Struggling to Set Boundaries and Speak Up

I’m not sure how must context is needed as far as who I am as a person, so I’ll just give a brief description. I (22F) can be described as quiet and reserved. I have social anxiety so I’m very shy with new people sometimes. I feel the worst in large groups when I’m just meeting people. Sometimes I’ll say hi to random ppl or compliment them, I am very receptive and friendly when approached first. I was more outgoing as a young child but got into trouble for talking too much in class, started experiencing racism at school, and never had a stable environment. I was constantly moving every couple years and having to start over. I’ve had tons of toxic relationships where I was used as the butt of every joke, round the clock emotional support, and a supplementary friend for when others weren’t available. This continued into adulthood. I am now aware the the traits in myself that made this possible and am working getting better. One of the biggest things is that I struggle with boundaries. I was never allowed to set them growing up and never taught how.

I recently learned about boundaries 2 years ago and have been struggling ever since. I was always taught to ignore mistreatment. I’ve had it happen a few times where random strangers insult me while I’m working or running errands and I freeze up in shock. I have no idea what to say and any thoughts I have feel very uncomfortable, mean, and unacceptable. I have dark skin, a nose piercing, and a few tattoos. It’s always older people that do this to me. They make racist comments about my hair or tell me I ruined my body by getting a piercing. This happened again yesterday and I feel guilty for not standing up for myself.

Yesterday I went to the nail salon and was feeling proud of my self for advocating for myself. I always don’t want to be a “burden” or “rude.” So I was happy that I told the nail artist that I wanted more hot water, didn’t want a specific tool used, needed more color options, ect. I felt really good about myself for that. THEN…. I accidentally made eye contact with a random old lady and she started ranting to me. She told me how she was treated so poorly for being dark (S.E.A) and that she prayed for light children and won’t allow them to ruin their beautiful skin with piercings. I was shocked and disgusted and lost for words. Just as I felt I was doing good. I didn’t say anything. This made me feel physical pain in my chest. I wanted to tell her to shut up or stop talking to me but I couldn’t. I thought that would be extremely rude.

I’m not the absolute worst with boundaries but when someone does or says something very shocking out of nowhere, I freeze and don’t know what to say. There’s been times that I didn’t like something a person I see regularly was doing or saying. I talk with a friend about to see if I’m overreacting and they encourage me to have a conversation with that person. After that extra push I am very good about addressing it to that person. I want to able to this on my own the second the boundary crossing happens. Not how I have let the situation build up until I snap weeks, months, or years later.