekends…

   You’ve been dating for 5 months at this point. It sounds like you should now be at the point where you aren’t “making demands of him” but instead can have conversations together about what is needed for the relationship to grow. Perhaps talk with him again, but frame this as a ‘we’ problem that you both need to figure out together?

   I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation.

2. Your needs are relevant. Your needs are not demands. If you’ve communicated with him that it is important to see one another every 2 weeks, and he cannot or is unwilling to meet you halfway, then the ball is in your court. Are you happy? Do you deserve someone aligned with frequency of dates?

   He may be busy. He sounds busy but a man will make time for the people who are important to him. Being patient for a bit can be good but it sounds like this is an open time frame where he is busy for the foreseeable future.

   I broke up with a man who said he was too busy. Yes he had kids, works full time like me, but he had time for gym, buddies, road trips and volunteeering. He was content with texting and talking daily, but didn’t want to drive 45 mins to see me and even when I offered to bring dinner to his place, he said he didn’t want that because he may have to work late or he was out with his ex military buddies for guy’s night and didn’t know when they’d be done. After not seeing me and not committing to scheduling a date. I decided I had enough after a month. I want to date someone who wants to see me in person. I don’t need to be the top priority. But I’m not going to be last on someone’s list.

   It stinks but it sounds like you’re not compatible.

3. 2 hours away is really not all that far. After 5 months I’d definitely be expecting to spend weekends together – so the fact he can’t/won’t commit or plan for weekend together every 2/3 weeks would not work for me.

   It doesn’t sound like it’s working for you either.

4. Would be too far for me.

5. From reading this, it sounds like after 5 months this person isn’t wanting to make you a priority. They are still making time to hang out with friends, etc. though. I get that you are both 2 hours away and they are in school, but I personally would be seeing some red flags in the relationship. So no, I don’t think you are being too demanding.

6. I wouldn’t really like the situation, either. I don’t think you’re being demanding but you do need decide if this is sustainable for you.

7. Doesn’t sound like you’re too demanding. Of course you can be understanding. But exactly how long are you willing to wait? How much time will you allow him to attempt to put in effort? He can be nice or sweet but a person who is truly interested will find time/make compromises.

8. I drive 2 hours for tacos, play a gig, grocery shopping, or just bum around the shops til my kids get out of school. My kids go to school 90 minutes away. All of my dating is also done there.

   So, based on my experience, 2 hours is a nothing drive in my opinion. So, for me, this would be a no go if I was looking for a committed relationship, or even a casual one with consistency.

9. You’re not being too demanding. You like him. Your wants are natural and expected. Honestly, you should feel proud of yourself that you’ve been so vulnerable and brave in putting your feelings out there that you’d like to see him more. Any person who appreciates their time with you and also values your time would feel special by that reveal.

   With that being said, your gut is speaking to you quite loudly here. Your gut is saying, I communicated that this thing was important to me, I want to work together with him so we can accomplish this goal together, but we are for some reason unable to move forward. Your intuition is raising this flag and it’s why you decided to post here, because you are likely uncertain on what should be the next step forward. After all, you communicated with him, is the next step to just wait to see what happens? Is this sort of resignation fulfilling to you? No security, no agency?

   You’ve been out with him for a couple of months now so give him the benefit of the doubt, but gather information on what he’s thinking: we need information to be confident with our decisions. I would bring it up with him again, and share that this is important for you that you all are able to make plans, in particular to see each other, grow with one another, and build off this growing connection. Ask him if he’s thought about it yet, and what he needs from you for you all to meet this goal. Pay attention to what he says. If he’s still noncomittal, haven’t thought about it, haven’t planned anything, etc… then this is **information.**

   While I am understanding of busy schedules in general, I don’t think his busy schedule is relevant here. What you care about is him taking the initiative to meet you halfway on this issue and to be proactive about a resolution, and his actions thus far is not there. I’d give him about a week or two weeks (however long before your self respect starts being affected) and still doing your part in bringing it up with him every now and then, and helping. If after that time, he’s still not being actionable, I would act on your gut, and take decisive mental steps in planning to leave this relationship. Hugs chica!

10. I don’t think you’re too far off base here, unfortunately. He is not prioritizing this.

    As my father always said- you make time for the things that are important to you. I have found this to be true, always.

    If someone is important to me, I’ll skip the gym for a couple days to go see them. And, believe you me, I hate to skip the gym. I’ll certainly miss a night out with my friends.

    If I’m serious about someone, I will find a way to make it happen. Early morning drives, late night drives, whatever. I’d take a day and drive two hours each way, if need be. No reason you can’t go over for an evening and head back the next day.

    I surely would not say, ‘sorry, can’t see you this month, doing stuff.’ Two hours of driving/direction is totally doable. Not easy, but it’s doable.

    You know this to be true, because you would do it for him.

    I’m not saying torch the ship, but keep that in mind.

11. Bring it up and tell him exactly how you feel. If he cares enough he will try to make more time for you

12. No you ain’t demanding, I hate to ask this but how do you know his parents are staying there ?? If he has time for co workers,gym,masters,then YOU should be squeezed in them plans,every weekend not every 3,how into you was he when you the one that drove there taking Ur time out ??

13. If they want they will! It works for friendships too

14. Voicing your needs within a relationship isn’t demanding and you don’t sound like you are demanding anything. Being a two hour drive away I don’t see why he can’t see you during weekends, getting to your place Friday evening then leaving Sunday late afternoon or early evening sounds doable to me. It sounds like he isn’t prioritising his time with you and you’re on the bottom of the list. I hate feeling like the person someone goes out with when no one else is free. It’s like I’ll spend time with you if I have nothing else better to do kinda vibe. When dating someone if there are no children in the picture then partners come first friends second. In my option if they have time to go out with their friends then they have time to go out with me. If they can’t fit in both then they need to pick what’s most important. See their friends less often. There is a reason why people in relationships see their friends less often than when they were single. People don’t have an unlimited amount of time or money to spend on leisurely activities.

    My current boyfriend lives in a nearby town to the city I live in which is a 30 minute drive away although it can be an hour if traffic is bad. As I don’t have a car at the time being visiting him takes me 2 hours on public transport. I have a busy work schedule and often work unsociable hours so that does limit how often I can see him. He generally has more free time than I but has his kid most weekends this means we only see one another once or twice a week with once being more of the norm. I put in a lot of effort to ensure I can see him at least once a week he gets first choice on my free time and I will wait to see my friends, I will generally see my friends during the days my boyfriend has his kid so can’t see me that’s if I have the weekend off. I put money aside that is earmarked to spend on any dates with my boyfriend so this means I can’t afford to go out with friends as much. I have explained to my boyfriend that seeing each other once a week is the bare minimum and whenever possible we should see one another more often such as when I have booked time off work.

    If I were you I’d explain things one more time and give yourself a set timeframe if things don’t change within then to end things.

15. Can you ask him why he hasn’t made the trip since Easter? Before assuming you’re too demanding or that he’s uninterested, I’d ask what’s up.

    There could be plenty of reasons: long drives aren’t enjoyable, preparing/packing for a weekend away isn’t as simple as it sounds, planning doesn’t come naturally, etc.

    Maybe you two can find a mutually comfortable compromise if he’s willing to talk openly about why he’s not visiting as often. He needs to be honest and forthcoming if the end goal is finding a solution that works.

    There’s a huge difference between text-consistent vs. in-person consistency when it comes to dating. Physically sharing your personal space is critical to learning, developing, and growing together as a unit. Texting regularly over months…or even years won’t provide the same level of mutual intimacy.

    Try your best not to make assumptions, or take it personally until you’re able to ask him more about this. I’d leave heavy emotions out of it – be frank, and straightforward

16. I think that what you’re asking for is perfectly reasonable, but it might still be more than he can give you right now.

17. Just wanted to say these comments in this subreddit are confusing at best.

    Countless times the comment section talks about how liberating it is to have your own life and how that shouldn’t change when you’re in a relationship. How people in this subreddit will support an OP who refuses to compromise their career, neglect their friends/family, or their hobbies – because no partner is losing yourself (read: compromising) for.

    And yet every comment here is suggesting this guy should really be readily be reorganising his routine to suit the OP and because he OP should know what to do next because her needs aren’t being met.

    While I don’t disagree with the latter statement. I really think a lot of this subreddit are suggesting other people make sacrifices/compromises that they wouldn’t necessarily make themselves.

    As for the situation at hand. You’re not being too demanding but at the same time if he isn’t willing to drive up every weekend he’s not necessarily being an asshole either. It just shows you have different expectations for how prioritised (or not) a relationship should be.

18. 2 hours is quite a trip. It’d have to be a weekend stay for me. Which seems like is what you’re OK with.

    I don’t think it’s too demanding. He has the rest of the week to enjoy being alone and doing his own things.

    Maybe the gas prices are discouraging him.