I (28F) and my husband (37M) have recently hit a rough patch. I have decided that I want to go back to school so I can make more money and be financially stable/ independent . This has been very important to me, especially after seeing my mother (60s F) being left with nothing after my dad divorced her . I also want to be able to support myself financially and not depend on anyone (like I have been doing) for financial support. I also have chronic pain that will not get better over time and flares up with the type of work that I do , I feel like my time in my current field is limited , and my partner is aware of this, too.
I know what I want to do, found a good school etc. I talked to my husband about this, and to my surprise he was very unsupportive. He, at first, told me that I can’t go back to school, he later said that there’s no way he can afford to support me and pay our bills on just his income. I understand, I offered to take out a personal loan , school loans etc. to help me reach my goals.
He ultimately told me if I want to go back to school I need to figure it out for myself, and figure out how to do full time school and pay for my bills. I am, of course willing to work part-time which should be sufficient.
Originally, I would have expected something along the lines of “let’s figure this out together”, but every time I talk about school it turns into a huge blow up.
I almost feel like he’s controlling the outcome of my life , and that bothers me. Am I expecting too much from him? Am I being selfish and unreasonable ?
TLDR; I want to go back to school, my partner is against this idea. Am I being selfish for expecting more support from him?
21 comments
My ex was like that. For years I wanted to go back to school and he wouldn’t let me. COVID hit and I finally figured out life’s too short to be chained to someone who wants to control me. Divorced him and I’m in my last semester of a master’s degree and honestly happier than I ever was with him. If he can’t be supportive of your dreams, then maybe you’re better off pursuing them without him.
It sounds like he doesn’t want you to go back to school, but instead of outright saying it (because it would make him look controlling), he is just making up excuses.
I would be very suspicious of a partner who does not support you wanting to improve your life and earning potential, especially if they can’t articulate a valid reason why. I would be worried that he wants you to be dependent on him.
Let me get this straight. You want your husband to pay for your job training so you can leave him?
And you are perplexed why he might not be thrilled?
How long have you two been together?
> He ultimately told me if I want to go back to school I need to figure it out for myself, and figure out how to do full time school and pay for my bills
He’s helping you achieve your goal.
Don’t you see the irony of you wanting to be financially independent and then asking him to pay for your school?
In replies you stated that he specifically told you he’s afraid you’re just preparing to leave him, and he’s unwilling to aid and abet that, given you’ve stressed the “financial independence” angle, and not the “stronger as a couple” angle.
What remains confusing? You can take all of this advice from strangers and believe he’s “controlling” or whatever, or you can listen to what he *actually told you* and fix it
How would you fix it? By assuring him that you see this as strengthening *the household*, not creating a separate life from him. That you shouldn’t have led with your mother as an example because you aren’t your parents. Then go from there
Maybe he is 37 and is settled. Maybe you can’t afford it. Maybe loans will set back his and your goals. Maybe you should just leave him and find someone at a similar life stage and let him do the same. At 37, you’re not going back to school or very few people do. That’s the stage he’s at and that’s the stage you were at, and I’m sure you both had long-term plans now to move forward. I don’t see why he’d want to take on debt and delay things into his mid-40s? He’s taking a risk with you going back to school too he’s a lot older than you he can’t afford , to hit the dating Market at 45 after you find someone else in school who you connect with more. If you don’t think people think about this… people think about this. You have just completely changed your life trajectory that you had planned, and he probably doesn’t want that you probably liked what you had planned.
But if you want to go back to school you go back to school but I think you’ll probably have to leave him and it’ll be best for both of you. He can move forward find someone else to settle down with while you move on to a new phase of your life
Well I would say it sounds like he doesn’t want to foot the bill while you are studying. He also might not love the idea of going into debt to study what exactly? Do you even know?
Let’s say you do this, enroll in school. And he loses his job. What now? Do you quit school and support all of you until he finds until or are you screwed then? Or is that just his job to work full time?
I would need a detailed plan, and would need to know my wife will follow through.
If my wife just said I want to go back to school and had no plan at all, I would be very worried. I would want her to study something that she has a chance of succeeding in and not just another bill I have to pay and you don’t end up with a better job.
To me it doesn’t sound unsupportive, it sounds like he knows it’s not gonna be as “fine” as you say it will be, and is worried you are taking advantage of him.
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You’re not being selfish to ask him for support. I know you’re married but you still have to put yourself first, you have to make sure you will be okay in life.
Go for it, regardless of what his support is, anyone who holds you down and back isn’t someone who wants to grow with you. They just want to stay small and make you suffer with them.
If you phrased your conversation with your husband like your post I’d be weary too… your motivation seems not to be bettering your family/bettering your future with him, rather concern that he’ll leave you? That would make consider the foundations of the relationship. You’re in a marriage, your thoughts should be about the future with your husband. If the two still coincide then have a talk but make sure your priorities are in check.(I’m not saying don’t go to school) You and your husband are a team. So think how can this decision better (us).
Tldr your focus shouldn’t be on your life after your husband but rather with him. Going back to school may be a viable option but I think your reasoning for going may be a little skewed.
You know OP, if you had posted that your husband expects you to get a better paying job so that you can contribute more to the household, and you were saying that was difficult for you because you would need to go back to school/you have chronic pain etc, half the commenters here would be ripping you a new one for expecting him to be the main breadwinner.
And if you posted that your marriage is in trouble and you were worried about how you were going to support yourself without your husband’s income, everyone would be telling you you’re an idiot for letting yourself be financially dependent on him.
You’re really damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
A marriage is a partnership. Good partners support each others’ dreams and goals and invest in each other and make sacrifices for each other. Good partners do indeed say “let’s figure this out together” when they come upon a point of conflict.
It sounds to me like you want emotional support from your husband on this front more than you want financial support. So you need to open the conversation again on those terms before you start getting into the practical details of who will pay for what and when. Your husband obviously has a lot of insecurity around the idea of you being able to survive on your own without him. Maybe it’s because he’s controlling, maybe it’s because you phrased your desire badly, maybe it’s because you two have bad communication in general – but whatever it is, you need to find a way to get past it so you can actually talk about this without a “huge blow-up”.
So just so I’m clear, you have a legitimate school and degree picked out and you can attend while still paying your share of the bills/working part time? What is the problem then? Why should this be a blow up, just proceed with your plans?
OP… I hope the extremely different reactions to your post tell you something. The way you worded this post to some screams I need stability and safety to have a better life with my husband. To others it screams, I am afraid of being left, so I want all the tools to leave him if I choose.
In the end it sounds as if you are perhaps giving your husband just as confusing of a message. Maybe you need to really work on how you deliver what your goals are. You mentioned that he said he can’t support everything. Well, if he doesn’t, then you are asking him to incur debt. That isn’t much better. Perhaps your relationship is shakier than you think.
Sit down, calmly express how you want this to benefit you both and not just you. Calmly explain how you don’t want him to take care of everything, just be supportive and help figure out terms you can both be happy with. Possibly even consider taking a low number of classes or credits at first while working full time. Be open to compromise and long hard discussions. This is a messy subject, clearly seen by the reactions here. Take your time and try to be understanding the same way you are asking him to be. Seeing it from only your perspective won’t help solve anything.
I mean, you sound like you want to leave him and that’s what he’s hearing…
Financial independence is key, though it sounds you are sure and have done the research, you may have to go to your plan B with part time schooling (I’m assuming you had done that research already). In the post it wasn’t written that you discussed the alternative with him, perhaps you should lay out the plans that you made with the part time schooling and the likelihood of success with it. You can also tell him the reasons behind your decision and how you want his support in this: emotionally enthusiastically or whatever because it’s an investment you think will pay off.
But if that was already done… what did he say?
He wants you to be dependent on him. That’s not a good idea. Do whatever you need to do to better yourself. You don’t need his support. He’s showing you who he is. Don’t ignore it.
There may be a conflicting message here and I have feeling he’s afraid you could be preparing to leave him.
If you can complete your education on your own, go ahead and do that, but instead I would promote the idea that this is a good for your partnership and would make financial matters a lot less stressful for the both of you in a large number of ways. , Do you guys have much in the way of emergency savings? Are you on track to be comfortable enough to cover basic expenses for retirement?
Making sure you can take care of yourself if something happens isn’t just about divorce, either. What if something happens and you become a widow? You still need a way to support yourself.
I don’t really understand why everyone is being so hard on you here. To me it’s very normal to want to be financially independent from your partner? And to get there, you need help and support (not just financially).
If your husband is so insecure that he think you will leave if you make your own money, that sounds super controlling and weird to me. If you were only staying because you need his money, why the hell would he want to stay married in the first place? Everyone should want their partner to be able to provide for themselves and the family. What if anything happens to him? You’d better have a good career to fall back on.
You current career is unsustainable and he knows this. I think it’s a huge red flag that he’s trying to keep you down because you *might* leave. It’s okay if he doesn’t want to pay for your education, you can take out a loan. But the least he can do is emotionally support the person he supposedly loves.
If you can afford it, it might be a good idea to go to couples therapy. This insecurity will turn into resentment if you don’t deal with it before you go back to school.
Look if you don’t have kids with him,just leave.
His reaction emphasizes exactly why you need to go ahead and do this. It’s not too much to ask for him to be supportive of you bettering yourself. If he believes your relationship is stable and healthy, why should he feel threatened by you creating a better financial situation for yourself? Maybe you can pose that question to him and force him to talk about any insecurities/irrational fears he may be having, but either way don’t let him obstruct you.