Don’t play with a woman’s or man’s heart.
Don’t take them out, shower them with affection, have perfect dates, show them to your family, meet their family, talk about what you want in your future, and then fade with no explanation. And then just stop replying for no reason given. It hurts. So. Bad.
It hurts so much when it was months of happiness ripped from you… but slowly. When you really liked this person, and they just stop answering you. It all seemed perfect, that the abrupt disconnect felt… wrong… like how could this person do this to me… they aren’t the type to do this… do they really not care how this affects me?
This fucked my shit up. Never again. The second I feel a shift in energy, I’m never giving the benefit of the doubt.
I still wonder what happened. He went on vacation with his family, we were still talking and then he came back and apparently got very busy with work…. He would reply here and there, snap, and then one day…. Just stop.
If you aren’t interested anymore, then just say so. Just say you met someone else, you’re not ready, you’ve changed your mind… literally anything would be better than to just stop responding, leaving them confused. I’d rather be blocked than just watch as my messages get opened but no response. I can’t believe he would do this to me, it’s like I never knew him at all… how could someone be so loving and kind and generous and then just discard you this way. I just don’t want to believe it, but I learned a lesson… a hard one. Hope he sleeps well at night knowing what a fucked up, cowardly thing he did.
31 comments
Been there. I feel for you so much. I don’t know how some people can be so heartless. It’s not his fault if he lost feelings but atleast do the bare minimum and let the other person know. No matter how hard it is
I really feel for you. I’m in the same boat. A lot of us are. People are really mean. I’m sorry this happened to you. Stay strong. Gotta believe we heal from this.
This would be hilarious if the guy lost his phone and you going nuts over his disappearance.
But let’s assume for the sake of this post that you are indeed being deliberately ignored, I’m sorry this happens to you. It’s a problem in our dating culture.
It stinks. I’ve had it happened to me many times.
My deceased grandmother would call such behavior “ No manners “
I had this happen to me a few years ago. A young woman I was very close to all but cut me out. I would send texts, like we always had, waiting days and then weeks for a response. I find out nearly 3 months later from a friend that she was engaged and soon to be married and had told a bunch of other people before me. Pretty much ruined dating and relationships for me. I come here to read posts and comments. I agree its a very shitty thing to do. I can’t imagine just cutting someone out who is actually reaching out to you.
I’m currently on the exact same boat. Everything was going so great, things are getting serious and I thought a commited relationship is imminent.
Yet for no apparent reason she just goes ghost – on radio silence for three days. I know she’s not in some serious stuff because her social media is quite lively.
This made me question my self worth and brings back all the insecurities I worked so hard to overcome. And I’m pretty sure this is what’s also happening to you.
I know you’ve probably heard this a hundred times over, but if a person ghost you it shows more about their character than yours. Namely non-committal, flakiness, irresponsible, and inconsiderate.
Here’s a piece of wisdom I picked up from someone that will help the both of us : **find a partner that doesn’t make you seek relationship and dating advice.**
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I get where you’re coming from. Honestly, nothing like that has happened to me in the short-run. I gets more complicated in the long-run but that doesn’t mean it hurts any more or less.
Be strong, not all people are like that. Man or woman.
Don’t give up on the idea of real love, just know that some aren’t capable at all points in their life. I’ve been the bastard, I’ve been the simp. It is all about the when’s and where’s people meet each other. I know you’re hurting and I hope you recover and realize that you are worthwhile, there is someone who is looking for you. No lie.
I can’t say that I’m gonna stop this immediately but after this weekend I’ll stop being lax with women’s hearts
How old are you? Also fine let this turn you off to your future blessings because you are unable to recieve it with a full heart. Time to heal my child, sometimes we are betrayed by the ones closest to us. Doesnt mean we cant find new close ones. Good luck.
This happened to me. She had been in a long term relationship that was VERY ABUSIVE. I treated her like gold – the way a man should treat a lady. We were talking about getting married. We went on vacation in February, and then she slowly faded me. I found out on social media that she went back to her ex. It was stunning. A lot of people told me she led me on the whole time, and simply took what I gave her and did for her and redirected it towards her ex. If he was ever truly her ex – I suspect she was somewhat leading a double life to an extent. Of course when he spat on her and she left him again she came back into my life and acted like nothing happened. She said she had been clear with me and I had no right to be upset. I just left it at that to avoid a larger conflict, but I have text receipts saying all of these things. Honestly I’m a forgiving man and there does appear to be some degree of mental illness there. I’ve seen her not remember poignant things that happened, so it’s possible she doesn’t remember. Like once she got the guy she wanted the rest turned to dust. It’s also possible that she knows exactly what she’s doing. Who knows. Either way it ravaged me. And I realized what happened on day two of a new job. Great timing.
The silver lining is you didn’t end up with them, hard nonetheless.
This is the cycle of the avoidant attachment style.
As someone who has such a style, I can help you stop wondering what happened. Here is my take:
He is likely a highly ambitious/perfectionist/self sacrificing individual who works very hard at their job or in some other way works hard to put his life together and feel safe.
Avoidants feel safer when they are in control and know what to expect. Now, when an avoidant has done this for many months or years, there is a build up of needing to receive and show love because they put it on the back-burner for so long.
When they meet someone that opens up the flood gates and is easy to receive and give love to, they pull out all the stops. They shower them with affection and make them feel the most special person in the world, cause they are in that moment – they got past the avoidant’s wall.
In this moment, if the avoidant is not self aware of their cycle, they will genuinely believe that something magical is happening and that life is about to change.
A few months of that, and they go away for a trip, or get buried in work again and they have time to reflect on what’s actually happening.
Suddenly, there isn’t any more control. They aren’t doing their hobbies as much as they’d like; they aren’t working as much; they aren’t able to control their week like they used to.
This is scary. And now the relationship which used to have no expectations, requires time and commitment. This begins the pulling away, either slowly to regain control, or immediately to rip the band-aid off.
He sounds like he just isn’t self-aware or emotionally intelligent, and struggles with an avoidant attachment style.
If he’s anything like me, he now feels like absolute garbage. But he believes that he needs to do this to feel like himself again/feel safe again/feel control again.
He probably actually still feels something for you, hence avoidant “attachment”. There is still an unhealthy attachment. That’s why it’s a brutal rug pull, because if he messaged you and tried to talk it through then he “risks” escalating things again and losing control.
It’s called love bombing. Its terrible for both involved. I’ve done it before, we don’t mean to, it’s what happens when you walled yourself off for so long and someone comes along and makes it easy to love again. It’s cowardly in a way, I’m working on it.
Hope that helped in some way, sorry you had to go through it.
Incoming hugs… 3, 2, 1!
☺️
These people are fearful avoidants and detach from relationships when it gets to real out of fear of getting hurt. They need to work on themselves or they will be alone forever. It’s not you. It’s really hurtful I’ve been there.
I was going through this recently and finally started to feel better. I wasn’t even seeing the guy for that long but somehow fell head over heels for him (which is quite rare for me). The thing is, I felt secure the whole time. It was his consistency that really fooled me – with his time, effort, affection, and communication. Even now, I cannot pinpoint where things felt off because they never did! I was totally blindsided. He did have the courtesy to end things in person at the END of date (which was annoying because I wasted a whole hour and a half engaging in conversation, putting in effort, etc. when I didn’t have to). My hopes went up at the end of this date as well since it seemed to go well so his rejection was even more brutal than it could have been had he told me earlier on.
I’m definitely in a better place than I was a week ago. I’ve decided to start therapy because this experience really broke me and I want to get better at dealing with things like this. If that is also feasible for you, that’s great. If not, I hope you can spend time with your loved ones, let out your emotions freely, and slowly pick yourself back up again. Over time the pain will be less and you will heal, hang in there ❤️
Pfft, lol. I know people better that, most will not do this.
It’s a nice sentiment, but this is not the world we live in. Most people are afraid to be that forward. I think you’d be better off accepting that it’s like that.
Currently going through it. I’m so sorry, it really feels like they’re ripping your heart out of your chest.
I don’t understand how people can play with feelings like that. One day I hope we can both find the love we’re looking for and deserve, best of luck
Wow … yes this sucks!
Unfortunately the people that would listen to this advice most likely won’t be doing this to people.
Lack of empathy is a problem but I haven’t seen advice/criticism ever fix the problem.
> Don’t take them out, shower them with affection, have perfect dates, show them to your family, meet their family, talk about what you want in your future, and then fade with no explanation. And then just stop replying for no reason given. It hurts. So. Bad.
you’re preaching to the choir–the people who do these kinds of things know *exactly* what they’re doing and aren’t going to stop doing them just because you told them to
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope that you are doing ok
It sucks, a lot of us have been there and I’m sorry it happened to you.
The way to look at this is to realize that you got fooled by the act, but they revealed themselves. This is the shit character, weak, callous nature of the person you thought you knew.
But, now you know who they really are…someone so crappy they would just disappear without even regarding your feelings at all. Pure selfish, weak, ambivalence.
So, see them that way, and realize they are not the way you felt when things were good…that was just a drug you got high on for a while.
Its on him not on you. They can’t communicate and is cowardly . Theyre probably married or have some kind of issues. So you dodged a bullet. No need to find a rational as to why they left. Just let it go. Practice self compassion
Happened to me lately. I finally got the reason out but had to literally say I was about to call police as I am afraid she is not fine/something bad happened to her. Then she said her mother has an operation and she is not feeling like dating anymore (almost half year of relationship, we just met and spent two days and nights together).
>The second I feel a shift in energy, I’m never giving the benefit of the doubt.
BIG EMPHASIS ON THIS!!!!!!! I used to give everyoneeeeee the benefit of the doubt, especially since we’re all adults and have our separate lives and jobs and obligations, but any time I’ve felt a shift..I’ve never been wrong! Every. Single. Time. I’m an anxious person so I blamed it on that but it’s wild how our intuition is telling us something is up. My anxiety was a gut feeling. I know they say you shouldn’t carry your past heartbreaks and fears into a new connection, but the feeling of someone pulling away or changing their energy is undeniable.
Exactly a year ago, I went through the very same thing. It will take a lot for me to trust a man again. But through it, I learnt a lot about self-love and building secure attachment style. If it goes it was not meant for you.
have never dated idk what fun for date but im up for adventures just don’t get ur hopes up i have hangout in groups never on a 1and1 from start to finish, how do shut-in introverts date anyway?
Wowwwww i feel you. Ppl are okay to open up and be vulnerable and loving and all that but in a matter of seconds things can change. But at least he should’ve be clear about it like you said. Getting ghosted or faded is a cowards move. A decent person would’ve told you directly. He didn’t have a back bone. See it as he showed you his true colour. He’s a fickle person
Im reading more of the comments here and I’m so angry for u. Part of me wants u to send him a message about this and then block him LOL
This happens more than you think. Please take care of yourself.
Were we secretly dating the same dude? Literally the same thing just happened to me.
Once he got back from his family vacation things went south immediately and then *poof*. Obviously we had our shit to work on, as anyone does, but we had made some plans to work through it (individual therapy, patience and commitment through our growth, couples therapy if either one of us ever felt like breaking up or that things weren’t being resolved well enough on our own, etc).
Needless to say, those things didn’t happen (I went to therapy on my end but evidently my growth wasn’t satisfying the timeline of his needs). I’m sorry this happened to you. Codependent No More has been a really awesome audiobook for me during this break up to try to learn how to detach better! Best of wishes healing.
Try focusing on yourself for a while. The right person won’t leave you guessing.
How do I show this to her without show it it to her