My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12. We’ve managed to raise a son of our own and his daughter from another relationship. Our son is now 17 and a senior, so we’re close to empty nesters.
Our entire relationship has been filled with ups and downs, probably more downs than the norm because he struggles with sharing his feelings and our communication is not always the best. Recently, it’s been more up, but only after him confessing a year and a half ago that he’d had an affair – with someone I knew, acquaintance with mutual friends, which made it incredibly embarrassing on top of being just plain devastating. He apologized, cried, said he’d never hurt me like that again.
Well. Here we are, and I did some snooping on his cell phone activity. Trust, but verify, right? Turns out he’s been talking to that same woman again for the last four months. I don’t know that he’s sleeping with her again, but I’d be stupid to think otherwise. And just the fact that he would do this to me again tells me he doesn’t respect me.
I don’t know how to proceed. I want to confront him, but he’s very good at turning things around on me and making me feel like I’m the asshole for snooping. Also, I don’t know if our relationship can survive this, or even if I want it to. I’m 45 and the thought of being single is lowkey kind of terrifying.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
25 comments
Fuck his worries about snooping, i never understand that issue, he broke your trust and disrespected you. You deserve better.
Take copies of the current evidence you have available.
Go talk to a divorce attorney – they will give you a rundown of best practice, listen to what they have to say and follow it.
At 45, you still have options so i wouldnt worry about being single, but you dont want to be in a relationship where he has zero respect for you. He isnt just cheating on you, he is cheating on the family, this is a breach of trust for everyone. Fuck him 🙂
Wisdom
You let someone treat you like crap they will. You continue to do so the more they will crap on you.
Want something to change? Change it!
He doesnt repsect you! You dont respect yourself!
45 years old is too old to allow someone to treat you so poorly and then let him blame you for it.
OP, now you know he’s never not going to cheat on you. I think you’ll have to decide which is worse-a husband who is cheating or being on your own. Personally, I don’t think being on your own at any age is a terrible thing, but I know not everyone feels the same. Some other thoughts-this is the same woman he already cheated with? What happens if he decides to leave you for her in a few more years like when you are 50 instead of 45? If you won’t leave him, you could also confront him and tell him since he’s living in an open marriage, you’ve decided to do the same so you’ll be out on a date the next Friday night. I’d pay money to see his face when you tell him that.
OP,
While you’re afraid of being alone, the key to remember is that if you choose to divorce, you WILL survive!
Decide what you want for yourself, which is probably he stops cheating and focuses on you, or you separate. The first option won’t work without therapy (individual and joint). If he’s not willing to put the effort in, then that’s your answer too, which is the second option – divorce.
As mentioned in an earlier response, visit a divorce lawyer. Sometimes you can get a free consultation. It’s less scary finding out what you can expect.
Since he likes to turn things on you, just keep to the facts if you choose to confront. (I.e., I just wanted you to know that I’ve checked your phone and saw that you’ve been talking with you’re affair partner again. I’m disappointed. I’ve already met with a divorce lawyer and I’ll be letting the kids know what’s happened in the past. I just wanted you to know.”
He can’t argue the past even if he tries to spin the talking again to the affair partner. If he tries, just say, “I’m not going to discuss it, you can explain it to the kids”.
It’s your decision what to do if he starts crying and begging again.
To be 45 and single and so scared of that fact that you’d put up with a cheating spouse. There aren’t any words of wisdom to give you if you’re deaf to them.
You have half of your life to live maybe more just something to contemplate. Will it be spent agonising over who your husband is cheating with next? Or will it be spent making the most of it.
You leave him.
He lost the right to privacy when he cheated. He hasn’t earned it back. That’s what you tell him when he brings up snooping
You have value by yourself! You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. This man does not.
You quietly go and hire an attorney. You file and serve him for infidelity. You do not warn him. My girlfriend warned her husband and he promptly withdrew all joint money, ran up the joint credit cards, and hid assets. She’ll get it back but has to take her divorce to trial. Luckily she didn’t need that money to pay bills.
Please protect yourself, your child, and your finances. This man is not who you want to model as a man for your son or a healthy relationship for either child.
Protect your options by at a minimum talking with a lawyer and having an exit strategy. There is no child custody issues at this point (which is likely why he’s re-engaged with the AP), therefore it’s about division of assets. Begin downloading dating apps to see what’s out there, no harm in window shopping before your shopping spree. You will always be worthy of love at any age.
I’d lawyer up, figure out what’s the best plan for you moving forward.
The thought of being 45, stuck with a cheater and possibly catching HIV/AIDS or an STD from him should be more terrifying …
If divorce is not in your options, then you can do what my parents did – live separately.
I would say that when your son leaves for college, assuming he is going away for college, that you follow suit and leave. Being single is better than being tied to a serial cheater. Spend this time getting your ducks in a row.
stop surviving! your husband sucks. you’re going to love being a single woman in your 40s, i promise. do not listen to all the negative bs about how your life is over at 33 or whatever. it’s not called the ‘fuck it 40s’ for nothing. you will care less about the bs than you did in your 20s and you’ll likely find much better companionship (AND SEX!).
the crying and the turning it around on you? that’s classic manipulator bs. now suddenly you’re consoling him for him hurting you, repeatedly, on purpose??
where do you go from here? directly to a lawyer, do not pass go, do not confront him. take your life back. stop surviving and start living.
You are never going to be able to trust him again. You are constantly going to be checking his phone or looking for signs he is lying. Why would you want to live like that?
Even if he isn’t cheating, his actions show you how much he respects you. Respect yourself more than he does and leave.
Talk to a lawyer, it’s better to be single than cheated on.
He cheated before, you stayed, he doesn’t think you will ever leave him.
Being married for 20 years, ensure you get 1/2 of his retirement too.
Here’s an interesting point a therapist said to me.
It isn’t about him. You already knows he cheats.
It’s about you.
The big question is why do you need proof of his infidelity? You obviously (and rightfully) don’t trust him.
You already have the information you are seeking. He’s a cheater, he is still involved with his affair partner. So just skip ahead and assume he is cheating and go from there.
Why would you stick around? Why do you need more proof?
Take screen shots, talk with an attorney and do as they say. Post all the screenshots on social media and tag them. Title – husband and so called friend fucking each other. So much for not hurting me again. Until they are held accountable they will Not care.
Not reason for to confront him. He said he would t do it again and is. Blow his reputation up and hers.
I left my husband at 56 best thing I ever did.
Why do you want to confront him? You’ve said
>he’s very good at turning things around on me
Do you think you’ll get any kind of result or closure out of it?.
Get your documents in order. See a lawyer. Find a place to stay where you can gather your thoughts. Pack up all your most valued items including photos and mementos.
Get everything arranged first. You must do all the arrangements before you say anything to him. Get all your important stuff out of the house first.
Have your showdown if you must, but don’t be surprised if it turns into a slanging match.
Good luck you deserve better.
Nothing can change until you decide so.
You cannot change or move him. You only control you, and your enough is your enough. Once you’re resolute, and decide to get off of the merry go round, then you absolutely will.
Only you have the answers. All you know with certainty is that he is not afraid to lose you, *because after the song and dance of last time, he’s back to his same behaviors.*
If you needed someone to confirm that you deserve a loving partner who you can trust, then I would like to tell you that you absolutely do.
I think the saying is “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” He’s shown you who he is. Either accept him as he is or reject him in hopes of finding something better. I’d always choose option #2 myself.
Where to go, well I would think a divorce lawyer would be a wonderful place to go right now. Doesn’t sound like you guys have done counseling or anything and if he’s not willing to do that there’s no way you’re going to ever trust him again so you might as well just cut the cord and get divorced. there are good men out there who don’t cheat. Get rid of this one and I’m sure you will find happiness with a new man in time.
What’s wrong with you? You’re gonna just sit there and take it? Shame on you
I was 45 when I ended a very bad marriage of 23 years. I’m now 51 and so happy that I made that decision! You deserve better and your life will improve once you’re free of the cheater. Good luck OP!
Which is worse? The thought of being single again, or the thought of staying married to a walking talking trash bag, who lies to you, cheats on you, and cares only for his own immediate gratification?