The hypothetical situation is: She just gained a lot of weigh for no reason other being lazy about her eating habits and physical exercises, and refused to lose it or do anything about it.

27 comments

  1. I mean putting effort in oneself is important.
    What if they stopped brushing their teeth?
    I think its okay to end a relationship over lack of physical attraction.

    Though the couple should definitely talk about it beforehand and look for solutions.

  2. I am a woman and I understand it. People will say it is an asshole thing, but pyshical attraction is very important.

    If a person gains significant amount of weight (for non medical reasons) and let themselves go… and you arent attracted to them anymore, I think, first you try to do is to get them moving, do exercises together, sign up for group classes, if they refuse and it is getting worse… you can divorce them. You wont be happy being married to a person that doesn’t attract you and they deserve someone who loves them and finds them atrractive

  4. I’ll take my down votes. Public opinion doesn’t really matter at the end of the day, considering the facts it’s not their relationship, and people are allowed to leave one for their own reasons. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about their own well-being. If I became an alcoholic with no intention of changing I wouldn’t be surprised of my SO left me.

  5. I know this will sound controversial, but it’s also a health issue. If someone is unwilling to look after themselves, it’s placing eventual long-term strain on your partner. That’s what I keep in my head when working on losing my excess weight. The healthier I am, the longer I will have to spend with my partner, and she feels the same way. We both understand that we go through highs and lows (both emotionally and our pant sizes lol), but we are both working on ourselves for each other. Would I leave her if she gained 100lb? Of course not. But what I will do, is help understand what is going on to cause this, and help her regain her full potential.

  7. I would say it depends entirely on how important physical attraction is to you. As relationships have many many aspects to them it would depend entirely on the individuals involved.

  8. Unless it’s a medical issue that prevents them from losing weight then it’s very fair after all avenues for her to improve her health have been explored and attempted. It’s simple, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone that doesn’t want to take care of themselves.

  9. I am a female stuck in this same boat. My husband has had gastric sleeve TWICE ($10,000 each time) and still blew it both times. He knows how I feel about his weight (for both health reasons and attraction), but really makes no serious effort to fix it. I have tried to be nice, but it gets very frustrating. I handle myself, and work vety hard to stay in good shape. So, then he gets to be seen with a decent looking person by his side, but what do I get? At this point, I give up and I am just over it.

  10. If the issue has been raised, talked about, and even then, she refuses to do something about it, I’d say it’s fair.

    This is from my personal experience, with the roles reversed as I’m a big guy (178cm/5’10” and 120kg/264.5lb), my wife once let me know that if put on too much weight, she’d divorce me because she didn’t want to be married to a, and I quote “morbidly obese man that I won’t find sexually appealing”.
    It happened that due to the lockdowns during the pandemic last year, I gained weight, up to 132kg/291lb. Around july 2022, my wife talks with me and says that I need to drop some weight because of my own health, that she didn’t want to end up a widow and me leaving her alone to raise our daughter and that since I looked fat (I usually overweight, as much, people usually don’t guess I’m as heavy as I am because I don’t look obviously obese), she’s not finding me as attractive as before.
    So I remembered our talk about my weight when we got married, and did something about it. Nowadays I commute by bicycle to my job (because I can, it’s near enough to be feasible) am eating healthier, and not only dropped my weight back to my usual 120kg/264lb, I even managed to drop a couple lbs more, getting as low as 119kg/262lb, though I couldn’t maintain it.
    I’ve no doubt that if I had not addressed my weight issue when she raised it as an issue, she would have either actually divorced me or, worse, would’ve cheated on my with a more athletic guy. She’s an attractive woman, and keeps more or less fit because she’s a Registered Nurse, so she’s constantly walking back and forth in the hospital she works at.

  11. I married her for the rest of my life, in sickness and health.

    Being overweight has many causes and effects, but it is certainly an illness. I vowed that I would stay if she was ill.

    Now I know there are very valid arguments that being “happy” together is a primary reason for marriage, and intentionally making yourself I’ll goes against that.

    My argument is that obesity, like depression or cancer, has a cause. That no one wakes up one morning and says “I’m gonna get fat, and I’m gonna stay that way”

    I was overweight for years. Several of my family members are VERY obese. Like “put them on a TV show” fat. I was a chubby kid.

    There are so many factors that lead to obesity, and many of them are not choices. Genetics, nutrition, mental health, culture, financial status, etc… They all can be contributing factors in someone becoming obese.

    I was in this position. We both got fat. We both were unhappy that the other one was fat. We lost our desire for each other. So we talked openly and lost weight together.

    If she had said “I’m happy how I am”, I still would have lost weight. And I’d still be here. Because she’s my wife. Not my girlfriend, or the chick I’m banging this week. My wife.

    If marriage means so little to you that you can just walk away, then you probably should not be married anyway.

  13. Imo a marriage isn’t something you throw away over gaining weight and having a depressed outlook. That’s what therapy is for.

  14. I married my wife because she’s driven, hardworking, and awesome. After 2 kids, she gained a bit of weight but continues to be driven and works hard to get it off. Still beautiful. I see the effort she puts in. If I thought she was just letting it all go, I wouldn’t be attracted to her anymore.

  15. My wife has had a lot of weight swings as a result of medical issues (like 100-150 lbs). It’s never been a factor in my attraction towards her.

    I mean, 9 out of 10 times a question like this is just to get validation for what you’re thinking anyway. So, do what you’re going to do. But IMO, it’s antithetical to the wedding vows. The whole I idea is enjoying the good and enduring the bad. Welcome to the “for worse” and the “in sickness” parts.

  16. People can’t control attraction & depending on their relationship & fitness status when they met/married the amount of weight doesn’t matter. Each relationship is different & the OP is allowed to feel how he feels. One’s feelings should never be denied in a relationship.

  17. The amount definitely depends. If you’re divorcing your wife for something as little as 40 lbs +- then you probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. There’s so many things such as age, kids, job etc that affect our eating habits and weight

    But if it’s like 100+ lbs and they’re not even caring about it despite multiple talks i think it’s fair to have a final come to Jesus talk and then divorce if no change is made

  18. Recently had a conversation with my wife about our bedroom activities, and she gently told me that she wished that I would work as hard on myself as she does on herself. I took that as a loud and clear, and have been aggressively working out, eating right, and changing other habits since basically that moment.

    She wouldn’t divorce me, I don’t think. But me turning into a fat slob at 40 is disrespectful to her, as well as to myself and our kids. So I’m making the changes to be the kind of person I want to be. A healthy marriage is built on mutual respect.

  19. Have you communicated with her? Have you asked her what you can do to help her? Is she going through something?

    I think you need to somehow make an effort first to help as much as possible. Marriage is a commitment, you can’t just leave without trying.

    But if you’ve already done your part, then I guess it is reasonable to leave.

  20. Depends. on how much weight and for how long and what the refusal looks like.

    Morbidly obese is never good. If you are here or ever get here, it’s time for active management & intervention.

    Dipping your toes into the overweight category for a while due to stress, anxiety, small children, etc. is acceptable, but shouldn’t be permanent.

    Wife post pregnancy gets extra leeway. (And love and support)

    Your partner in life should be taking care of their body—and you should too. Hopefully you picked a partner with similar life and health goals.

  22. God,

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

    Courage to change the things I can.

    Wisdom to know the difference.

    Here’s the thing I’ve learned. There are some things you have no control over. Your wife’s weight is one of them. Staying in the marriage is something you do have control over. Be honest. Let her know that you’re at the end of your rope. Let her know that you’re at a point where you don’t know what to do anymore.

    If you are truly at the end of your rope… Then tell her. Tell her you can’t go on like this. you might want to do it with a therapist present… but your feelings are valid.

  23. I suspect, based on your comments here, that you haven’t had kids yet.

    Because when you do, it will wreak HAVOC on her body. Her sex drive will likely tank for two years after getting pregnant, she will likely take on a lot of weight, and many parts of her body will change to become less youthful-looking. Making and feeding babies takes a toll on a woman! Getting back into shape afterward not only is twice as hard with kids around, but it also doesn’t completely reset things either.

    Also note that many hormonal contraceptives cause significant weight gain. If she’s on the pill or on Nexplanon, she might be struggling to put into words why she feels the constant need to eat. Could also be a thyroid issue.

    The fact of the matter is that someday, she will gain weight. And if you divorce her, the next one will eventually do so too. No woman, as she ages, will keep up with the impossibly high standards of the women you see in ads, on shows, and in porn.

    So while I do advocate in communicating with her about her issue and identifying a root cause, you probably also need to take inventory on yourself and why you feel like you can’t be attracted to her. Love is a choice, not a spontaneous attraction.

  24. An alternative perspective that may not be OP’s situation but I hit menopause (or rather it hit me) lost all my hormones and as the result lost energy & gained weight. I went from working out double workouts 5 times a week to not being able to function normally. I gained 40lbs that I tried everything to lose- at one point I was running 8-10 miles a week which I did for 10 months with no results. Even went on ozempic and only lost 5 pounds in 5 months.

    Some women have this happens from hormones. Once I got my hormones rebalanced I started gaining energy back and am sl-ow-ly losing. I’m curious what age OP’s wife is but would like to send out a general plea to men to please try and be supportive and understanding during this massive change that all of us women go thru. It hits everyone differently and is difficult to deal with.

  25. A wise person once said to me that you can only control your own actions and disappointment only comes from having expectations. You really should reevaluate why you chose your spouse and do you really accept them for who they are. Human beings are fallable, imperfect, and prone to ups and downs in life. What is happening now is a blip in the grand scheme of the long term course of a relationship. This doesn’t sound like unconditional love if you’re willing to bail out over weight change. People evolve over time and it’s a proven fact that both men and women gain weight after marriage. There’s a psychosocial reason for this.

  26. My real question is, is she being lazy or is she just happy with who she is and doesn’t feel like she has to do those things any more and maybe that you’d love her just the same. In marriage, your partner isn’t always going to stay the same. That could be in mindset, looks, weight, ideals, morals. People change. Honestly is a matter of opinion hypothetically. If she was to think about a divorce because ever since she’s known you, you’ve had a full head of hair and all of a sudden it seems you balding. It’s getting worse over time, but you decide there’s no point in hiding it. You’ll just own being bald. Would she be wrong to hypothetically want a divorce?

    Also that’s without the argument being, well she can control her weight and you can’t stop balding. Because as we age change is inevitable.

  27. Depends what we’re calling a lot of weight, like 20lbs is a lot of weight to gain health wise but not divorce worthy but if she goes up to like 300lbs and needs you to help her do daily tasks that’s a whole other ball game

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