So my DH (M45) and I (F41) have been married 19 years. We have three school aged children between 9-13yo. We are both successfully self employed.
I am 100% responsible for the house work and 90% for the children. We live in the country so it’s a 10 minute drive to the closest bus stop- our children need to driven about a lot. That’s just to give you a general picture of things.
Recently DH & I spent the night in a hotel, just the two of us, for his birthday. After dinner, I showered and put on lingerie, he glanced at me, and then ignored me and watched sport on his phone with AirPods in his ears until he fell asleep.
On the way home the next day I cried my heart out and we had a conversation- in a nutshell I told him it’s ok if he doesn’t want $ex anymore because he is too tired, but could he at least hold me for a few minutes in bed each night, and each morning before he gets up to go, just a 5-10 minute cuddle? I explained that my affection “bucket” is totally empty and I really need him to just reach out and give me this bit of love a couple of times a day. I was distraught and crying and really explained how much it means to me just to have those little pieces of connection in our busy lives. He agreed he would do that.
FYI I do all the cooking, washing, cleaning, I always ask how his day was, show an interest, approach him for hugs and kisses, make an effort to smile at him when I don’t feel like smiling, and I take care of all the children’s needs and our pets. He earns more than I do and is the main financial provider, but I earn a good income too, and contribute that way as well as the other things I do.
Fast forward to the next night at home, back into the chaos of family life, work, children, etc.
It’s bed time, he comes to bed, (I had already been asleep in bed for or an hour), he makes enough noise to wake the entire Northern Hemisphere so I wake up, then gets in bed and tosses and turns so the whole bed shakes, I’m really awake now, then he turns away with his back to me, gets as faraway to the edge of the bed on his side as he can, drops two absolutely putrid farts, and goes to sleep.
Next morning, ignores me, jumps out of bed and gets ready for work and leaves like I’m not even here.
I am completely gutted, and over it. I’m over begging for 5 minutes of affection and attention. I’ve had it.
He says he loves me and would choose me again if we were single right now, but this one thing has always been impossible for him, no matter how much I bed, cry, ask, plead, he just won’t do it. And when I approached him today in the late morning to ask “why, why won’t you just give me 5 minutes” he gave me an excuse about our pets annoying him last night, and that this morning he was worried about a big order he needed to process that wasn’t going to be ready on time.
It always an excuse. Am I asking too much, like, seriously? Because I just feel like a couple of hugs each day is such a tiny ask to make such a massive difference to my emotional well-being, and he just refuses time and time again. What can I do to get what I need?
TLDR long term partner who I do so much for, refuses to give me 10 minutes a day of hugs which I need in order to feel loved, I don’t know how to get what I need in this relationship.
7 comments
First, there is no reason why you are working and doing all the chores and childcare and he is doing nothing.
You are already a single parent. You are doing everything and not getting anything from your partner, no love, no support, no affection. You have already asked and he isn’t going to change. Do you want to stay like this or is it time to let him go?
See if he’ll go to counseling with you. He’s got something on his mind and you need to know what it is to move forward.
I am so sorry. You deserve to be loved, cherished, heard, and validated. There is nothing wrong with you-
The sad truth is there is nothing you can do to get what you need in the relationship. The person who cares the least, is the one with power.
He’s doing it because he can get away with it. His needs are being met so he feels no need to change. Love is as love does. You can look up “Avoidant Attachement Type” and see if it fits his personality- it may explain things but it doesn’t mean that you should accept that dynamic.
I think one of the most sobering questions when looking at a relationship is “What would you advise your children if they came to you in the situation you are in?”
You’re not asking too much- in fact, ask yourself what is he putting into your relationship? When you list things, the things that he’d still have to do (like work, take out trash, fix his kids’ bike, etc…) don’t count. What would he stop doing if you were gone?
My guess is that he’d have to start doing a lot more.
Not cool. You deserve more. And I think you’re doing too much. Just because he makes more doesn’t mean you should be left with all the housework. Maybe a trial separation would you do good. He’s clearly taking you for granted. You don’t need to accept this.
He doesn’t deserve you.
The two putrid farts sealed the deal for me.
What about a separation? You might be happier on your own, as you’re pretty much living that way right now. It’ll be one less person to take care of and give you a little time to focus on yourself and meditate on whether you can live the rest of your life with someone like that.
> I am 100% responsible for the house work and 90% for the children.
WHY??
You both work! How many hours do you work compared to him?
There is no excuse for him contributing only 10% of the work to the children he created with you.
>He says he loves me and would choose me again if we were single right now
And why wouldn’t he? You do all the domestic labour in the house, you bring in additional income, you’re practically single-handedly raising the kids tand the family, AND you give him lots of attention (smiling, hugs and kisses, taking an interest in his day), and it sounds like he has to do *nothing* in return to earn it.
>I don’t know how to get what I need in this relationship.
You can’t take something that someone isn’t wiling to give. It is not hard to show your partner some affection on a daily basis. The fact that you have asked for this and cried and begged for this and he STILL can’t give you 5 minutes of cuddles…I don’t think there’s anything more in your power to do.
I’m pretty sure I know what my advice is, but one last question before I give it: has this been a long-standing issue in your marriage, or was he an affectionate spouse to you earlier in the marriage?
I don’t know him and I already hate him.I know divorce is a serious decision,especially with kids involved.You definitely need to try counseling and really pour your all into fixing this as a couple.I have a really strong hunch he either won’t go or will half ass it based on this post.If that is the case you need to prepare to divorce this man because you don not need to grow old with this person.