I’m not a natural at dating multiple people, and I could use some help deciding whether or not I’m leading this guy on or just giving him some time to shine….
Dating in early summer was a pretty awful for me, it was months of bad dates, bad sex, I got catfished, ghosted etc… So I was happy when I had a nice first date with A(36M) in late August. We had an afternoon date on a lake, had nice light conversation with good chemistry, made out a little bit and hooked up later on. He seems like a sweet guy, he’s cute and the sex was good. My enthusiasm waned a bit during texting over the next week. I have a full life with lots of hobbies and interests, and he didn’t seem to have much in his life except work which made texting dry-ish. We had one more date that felt kind of rushed to me, he had something to do for work afterwards. I felt he liked me but didn’t seem to care about getting to know me that well. He sent texts suggesting he’d like to be my boyfriend, but I get the vibe he wants any relationship more than a relationship with me in particular…. Unless he’s not expressing it well? Idk.
A week after dates with A, I reconnected on OLD with an old friend of an ex (N 35). The connection has become kind of magical. We had an amazing first date, a coffee extended into dinner, we have interesting conversation, he’s quite attractive to me and chemistry is awesome. The sex is not only physically awesome, but it feels emotionally bonding too. He is open about how he really likes me and for lack of a better word, we both feel really seen by one another. We’ve hung out a handful of times, and have long phone conversations on many nights we’re apart. I know he’s not dating anyone else right now and I feel confident guessing that he’s not looking. We haven’t talked exclusivity (too early imo). However, it’s not a sure thing… obviously *it’s early*, and his work is logistically complicated (he runs an international startup) so I’m still monitoring if our lifestyles and communication can mesh over time. He’s expressed he’ll need some time to be ready to be in a relationship, his business is in a transitional phase and he’s not 100% sure where his home base will be. I’m looking for a slow & steady timeline so that’s ok by me for now but also a yellow flag as he could move and that would complicate or end things (seems likely he’ll get to stay but again, not a sure thing.)
So.. A just got back from a two-week vacation. I had asked him to dinner when he returned (this is before I got to know N better). He just texted me to plan it and now…. I don’t want to go. And I really don’t want to sleep with him (he’ll expect this).
Part of me is worried I’m putting my eggs in one basket with N again and I’m not giving A a chance…. But my gut says I’d be leading A on just for sake of having a backup plan if I don’t cut him loose now. (declining my own plan would be super awkward but I can figure it out…)
Those of you more comfortable with juggling dates, how do you know when the connection with someone is comparatively lacking because you need more time vs. your other connection is just stronger, full stop? Are you usually excited for all your dates?
I don’t love repeating my pattern of narrowing down to one person pretty quickly, but forcing it with someone else also feels like I’d be treating them wrong….
Would love advice, please!
20 comments
I’m a big advocate of multi-dating. Having said that, I think you should cut A loose. Not because of an issue with multi-dating but because you don’t want to go. You lost interest in him before things got steamy with N. It sounds like whether N was around or not, you wouldn’t be happy about seeing A again. No point in going out again in my opinion.
But I would be careful with N. All that chemistry can burn out quick and he sounds wishy washy about his future plans (might be legit, might not be). I’d keep looking for other dates in the meantime, just not with A.
Your gut says guy A isn’t the one for you, cut him loose (in a nice way).
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I was not comfortable multidating until I did it. It showed me the person I had been wanting exclusivity with was right for me.
You deal with the, am I leading them on, feelings by total transparency. With everyone involved. But there was a major difference in that we established sexual exclusivity before that.
In your situation, where A has already made it seem like he assumes and wants to be exclusive, you might have already missed the chance to date both.
To me, when someone deceives through avoiding total disclosure when topics come up, it’s a red flag. I’m not saying you had bad intentions, but idk if you can see it’s hard to start a healthy relationship doing that.
As far as gauging who to be exclusive with, for me it’s obvious. I’m just happy enough with what I already have that I don’t want to meet anyone else. And if I have a date with someone else, I’m wishing it was with her instead.
I did a lot of multi-dating and also had a habit of rushing into things (which is why I multi-dated). To walk the line between leading people on and narrowing down too early, I used intimacy/sex as a barometer. Once I started sleeping with someone and developing feelings, that felt like a natural time to cut things off with my other dates. Like you, by this time, I didn’t really *want* to be going on dates with others. This does come with risk, as dating always does, but I think assuming some risk is better than continuing to date people you’re not that into just for the sake of multi-dating.
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Just listen to your gut homie. Just break things off with N and date A exclusively and see how it goes. If it works out then you gotta winner. No harm done I think.
I don’t know if I have much to add but I did want to say I was just dating the female version of “A” (I’m a 35m). She was cool but didn’t have a whole lot going on other than work, no real hobbies or interest and I have lot, so conversation were never really that deep. We could shoot the shit for hours but I never really felt like we connected. She was vocal about wanting to be exclusive but I just couldn’t do it so a couple days ago I took her to lunch and broke things off. She’s a great person and on some levels I do miss her but I just don’t think she was my person.
It sounds like you’ve already answered it when you thought “I don’t want to go out again with A or sleep with him”. So I’d end that with A and then proceed to see how it goes with N. Remember it’s not an “either or” because even if it doesn’t work out with N, there will be someone else who fits your life better!
I feel like you’re my twin! Lol. I would say cut A out, don’t force yourself to spend time with someone you don’t want to. Stay in multi dating mode, don’t invest emotionally fully in dude b. Stay on the apps, and keep looking, because it sounds like B hasn’t you a commitment, and until it gets discussed, you serve yourself best by not overfocusing on this relationship. IMO, the intent of multi dating is to date multiple people that you like, so that you can learn your preferences and dislikes, I don’t think the intent of multi dating is necessarily to have one you like and the rest to just keep you busy and you don’t even like them; that’s more of a negative as it’s a drain on your time and energy that you could spend on other areas of your life!
End things with A and be careful with N. Sounds like you’re leading A on a bit and you shouldn’t be with someone because he was the least bad choice.
All I can say is that as a guy, if I find out the a woman I’m dating is also seeing other people, I cut her off. It gives me the ick.
N doesn’t sound like he’s actually looking for a relationship tbh.
One important factor with multi-dating is to be cautious with having sex too soon. Like, for a lot of people sex stirs up emotional feelings and I think it’s important to be respectful about that for your sake, and potentially for others sake. I feel like there is a spectrum of honest communication and the less into someone you are, the more you should be forthright about that fact if you are going to sleep with them. Then there’s the managing of sleeping with more than one person at the same time. The only advice I can think of would be to say, don’t make that an ongoing thing unless you are willing tell them all it’s an ongoing thing. That seems to be the best principles to be the most respectful to all parties involved and set a good standard
OP multi-dating is not multi-sleeping. The intent was for people to still meet up with different people on the apps, while they worked TOWARDS figuring out who they want to be exclusive with (say 1-2 months in). Dating experts say men bring commitment up within 5-6 weeks if they’re seeing you 2x a week and both want long-term.
Women use the term, “spark,” etc. Bottom line is you’re just MORE IN LUST with new guy, that’s completely fine but as long as you recognize nothing magical is happening there but a physical response.
The “spark” is not an indicator of relationship success. Marriage/Dating experts have put this to rest.
These men are in mid 30s, I’m assuming you’re 20s or very early 30s.
If you’re closer to their age, I recommend Marry Him (Lori Gottlieb) and How to Not Die Alone (Logan Ury). They use science/date to back up their findings. Great audiobooks.
I don’t think this new guy that entered the scene, will be around for long. You’re a car salesman (trying to get into a relationship), you can sell a car (relationship) to someone intentionally looking but how much harder is it going to be to sell that car (relationship) when they’re not even in the market for one!
That said you don’t seem into the previous guy. Sometimes you leave the car dealer with no car that day, keep seeing what’s out there.
Tough spot and I think most people who are online dating have found themselves in similar situations, myself included. It’s often necessary to multi-date in order to find someone who clicks.
In your particular situation, I think it’s early enough and probably OK to string A along for a bit. N could go sideways and then you’ll at least have A for some decent sex and company.
Better yet, keep the vibes going with N, but get some third options lined-up as well. I guess there’s a dating cliche, “always be looking”, but it’s kinda true.
I don’t multi date.
When I was single, I’d just date someone I’m interested in and see what happens.
Sounds like you should do the same.
Same people multidate, some don’t. I was in your situation, went out on a dinner with A, had sex, and felt terrible afterwards. Hung out one more time before breaking it off with him (because I am a doormat). The relief I felt is undescribable. I could give my full focus to B who truly felt like the loml. He ended things after 10 months for some unavoidable circumstances but I’ll always cherish our time together.
” Hey A, I just want to be honest and upfront. While you were away I ended up connecting with someone and I’d like to pursue that. I didn’t intend for this to happen nor is it anything you did. I enjoyed the time we spent together but I find myself more compatible with this person. I hope you understand and let me know if you want to talk more about this.”
Optionally, see if A wants to remain friends or not.
You like A enough to sleep with him but you don’t like him enough for him to be your boyfriend. You like N a lot but CLEARLY he doesn’t like you (or he likes you as much as you like A.) But you just can’t accept that someone doesn’t view you as GF material.
Conclusion: none of these guys are good long term boyfriend material for you. Keep looking.
If you’re having interactions with them I’d suggest you be frank and tell them it’s just for fun and casual (you’ll see N instantly agreeing with this and A be upset about it but as a guy he’ll probably still do it.)