My girlfriend and I split up about two weeks ago. I was unhappy in the relationship as for the first 4 years of our relationship, whenever we would have an issue, it would always end in me apologizing whether I was right or wrong. She also always made it clear that I had a lot of things I needed to work on and that I was lucky to be with her. She would also drop comments like “you can’t do better than me” when she’d get upset. Essentially her feelings mattered and mine didn’t. Around year four I decided that this wasn’t sustainable and started to question the relationship. other than what I have mentioned was pretty good. We At least could make each-other laugh (although we could make each-other upset or hurt just as easily) her family loved me, my family loved her and we loved each-others family’s.
Anyway fast forward to year 5 and I’m seriously questioning whether or not we are good for each-other at this point. I’ve started to snap out of the “happy wife happy life” mindset and started to realize that the pattern of me always apologizing needed to end. I then developed a crush on a girl at work. I got confused for a long while. I really enjoyed working with this coworker and was attracted to her, but I always made sure that it was nothing more than a work friendship. I started to question the relationship more but I wanted the crush feelings to go away so I could judge my relationship objectively. I didn’t want to throw away 5 years over a crush and knew that the crush feelings were only there because of the problems in the relationship. Still I couldn’t help but wonder. Anyway, couple months go by and my girlfriend finds out I had a crush after snooping through my phone. (She found some Reddit posts and notes i wrote about it. She also found evidence that I was thinking of leaving). She talks to her friends and coworkers about it and the council determined that it was an emotional affair I had because the crush feelings seemed too strong. By this time the crush had found a new job and I’ve watched a bunch of videos on how we could repair our relationship, although part of me felt it was already doomed. I let my girlfriend know how sorry I am and how hurt she must feel and that I was in a bad headspace. We split and she tells me I need to work on myself.
Fast forward to present day, we’ve split up for about 2 weeks and she calls me and asks how I could do this to her. I apologize and acknowledge my wrong doings again and let her know that I’m starting therapy and think the only way we can move forward is through couples therapy. I also realize this can take a lot of time to heal from as learning about a partner having a crush is very hurtful. She wants me to acknowledge I had an emotional affair. She gets angry and starts saying hurtful things so I suggest we take some time to cool down and continue the conversation another time. She says I’m avoiding repercussions and deserve punishment for hurting her. She says she’s not sure if she wants to be with me but I would need to do a lot of work on myself like getting into better shape and making more money before it could ever happen again. Essentially she’s saying that I need to become a whole new person. She then says that our relationship was perfect and had no problems. I tell her that was her perspective but mine was different, although I felt the relationship had a lot of great qualities. I let her know that I feel we could fight more fair and be more respectful towards each-other. She says she’s never disrespected me ever. She says she treated me amazing and I’ll never find anyone like her.
I start noticing the pattern that has been there through our whole relationship is re-emerging. Essentially our relationship dynamic is that I need to take full responsibility and accountability at all times and she needs to take none. Of course the information she found out was hurtful, But I essentially need to kiss her feet and beg for her whenever she’s upset or hurt. I also need to endure her punishments. I start to realize we could probably get back together if I just accepted the dynamic of me being the only one who needs to take accountability and being the one whose wrong and needs to work on themselves. But I’m not sure that’s what I want. What I want is for us to both go to individual therapy and couples therapy and see if we can try again and have a healthier more fulfilling relationship.
There are a lot more details but this is jist. I guess i just want to hear some outside perspectives on what others think about this situation. I love her but sometimes She’s a bit abusive. I’m really not sure what to make of all of this..
TLDR: my girlfriend is abusive and found out about a crush that I had after snooping through my phone. Her friends and family considered it an emotional affair and now I must pay.. just want to hear some thoughts/outside perspectives because Im not sure if we can fix this
Edit: to make things clear the crush had no idea that I had a crush on her and we didn’t not have anything more than a work friendship
2 comments
>sometimes She’s a bit abusive
She’s not a bit abusive, she’s a lot abusive.
I know this is the simplistic view of an outsider but you’ve got an out. She’s already ended it with you. This is your ticket to leave. Go and don’t look back.
If you get back together with her, she’s going to be 10x worse than she ever was before. She’s got this massive thing that she will hold over you for the rest of your relationship. And trust me, she’s going to use it. A lot.
Even if she agrees to go to couples therapy (she won’t because she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behaviour), she won’t listen to the therapist because she’s not capable of practicing any introspection. She legit thinks that the two of you had the perfect relationship before your “emotional affair”.
Good luck with whatever you decide but just try to remember that you deserve better than this and that being single is better than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. It might not seem like it right now but once it’s over and you’ve had time to decompress, you’ll realise just how much better you feel without this constant negativity in your life.
Maybe this will help you feel better, OP, but you’re about to escape an abusive relationship from a narcissist.
In friendships and dating/marrying narcissists, they use a host of tactics to get their way. This includes guilt trips, the “silent treatment”, yelling, and threatening. They can’t stand not getting their way, though, and it’s 1-4 weeks before they’ll come back at you to keep the cycle alive. You are seeing how she felt the silent treatment would get you to bend to her will and apologize. Previously, she would guilt you to manipulate you, but this time, she tried something different.
It is abusive, OP. The whole thing is her being nice, and once she traps you, she unmasks herself then becomes the person you described. The cycle trauma-bonds you to her, which is why you feel there’s something about yourself to fix and why you tolerate it. You have stated she thinks you’re fat and can’t do any better; this tells you she feels so sure you won’t walk away from her that she can say anything she wants and not care how it makes you feel.
She’s not a bit abusive, OP, she’s very abusive. Please break up with her, then go no contact. Narcissists have no power over you if you don’t give them attention.