I (55F) have been married to C (56M) for 21 years. We’ve been together for nearly 30. It’s always been one sided. I do nearly everything, despite working full time. He works 3 or so days a week, but 11 hour shifts. I’ve bought my own Christmas presents mostly (joint account) and he wraps them. He doesn’t even try whereas I find small gifts for him to make him laugh and to open. I cook, do all laundry, occasionally he will vacuum. He leaves things for me to clean up – chocolate bar wrappings, dirty crockery even though there is hot soapy water nearby. He then complains at the mess. I feel like a housemaid with benefits or his mother.
He has trouble sleeping and is constantly tired. I get that this makes people short tempered, but I’ve given him so many passes when he has screamed at me, thrown things, and generally been nasty. He’s always had a quick temper, whereas I’m the one who internalises anger. He also suffers from SAD where he struggles with the damp dull days. We’re moving into that time here in the U.K. I’ve become over the years quiet in that I haven’t felt the safe space to challenge.
I told him this week that I can’t go on. I’ve nothing left in the tank. I’m emotionally drained, have no emotional connection any more and probably haven’t for a long time. I’ve become a ghost – just going through the motions and saying I’m fine but I’ve discovered I’m far from it. He’s agreed to counselling but I do wonder if it’s better to just split. He’s ashamed I think of his behaviour. I had a bag packed when I told him I couldn’t go on in case he flew off the handle and I was scared how he was going to react. That was telling for me. In the event, he was actually loving.
Starting again scares me. I’ve been so alone, with no one to talk to. No space space to talk to the one person I should be able to talk to. I would rather be alone on my own than alone in a marriage. This is hell.
I’m going to see what counselling brings and I guess I should be open minded but I honestly think it’s not really going to do much. Too much water has gone under the bridge. Has anyone saved a marriage at this point? Should I be more open to a resolution? My worry is he’ll just revert back to type as time goes on.
The catalyst for this I think is our daughter (22) is now in a serious relationship and will move out at some point. I will be even more alone and I just can’t go on. Daughter and I work together but in different departments which he says makes him feel left out.
He has sleep apnea which is well controlled, and runs which helps him mentally. Daughter and C both run so I’ve left them to do it together so it’s their thing – dad and daughter time. I’m not a runner anyway. C has lots of back problems and is always complaining about pain and other issues.
Help. I’m so lost. If someone else came along and connected with me emotionally, I would struggle to stay in this marriage.
2 comments
> This is hell.
You’re right it is. He only works three days a week and expects you to serve him head to toe on top of being verbally abusive. Counseling will help you absolutely and maybe even couples counseling if he’s open to it.
It seems that it is time to separate. Rely on your friends to help you through. I would suggest that you save yourself the counseling money and just do it, but your spouse might need this to help him separate.
It might be easier to effect the separation gradually. For instance, perhaps you might start by moving out. I suggest trying an intentional community or commune, if there are any near your workplace, for the first year, if you’re nervous about being alone.
Starting again is naturally scary, but you can do it. It is misguided to think he is the “one person” in whom you should confide. It’s time to rely on your friends. If you don’t have them, start cultivating them, or relying on a communal living situation. Also, please keep in mind that you and your spouse might well become friends again after the separation.