Rather embarrassing but hope you insightful lot can help me figure this out as it still puzzles me.
I grew up playing with boys be it video games, playground, neighbor kids, you name it…mostly hung out with boys. Girls were boring in comparison (gossip and sit around dolls, make-up talk about boys) Guys did stuff and wouldn’t easily be offended, we were competitive and had the most fun! Thoughout the years I’ve been told several times I am considered “one of the boys” or I’m “a brother in the body of girl”.
Unfortunately I oftentimes cannot distinguish the difference between guys teasing as flirting because they are interested in me or teasing as a means to get to know if I’m thick or thin skinned. (Aka: deciding factor on if I would be friend-worthy) This has resulted in quite a bit of unintentional hurt and embarrassment.
I’d really love to be able to have a meaningful relationship but not constantly second guess things. Unless they are very direct/blatant I cannot compute. đ Plus, I hate that I have to even ask guys point blank sometimes due to this handicap. It’s awkward as heck!
Can you guys help share some wisdom on this matter?
TIA!!
26 comments
I’m not sure you can use only use the teasing as a way to gauge a guy attraction.
Like if he teases every one you can’t really say, if he doesn’t really tease people but clearly teases you then he is probably trying to get your attention (if it’s friendly).
You could try to go progressively, propose to see each other alone for some hobby/interest you share and see how things go if he accept.
I find it a bit funny because you seem to experience a regular issue for guys “is she sending a signal or is she just friendly?”
Are we 12?
If they ask you out, they find you attractive. If you find them attractive and they havenât made a move yet, ask them out. Then youâll know.
Ask “are you flirting with me?”
If they are and they’re willing to be open about it, you’re good to go.
If they aren’t, they should also say.
I was also a tomboy and I have the same problem. I am very good at making male friends, not so good at flirting.
Itâs so bad that I recently went on a 3rd date with someone that I met online and made the first physical move by grabbing his hand while walking down the street. He was pleasantly surprised. He stopped, looked at our hands, and kissed me right there. He said âI wasnât sure that you were interested in me, but Iâve been having such a good time that I was ok with just making a new friendâ. I have no easy, comfortable solutions to offer, but I definitely get it.
‘Not like the other girls’ trope in the year of our lord 2023? I’m similarly dude like in nature, but I think you’ll find that if you consider connecting with people in a way that isn’t based on your perception of their gender, you’ll have better results across the board.
I have a similar history and understand the struggle.
Teasing and g-rated light physical contact are not reliable ways to tell if a guy (or gal) is interested in you as a friend or interested romantically. These, like most of the âindicators of interestâ people mention in this forum, are literally just that: behaviors that people do when they are engaged/interested in another person for one of many potential reasons.
Some things that have been pretty reliable for me:
1. If he asks me to do something or go somewhere with him, I just ask: âlike as friends or as a date? either is fine, I just want to make sure weâre on the same page.â Itâs a little awkward, but there are no hurt feelings and the big benefit is that you know where you stand right away.
2. He gives me a side hug instead of a real hug. A real hug can be platonic or romantic, but a side hug is always platonic. Itâs behavioral shorthand for âI have affection for you, but I want to make it absolutely clear that I do not think of you as a sexual being in any way.â
3. If he ducks a hug or side hug in favor of a high five, fist bump, or handshake, he is not interested AND he is nervous that you might be into him.
4. He calls you dude or bro.
There’s so much to unpack here. Setting aside the luggage, I think being direct/blatant yourself is your best way forward.
Your entire crew seems to be suffering from arrested development. If youâre in your 30s and all the guys youâre engaging with are still teasing you and pulling your pigtails to communicate (poorly and ambiguously) that they are interested in you, stop trying to date within your male friend group and try to connect with someone who hasnât trod on your head in a rugby scrum.
In general. The nerdy gamers will be nervous if they like you. They may stumble over words, act awkward, and you will have to take the lead. The competitive guys will take the lead more and try to win you over with confidence.
I think you need to break out of these gender stereotypes you have, theyâre pretty misogynistic, outdated, and based in traditional gender roles vice reality. I had lots of female friends growing up, as well as male friends, and we werenât focused on any of the things you noted. I hope you have female friends now, otherwise get out and find some as youâre missing out on one of the great joys of life.
I think once you break free of these stereotypes and see yourself as a full adult who isnât different from tons of other women it will be a lot easier to differentiate flirting from friendly banter.
If you learn the secret, let me know đ I’m 37 and I still have no clue đ¤ˇââď¸đ
>Plus, I hate that I have to even ask guys point blank sometimes due to this handicap. It’s awkward as heck!
My advice is to get over this awkwardness? Just ask, it’s a legitimate question and you want to establish what the relationship is. My advice would have been to ask the question in the first place, but you’re already doing it! So, keep on keeping on!
i feel like if you are one of the boys then in general you are not a romantic option. And just want to point out that you like guys because there’s no drama, not easily offended, and girls talk about boys too much. well here you are obsessing over what guys are thinking about and there seems to be some drama in you trying to date your friends
Personally as a guy, I am attracted to most girls I am friends with, but I don’t initiate wanting to date with anyone (and haven’t in years, different problem).
In other words, they could be both friendly and attracted to you. But at our age, they should be direct with anyone they want to actually date.
If people can only pick on you to flirt, I think you should also consider they might be “negging” you. It might point towards a potential abusive relationship.
Make some solid female friends to help you figure it out.
Yeah itâs tough being friends with the opposite gender since one can easily misjudge a lot of small situations like those & can take it differently from what it really is. Iâd say just keep playing along as âone of the boysâ since thatâs how most boys get along anyway but if youâre certain that somethings are off and notice the energy is different with you then lay low and be a little distant until the word comes out
All guys are always interested. No woman is ever interested.
> teasing as a means to get to know if I’m thick or thin skinned. (Aka: deciding factor on if I would be friend-worthy)
Lol wut?
>I hate that I have to even ask guys point blank sometimes due to this handicap. It’s awkward as heck!
You know who doesn’t hate it? The guys. Coming out and being blunt puts you miles ahead of the vast majority of women who screw around pretending that hinting is a method of communication.
People who like tomboys would probably appreciate being direct because it’s a tomboy quality. To be honest, they’re probably having the exact same problem.
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In society today â I think itâs so easy for a woman to be extremely forward once or twice â that if you get a bad reaction â you can laugh it off like it was nothing.
Forward as in â âoh you must be falling in love with meâ â- or âyou must want to date me so badlyâ
Not forward as in rape or feeling someone up.
Just a thought.
Hereâs a different POV. Who are you attracted to? How about focus on the guys youâre actually attracted to/see true potential in. Surely thatâs a smaller percentage of all your guy friends? If you like them, then talk about it. If not, it doesnât have to be weird. Unless the guy actually makes a move and you have to shut them downâwhich is a little awkward, but par for the course when youâre a âguys girl!!â.
Itâs not that complicated, or rather itâs the same amount as complicated as for all of us (guys, gals, nb, guyâs gal, galâs guys, and everything alike)
> guys teasing as flirting because they are interested in me or teasing as a means to get to know if I’m thick or thin skinned. (Aka: deciding factor on if I would be friend-worthy).
These are the same thing.
>or teasing as a means to get to know if I’m thick or thin skinned. (Aka: deciding factor on if I would be friend-worthy)
First off, I’m sorry but *yikes.*
Secondly, you shouldn’t be ashamed of asking men straight up if they’re romantically interested in you. Vulnerability is awkward, it’s part of the process, not a bug but a feature; you can’t really work around it, you *have to embrace it.* If they’re really interested, they won’t be off-put by the bluntness, they’ll be too busy appreciating the authenticity and assertiveness of what you’re asking! And if they’re not interested, they’ll at the very least be flattered. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling them what you’ve told us, that because you’ve grown up a tomboy, sometimes you don’t have the best time recognising romantic cues from men. It’s not an embarrassing thing to hear and a pretty easy thing to understand.
Part of being an adult is learning to diversify your communication style and this is something I would wager you’re already doing everyday (the way we speak to our boss or our work colleagues is different to the way we speak to the grocery store clerk or the bus driver, and different again to the way we speak to our parents or family etc.). So in saying that, maybe try widening your approach instead of relying on them to set the pace? Decide what you want ahead of the encounter and influence the tone to gauge what they’re feeling. If you’re in a situation where maybe the feeling of wanting more sneaks up on you but you’re not sure if he maybe switched up the vibe on you two or three topics ago, don’t be afraid to be adventurous or playful. Relationship building in any capacity is not a risk-free venture so learn to lean into and quickly recover from embarrassment as opposed to trying to safeguard yourself from it because the latter is just not realistic.
If you’re constantly second-guessing things and have no idea how to tell friendly behavior from flirty behavior, if you need the other person to be more direct for you to see anything…
… then you’re definitely one of us boys. That’s how we feel all the time! đ