I (37f) am throwing a 5th birthday party for my son. The problem is we’ve had the worst season of rain and it is now of course going to pour all day. I rented a big bouncy house so rain is kind of a problem. The following day looks nice so I could move it. Mondays a holiday so it’s no sweat for me. Most guests can make it too. Except one of the most important- my boyfriend (46m) and his kids. Been together almost 2 years. He can make it to the original date but the following day his daughter has a day long soccer tournament. His ex wife is unavailable so he can’t just leave his 6th grader alone at a field all day. I know that realistically it is just a part of life. But my son absolutely adores my boyfriend and his kids. He will miss them but will be busy that day and plenty happy. The other issue is that we just announced to our families that I’m moving in with him this summer. This is a big deal to my family because it’s a distance away. I feel like we should be together for my son’s birthday – as a family that will be there for each other always. I should also mention that his daughter is upset about the move (she hates change) and just found out – so she’s in a delicate position right now. Am I right to be understanding? Or should he be making the effort to come to the party?
TLDR: I have to change my child’s party due to rain and now my boyfriend and his kids can’t make it (sports tournament all day). Should he be making more of an effort to compromise and still make it to part of this party? Or is it not really a big deal?
22 comments
I have no idea about soccer tournaments, but have you asked him if there’s a family friend (or a teammate’s parent) that could be there for an hour or two while he drops by the party? Or could they come by at the end of the night? If there’s no realistic way for him and his kids to be there, then there’s no more effort he could be putting in… Also, if you change the date, people can’t always make it- your family and friends will understand that
Be understanding. How can he make more of a compromise? You are asking him to let down his daughter so not to let down your son? Honestly, if it is SO important to you that your boyfriend be there, then dont change the date of the party and nix the bouncy house. What is more important to you… a bouncy house or your boyfriend being there?
Welcome to blended families. Or hell, families in general. As a 12 year old there’s no way you could have paid me enough to spend a whole day at a 5 year old’s birthday party. I had an 8 year old sister and probably made arrangements to be at a friend’s house that year. This is something important to her, it’s your partner’s duty to uphold his commitment to her. Maybe do a “family birthday” the day before with just you, him, and the kids.
It’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes plans change and things don’t go the way you wanted to. Kids need to learn that and cope with it from a young age. He can either be there for the birthday party or the soccer tournament.
That day was originally for the soccer tournament and the birthday party isn’t even on the actual birthday. He’s making the right choice. Also being the support during competition for a 6th grader should take precedence over playing with a 5 year old who will likely be too busy with the bouncy house to talk to people.
Especially since his daughter is feeling upset about the move, him making her miss out on her spots tournament would just breed resentment towards him and also you. Making him compromise is cruel.
ffs move the party to a fun indoor venue.
drop the bouncy house.
keep the boyfriend.
> Should he be making more of an effort to compromise and still make it to part of this party?
You mean “should he ditch his daughter’s event for my son’s?”
Your son won’t remember that your boyfriend wasn’t at his fifth birthday. His daughter would DEFINITELY remember if her dad prioritised his new relationship and his new stepson over her at a time when she needed support.
Why would anyone else care about your boyfriend not being at your son’s birthday? I don’t understand why this is even a matter of concern for you.
P.S. are you sure the jumping castle is still going to work if it will have poured with rain the day before? The ground will be sodden.
Well there’s no way he should be missing that soccer tournament. You want him to go to the tournament. That said, celebrate with him and his kids the day before.
Is the important thing that you have a strong blended family, or that you *appear* to have a strong blended family for everyone else? If it’s the first then have a private family only birthday dinner with you, your boyfriend and all your kids on the original birthday party day and make sure your son knows that your BF and his kids are showing up specifically to celebrate with him. Get some good bonding time in and let your son get an extra day of being the center of attention.
If your concern is just about appearances for the other guests at your party, then sorry but your boyfriend shouldn’t prioritize that over his daughter’s tournament. As others have said that’s very unfair to her and there’s a really good chance she ends up resenting you, your son, and her dad over it.
If his daughter is struggling to come to terms with you and your son moving in with her father, you have much bigger problems than your son’s birthday party. Your boyfriend needs to attend his daughter’s tournament. If he doesn’t, all his daughter’s fears will be confirmed. You are the one who changed the day of the birthday and you want him to let his daughter down because you changed the schedule. Your new blended family will fail if you continue to insist you and your son are your boyfriend’s priority, not his biological children. You and your boyfriend are both going to need to make sacrifices. At this point you are being unreasonable and asking him to make his daughter a lesser priority than you. If you want your blended family to work, you need to drastically change your attitude.
It’s your son’s birthday. It’s about him, not your boyfriend being there. Priorities damn it.
Don’t be one of those moms who put their boyfriend before their kids. Your son will be writing on Reddit how bad of a mom you are when he’s older.
Why can’t you all do something together on the Sunday? It might not be a good as a bouncy castle but you would at least get to all be together as a family.
You definitely need to be more understanding. You’re basically prioritising a bouncy castle over your boyfriend’s presence and in his place I would be very very annoyed to have well settled plans ruined over something so trivial.
Just imagine your boyfriend telling all your family and friends that he can’t make it because you made the entire schedule around a bouncy castle and then expect him to ditch his kid for a non-issue. You would come off very poorly.
“My boyfriends young daughter is having a hard time adjusting to a move and her mother can’t be present for her soccer tournament
He made time for My Child but I had to move the date
Why can’t he just show his daughter that when it comes to my son, things that he has PRE-planned with her can become second most important??
Is he not doing enough to compromise on being a present father for his daughter or is this really not a big deal ??? Am I being too understanding?? ”
Edit: please read that and do some reflecting. You’re gonna wind up in evil step mom territory. Time with his daughter is not compromisable for aesthetics and bouncy castles.
He would be a real jerk to miss his daughter’s tournament for this. He made a commitment to her and she made a commitment to her team and they both need to keep those commitments.
It’s okay that you’re disappointed but don’t let it be any more than that. Move on and focus on making it a nice day for your son.
I think you need to give him a lot of leeway at the moment. He has just agreed to uproot his kids to move in with you. That’s an enormous compromise and one that will be very hard for both him and the kids to make. His daughter will be very aware that she has a lot of “lasts” coming up: her last day with her friends at her old school, her last sleepovers with her friends, her last tournament with her soccer gang. It’s a huge sacrifice she’s having to make, and she has no say in it. Do not underestimate how difficult this move is going to be for her. Your partner is doing the right thing taking her to her soccer tournament. If you don’t let him, she’ll resent you both for it and rightly so. Give them this time together.
Can you not just have two parties? Move the big party to Monday, even though your BF and his kids won’t make it, and have them come over the original party date for a low-key little special family party where you play games together and share a pizza or whatever. That’s the compromise in this situation.
I think it’s your sons birthday so him and his feelings should be the priority. So figure out what would be best for him and then do that. Your bf and his kids not being at the party isn’t really a big deal (unless it is to your son).
You could also float the request by your son – that you are thinking to change the date because of the rain but then [stepdad and kids] won’t be able to come, is he okay with that? Or would he prefer to have them there and not be able to have the bouncy castle? Only you know if this is an appropriate thing to ask your son or if it would be emotionally burdensome – if so then just make the call yourself and stop hemming and hawing; the only criteria for a kids birthday party is that the kid themselves has a great day. Nothing else matters. If you move it then you could do something else with bf and kids for your sons birthday, like a family dinner with a cake after and candles.
He can’t make it to the party if you move it, it’s as simple as that. He has prior obligations, which cannot reasonably be changed on such short notice.
That you are moving in this summer isn’t really relevant here. This is your son’s birthday party, it’s not about you moving in.
Thank you everyone. To be clear my initial reaction was that it sucks but it’s not a huge deal. This is the consequence of having to move the date. I just wanted to see if my initial reaction was normal lol sorry I’m divorced from a horrible marriage so I am relearning healthy expectations but also boundaries. I also think I may have different views on sports because they’re just so frequent. There are tournaments every month and I grew up being told that family always comes first and birthdays and holidays come around only once a year. I’m also learning that growing up I was taught a lot of ridiculous things lol
You’ve already laid out the exact reason you need to be understanding: it’s part of life.
And while it’s not part of your specific question, I *urge* you to work on your empathy before you and your boyfriend move in together and meld your families. Because right now you come off like a grown woman who is resentful of a preteen.
Be understanding and still have him come over with his kids on the original day and celebrate the birthday. Please understand that this can happen not just with blended families, but regular ones too. I have had to take one of my kids and my wife the other during important events. We just make sure that we do explain it to the kids, and still celebrate, but on a different day or weekend.
Try to have a housewarming party or just a barbeque for your friends and family after you move in. That will help, I would plan more intimate sittings with your family and friends in lower group numbers. This allows them to really get to know him. When I host parties, I seem to be always in the kitchen cooking and then cleaning up. When we have a dinner with another couple it is a lot more relaxed and less stressed.