Long story short I have brain surgery and lost my half my vision in each eye. I was 100% fine for the first 5 years of our relationship and this last year and a half has been the driving issue.
When I woke up from everything I was already worried it would be a deal breaker that I couldn’t ever drive again. I got really depressed and upset because I felt like I would be a useless husband/dad one day that wouldn’t be able to drive our kids to something or help her out by picking her up from somewhere. I struggled a lot. I still do! Its hard not driving. I use to help friends and family all the time with just general handy work and I loved doing that more than anything but now no one calls me because they would need to pick me up or Id have to Uber and so they don’t want to bother.
These are things I talked her my GF about and she always reminded me that it really doesn’t bother her. I really only expressed my fears with her for the first few months and then just have kept them to myself.
During this last year I have been trying to wrap up my degree and find a remote job once I get done. I work everyday. While it is with my mom (easy ride there and back) at least I am working. So im not a total bum or anything. Everything is much harder to do now with the vision loss but I’ve adapted the best I can. I really am trying.
My GF and I go on dates still and hangout and everything was going well until last week when she told me that she needed to talk. So after church we went to get some lunch and talked in the car. She told me about how she “needs” me to drive again. She doesn’t want my mom driving me around anymore and she wants me to drive myself to her house when we hangout. She wants me to pick her up and drive her places again. Then she started crying and asking me what would we do when we had kids. Who would help her, who would drive her to and home from the hospital, who would run to the store when she got sick and needed something. These are all things that when I lay alone at night I think about. “How am I going to……… when we……….” All a log of logistical things that I just assumed would work themselves out. She was very upset and said that the week before she thought about breaking up with me but said it would hurt her too much because she loves me and can’t even imagine being with anyone else. That was a nice thing to hear i guess but damn, hard to over look the break up part.
My big issue is one I am hurt because I’ve shopping for engagement rings these last 6 months planning on purposing next spring/ summer after we both graduate college. Now I have no idea. Shes told me a few more times that she was just upset and the emotions of everything got to her that day BUT that she would still need me to drive. She told me I need to get a Tesla or something with sensors to help me drive. I can drive but I really shouldn’t. Its a hazard to me and everyone else on the road. I would always need someone in the car with me to warm me if someone pulled out on the right side or if i was yielding to traffic i mean the list goes on. Its just not a smart idea. Busy streets are a NO. I can 100% drive down the street to the Walmart or Walgreens but those are within 5 minutes of me and I have only done it twice. Its also illegal for me to drive in all 50 states so if this whole driving this really is a deal breaker I don’t know what to do. I still have a valid drivers license though
We have both only been with one another and haven’t dated anyone else.
I know I’m asking a lot of someone to be the sole driver for the rest of our lives but until cars drive themselves 100% but I can’t imagine throwing away everything we have if the roles were reversed.
How do I navigate a relationship that may already be over if she has decided that its a deal breaker that I can not drive?
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29 comments
You have to breakup with her I’m afraid. She is demanding that you put all road users lives at risk for her own selfish needs.
It isn’t your fault you can’t drive and why can’t she drive?
What part of you’re legally and medically unable to drive does she not understand? She may as well be asking someone in a wheelchair to just get up and go on hikes with her. Sorry, it sucks that she is intolerant of your medical issues. She’s not the one for you if she doesn’t get that this isn’t a choice for you.
This is tough and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, but I can’t see how this relationship is gonna work. She literally wants you to endanger yourself and everyone around you on the road because she “needs you to drive”. She wants you to RISK LIVES because she can’t deal with the fact driving is off the table for you. She is being incredibly selfish and unreasonable.
Driving to me doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. My partner drives but I have severe car sickness, so when we are together I 100% drive. You cannot safely drive and shouldn’t be pressured into doing that. Anyone who would put their own convenience over your safety isn’t really a good person. Also, why does she have a problem with your mother giving you rides? That doesn’t effect her in the least bit.
Ask yourself if the roles were reversed would you have a problem with it? I suspect it wouldn’t be, so why is it a problem for her? Something has changed with her and I’m not sure how to save it. Talk to her openly and see why she has a sudden change of heart , go from there.
I think you BOTH need therapy. You, specifically for the grief and loss you are feeling over the loss of your independence. She needs it to figure out if she is ready/willing/able to commit to someone with a lifelong disability that will require care and responsibility from her. Finally, if you both are committed to this relationship in the long term, you should get couples counseling to help navigate the future and build better communication skills.
EDIT to include: Depending on your insurance, you can look into programs that help with transportation to medical appointments and personal shopping (like grocery/personal hygiene). There are also state funded programs for those with disabilities in some states.
It’s bizarre that she’s even willing to try to ask / convince you to drive. She should be looking for other avenues.
I don’t think she is going to be able to commit to you and this problem. You deserve someone who accepts you for your disability, she does not seem like she’s able to. I don’t blame her, but I also don’t blame you. You did nothing wrong but she’s trying to cope with the fact that yalls dynamic is now forever changed – that’s a lot to take in. Give it some time and then talk about it more, but this may be a dealbreaker for her
You can’t legally drive. Her asking you to do that is….bizarre and inappropriate.
You can however use an Uber, taxi, or public transport. You two could go live somewhere that public transport is readily available where many people don’t even own cars.
I know that it’s a limiting disability but there are people who manage all the time.
Tell her that if she needs a partner who can drive, then unfortunately, the two of you need to end the relationship. This isn’t a question of you not being willing to or wanting to put in the work. You physically can’t, and self-driving technology is not at a point where you can just let the car do its thing without ever needing to intervene. If she can’t accept that what she’s asking is literally not possible and come up with alternative solutions from there (do you not have Instacart or other delivery services where you live, if she’s sick and can’t go to the store?), then as much as it pains you, you’re going to have to let her go.
OP, I am sorry you’re in this situation and going through what you are, but please do not drive. If you get into an accident and hurt someone you can go to prison for driving while medically unable to do so safely. What she is asking is unreasonable and jeopardizes your life and those around you. (I have a family member who just underwent brain surgery and the doctor went through this with us in great depth.)
She is being incredibly selfish and manipulative. Twisting your insecurities because she had a vision of you driving her around on dates and to the hospital when you had kids? But she hasn’t stopped to think that you driving her to the hospital is literally the most risky possible situation she could put the entire family in?
She needs to accept you for who you are now, and want a future with this version of you. If she’s hanging on to perfect world versions and “what could have been”, the relationship is going to continue to crack and breed resentment.
This isn’t someone being supportive of the massive changes going on in your life. This is someone upset because those changes have now inconvenienced her and she’s lost all perspective on the situation.
I get where she’s coming from in that it is/will be a lot of responsibility on her and her concerns about the future are valid, but that’s the reality of the situation. She seems unable to accept it.
If you truly love her and feel she loves you back then I recommend therapy to help you both accept that this is how it will be. She may just need reassurance that you’ll step up in other ways. She also may be focussing on the driving aspect as she’s scared for you and worried about losing you. People cope with situations like this differently and what they choose to focus on is rarely the actual issue. Therapy is the place for this.
I’m sorry for what you went through. It sounds life changing and traumatic. She watched you go through it though and this would have been life changing and traumatic in a different way for her.
If she’s not open to therapy I’d end it.
I’m sorry for what you have been and are still going through. Please let me assure you: driving is not a necessary part of life. My husband is perfectly healthy and has a license – but he gets extremely anxious when driving, so he just doesn’t. I am the sole driver for our family (with kid(s)). There is a very simple solution: public transport or biking (kids love both options!). The only obstacle was me going into labour – but we were lucky and had a visitor willing to drive us the first time around and we will manage the second time, too. You can always just ask neighbours to help out (I drove my neighbour to the hospital 3 times in the last years) or get an Uber for those special occasions.
BUT it took me years to really accept that. Before we had kids I was thinking exactly the same things you and your gf are thinking “what if it will be only on me for the rest of our lives?”. Still… she shouldn’t ask you to drive, because it’s absolutely illegal for you to do so and you would be endangering yourself and others. Give her time to adjust, but don’t give in to her demand.
I think just for you personally you should move to a city where you don’t need to drive.
We live in the age of Walmart delivery/doordash/Uber/Lyft/Task Rabbit/Point PickUp/Instacart… need I go on with this list?
No.
Your girlfriend is being incredibly selfish and ridiculous.
I’m so sorry that she is behaving this way, but she has no right to make you feel bad about something that you have no control over.
OP- DO NOT DRIVE! You know it’s dangerous and illegal- you’ve done it anyway?! Stop.
Imagine you drive one more time and hit and kill someone? Or a family of someones…? Or YOURSELF?!
Come on now!
I understand that this must be devastating to you. It’s sad that I don’t even know you and feel this way, and the person you share your life and time with is pressuring you to drive when it’s dangerous and illegal, and knowing that it makes you feel sad and i adequate.
She needs to grow up and realize the world is bigger than her.
Here’s the thing man, sounds like you 100% aren’t going to be driving anytime soon and sounds like she’s gonna be 100% not okay with that.
Unfortunate circumstances, you can’t drive through no fault of your own and she also has the right to decide that that’s a deal breaker for her. It’s no one’s fault but if you have told her it is unsafe for you to drive she really shouldn’t be pushing the issue. Imagine she convinces you to drive to Wingstop and you flip the car and kill both of you.
Only thing i can suggest is moving to somewhere like NYC where driving is unnecessary
So you legally aren’t allowed to drive. Is she really that dumb that she doesn’t get that?? You get into an accident and they realize you’re not allowed to drive guess who gets sued??
And the Tesla self drive otpion isn’t even safe.
Unfortunately this is not the girl for you. I get that it can be inconvenient but you literally have no choice. There is someone out there for you. Plenty of blind people are in happy healthy relationships. Your gf has shown that she is not the one.
Your girlfriend is revealing an awful personality trait. I’ve found a lot of people can show nasty personality traits when things get rough. If someone was really dedicated they could make it work with those limitations. She said she would but proved to not be able to handle it. It’s clear if you stay with her she’s going to coerce you into driving which is attrocious when you think about how serious car accidents are.
So I have diminishing eyesight although I can still drive atm, it might not always be the case in the future and it’s a hassle. I’ve had some surgery on my eyes which has caused me to be unable to drive for months on end whilst recovering. I absolutely blows and you always feel very dependent on others.
That said, my partner had absolutely no issue with driving me around or picking me up here and there when needed. And I know should it come to the point that I can never again, he will know it’s not my fault, nothing I can do about it and share dumb luck that made the situation like that.
Your gf is very selfish and she has her license herself right? If not she doesn’t have a leg to stand on here.
You can’t drive anymore. Yes it sucks but she can’t demand you to. It’s like asking someone in a wheelchair to just run because it’s more convenient for her.
Have a chat with a councilor, you separate for your loss of sight and together to get some prospective and ideas on how to best handle this, some options for the future and to adress her (in my opinion ridiculous) concerns
You are both going through some huge changes, and while they of course affect you more directly, we have to think about our loved ones as well. Obviously she’s being irrational saying you need to drive. But the core of her concerns are valid and it sounds like she is overwhelmed thinking about the future. You say yourself that you just assumed some of these issues would work themselves out. It may be time to look at resources. Is there subsidized transit for people with disabilities in your area? Public transit system? If your community doesn’t have these things, is there somewhere you can relocate that would? Can you walk places? Do you need a guide dog or cane? How independent are you with non-driving tasks (cooking, cleaning, etc)? Make it clear thay while you can never drive, that doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of being a good partner.
When my boyfriend lost movement in both of his thumbs for about half a year, I had to do EVERYTHING for him. It was like taking care of a child. But you know what? I did it for him every day without much complaint.
For anyone interested as to how he lost movement in both of his thumbs, he was trying to change the light out in an outdoor fan on our porch. We were consulting the guidebook on how to open the glass casing containing the light bulb. When he did as the guidebook said, which was push up, twist, and pull, the glass casing shatterd in his hands, his hands continued to go up as he was performing the push action, and the glass cut into the crook of his thumb and hand on both hands, severing the tendons and cutting down to the bone. It was gnarly af. I wasn’t even the one injured, and the amount of blood about had me on the floor. Anyway-
I’m talking about bathing him, feeding him, wipong his butt for him when he had to go use the toilet, clothing him, EVERYTHING a human needs to do with their hands, I had to do it for him. Both of his arms from the tips of his fingers down to his elbows were encased in soft casts to keep his thumbs stable after the reattatchment surgery, so he couldn’t get it wet or dirty at ALL.
I’m not going to lie. There were some days when I felt extremely overwhelmed by it. But what I was feeling came nowhere near close to what he was feeling, no longer having use of his thumbs and relying on another person just to do basic things in daily life.
And it was a hill to get over with physical rehab both at the facility and at home.
To this day, his movement in his thumbs still isn’t 100%, and he still needs help sometimes, but it is what it is.
I can’t say this for everyone, obviously, but my personal belief and goals in a relationship is that the end goal is marriage, growing old together, and loving each other unconditionally the whole time. When you enter a partnership, you are not just responsible for yourself, and if you’re not ready to take care of your partner and understand their hardships when life decides to throw a shit-crusted fast ball at you both, then you’re not ready for a psrtnership, period.
“In sickness and in health.” I have taken these words to heart, I’m so sorry to see your partner hasn’t. I hope she gets her head out of her ass and grows tf up.
When you can’t drive, you need to adapt your life and plan for your transportation needs.
I have a friend who doesn’t drive by choice. She lives in a city with a public transportation system and budgets/plans for bus passes and taxi/Uber costs when needed. She chooses her home location based on the bus routes to her frequented location (work and family and stores).
I have a friend who can’t drive due to vision issues. She lives in a small town in walking distance to what she needs and her husband drives when they go out of town.
You need to create your plan with your girlfriend. What will life look like with kids? Living together? What will your independent mobility plan look like safely? How will your girlfriend support your independent mobility and when will she drive?
How will you run to the grocery store when she’s sick? You call an Uber and go. Or hop a city bus. Or coordinate the drop off by a best friend. Or DoorDash from the pharmacy. You don’t have to physically go in order to provide what she needs. Just a couple things? Ride your bike or walk.
How will you get kids to their activities? You’ll get a taxi or a bus with the kid. Or your wife will be in charge of all pick ups while you’re in charge of making supper to be ready when wife and kids get home from the pick up. You’ll choose activities in your neighborhood and you’ll walk the kids home. Or you’ll end up having to tell your kid they can’t do an activity because the pick up time doesn’t work for wife. My husband and I are a two parent two driver house and we have to do that same thing still. Or you’ll make parent friends who can carpool your kids to and from the activity, return the favor in ways you can like gas money or date night babysitting for them.
The good news is that if your girlfriend thinks you can afford a Tesla and the insurance, then you can absolutely afford daily taxi/Uber costs.
You also need to start utilizing independent transportation yourself now. Your friends don’t call you anymore, either they were never good friends and you need new ones, or you overused their generosity by expecting too many rides. Call and invite them to go out, and tell them you’ll get yourself to the location yourself and pay a ride or walk.
Your girlfriend is also going to need to start accepting help from your community, like your mom willing to drive you to work. Unless your mom is resentful, keep using the help offered.
What does she think single people do when they’re sick? It sounds like she hasn’t experienced adult life single due to the length of your relationship. She also sounds pretty selfish and immature. I think it would be a mistake to propose to her at this time. She is nowhere near mature or empathetic enough to be married.
OP, there are Blind spouses and parents who live very full lives.
If you want to be together, you both just need to learn new skills and put together additional resources so you have a little more independence. Have you been to a local association of the blind? You may not think of yourself as blind, but there are organizations and members of the blind community who can show you all kinds of tips and tricks that may help you.
If you kill someone because you were driving when you know you should be, that is murder. Tell you cannot risk that and won’t accept her suggesting that you should. Don’t try it again without getting medically and legally cleared. You honestly are risking people’s lives.
You can offer ways to compensate for your disability. Move to the city where there is public transit. Take her on date in ubers, etc. Show here that you are damn near fully functional in society.
Don’t propose until this issue is long gone. Like years in the past. She might be using this as a wedge to break up.
Your girl is not down for you. She’s selfish. Leave her ass. End of story.
You need a woman that’s willing to ride or die. She wants you to drive and die.
Listen I lost my license in 2018 because I was driving to the hospital after being raped while still intoxicated from the night before and was pulled over, arrested and license suspended. My license is still held up in legalities and fines. My partner met me after this had happened. He drives me EVERYWHERE, no matter how far out of the way it is. Im sure it’s way more of a pain in the neck for him than he lets on. But we are partners, we love each other. This is what partners do for each other. They pick up our slack when our hands are full, they lighten our loads. It seems really unfair and selfish that she is unwilling to meet you where you are at, *especially* when you are dealing with a medical issue. Story #2: my sister has seizures. She had one behind the wheel last year and totaled her car & her license was suspended. Her boyfriend picked her up & dropped her off, everywhere. He works morning and she works night. It was a total pain in the ass. Guess what, he did it tho. It strengthened their relationship. Life is hard and our job as partners is to stick by each other when it gets harder. This situation is totally out of your control & the fact that she is giving you an ultimatum on driving, which puts you and everyone on the road at risk, is selfish. I would just consider your losses, stop wasting each others time and move along. Someone out there will be happy to drive you without distributing guilt.
You have been thinking about these things a lot, and maybe the reality of your condition has just occurred to her and this is part of the coping process.
But these are real logistical issues that will happen, especially if you live somewhere that Uber or cabs aren’t an option. The two of you could consider moving to a city, where public transit and easy access to cabs make not driving much less of a problem.
You can also stay and have your mom drive you around, but it will hurt your independence. There are lots of women who would be willing to drive you around, but that’s something that would need to be known up front, so you could find the right person. It’s sadly a gender norm that men typically drive. And given your mentioning Church and that the two of you are each others first and only partners, you likely come from a traditional/conservative community.
If your girlfriend continues to insist you drive, you need to leave her. It’s possible one day you may drive again if you choose. But you are medically unable to, and driving against medical advice because she is making an ultimatum is dangerous and wrong. You are both young and hopefully she is just mourning the life she thought she would have and accepting her new reality.
I went a ways down and didn’t see this response: could she just be transitioning out of the relationship? Obviously, I ask the universe this, not you. It sounds like you are from a religious background and not unheard of to date and marry young but sometimes thoughts of “I don’t know if we have grown together or apart or if I want something different or we are too young to be together and there is this eye issue that will be a thing to tackle….” comes out just as “the eye issue concerns me.” She says she loves you and I wager she does, it just flags for me that an issue you have had a while with solutions you mitigated for is now a dealbreaker.
So you had brain surgery and the thing she worry about is driving?
Has she got her own car? Did she drive to visit you in hospital? Why can’t she drive for dates?
She’s an AH, be glad you found out before proposing!
“So after church”
Wow, what a typical Christian. Go to church to worship skydaddy and then dumps her boyfriend because he can’t drive.