Long story short, my husband works LONG hours, like 8am-10pm some days. Typically when he gets home I’m asleep or on my way there as I cosleep with my toddler and it’s easier that way to fall asleep at the same time. However I have insomnia. So I’ll go to bed perfectly fine at 8:30/9 but then wake up several times throughout the night. I typically wake up at 3am for the longest stretch and am up for 3-4 hours cleaning or doing some work then I go back to sleep from like 6/7-8am.

Anyway, I have tried waking up my husband a few times to have sex during that time that I’m awake because we don’t get much alone time and only have time like every other week for sex. I haven’t tried really hard, as he’s a heavy sleeper but it’s at the risk of him getting mad. Since he works a lot of hours.

Anyway, would it bother you if you worked a lot of hours and your partner with insomnia woke you up at 3am for sex?

To add: we do cosleep with my toddler, but we have sex in the guest room so my husband would have to wake up and come into the other room. So it’s not easy like just rolling over. I would have to wake him up, literally ask if he wants to then he would have to get out of bed.

Edit: to those asking, I would just ask him but we literally never see each other. He works 6 days a week and I work on the 7th… so we maybe actually see each other an hour total each week…

Edit: everyone has different ideas on what is appropriate for children when it comes to sleep and sleep training. My toddler is only 16 months old, I’m not nursing a 3 year old to sleep. I’m also the only one that’s home 99% of the time, so getting him to sleep any other way has been a nightmare that I’ve been trying to accomplish for weeks. Enough with those comments please.

45 comments

  2. In your situation, I would say no, you shouldn’t. When I was young married and pre child, occasionally my wife and I would have wake-up middle of the night sex. With a child and long hours, it wouldn’t work for me.

  4. Can you wake him up and initiate first? Touch him etc? And then relocate? Might be more motivating and less annoying that way

  5. You’d have to ask him. Many tired men wouldn’t feel comfortable with random sex in the middle of the night

  7. This is a bigger issue than sex. How can a marriage survive on only seeing each other once a week for an hour? What’s the long term plan to improve this?

  8. Leave him alone to rest. You can have sex at a more conducive time than 3am in the morning when he’s fast asleep from a 12-hour work day. Will you be getting a job that brings in more money so perhaps he could work less brutal hours and maybe you guys might find more time for each other and sex?

  10. I can honestly say. I don’t care how tired I am. If I’m woken by my SO sucking or jacking me off. I have never been made or upset. And I’m normally more tired and go back to sleep immediately. I have a had a couple exes that loves to do that. My current wife wouldn’t dare, because she can’t start anything.. and as far as the kid. It’s personal preference for any parent. You mentioned they are a toddler, they need to be in their own bed not in yours. That’s creating a sleeping dependency. If they get up and come to you due to a bad dream that’s different. They need to start and end in their bed.

  12. Put the phone down and get to it.

    You should communicate about it first, but I’m willing to bet you’ll get the go ahead in the future.

  14. OMG yes. I love it when my wife initiaties as it makes me feel loved, and I am never too tired for lovin’.

  15. My Ex-Wife, and several Ex-Girlfriends, would ravage me while I was half asleep.

    I never complained!

  16. You would know if he wants that if you asked him. Sometimes it makes sense to ask Reddit for a perspective but in this case he can give a clear direct answer. I saw your edit about not seeing each other and you need to see each other or you’ll have the communication issues you mentioned.

  18. The only sensible solution to your question is to ask him.

    But we can talk a bit about what it is you can ask about, just to get a feel for the adventure, so to speak.

    The first distinction you need to make is if you can wake him up *for* sex or *with* sex. The latter, obviously, requires a more thorough consent talk to work out well.

    And then you want to talk about when. And maybe how. Times of the day when it’s okay. And so on.

    And for good measure, about if YOU welcome being woken up for sex or if you need one set of rules for you and one set of rules for him. (different rules are okay, as long as you both care for the rules as presented.)

    As far as I am concerned, what you are asking about is a sincere and good offer. And if he ain’t unusually sleep deprived, it should be a good idea. At least in theory. He could dislike the idea, of course.

  19. My husband worked a regular 9-to-5 job with no overtime and he STILL hated when his ex-wife would wake him up at 3 am for sex. He explicitly asked me not to do that to him. He preferred his sleep. And when they were married, he told HER he didn’t like it and would still wake up at 3am with her on top of him. He felt like it was really rapey and it was apparently one of the reasons he filed for divorce.

    Having said that.. some guys might like the midnight surprise. Ask your husband what HE prefers and then do what he wants.

  20. I think it really depends on your spouse. I have insomnia, too, and my husband tells me to wake him up for anything, including sex. He also works long hours. That being said, he can fall back asleep within seconds, so it’s really not a big deal to him.

    Texting might be the option if you really don’t have time together during waking hours. He can think about it and respond when he’s able to.

  21. Honestly a lot of men can perform best when they’re the most relaxed. That could mean waking at midnight and having that old fashioned feeling, or at first thing at 6 am (this is based on a 10 to 6 am sleep schedule).

    It wouldn’t hurt to try, just don’t take it personally if you catch him at a time he really is zonkered out and not receptive to it.

  22. Ask him. The men here don’t speak for your husband. Also, it’s time to get the toddler into their own space. Some of your time issues could be solved by putting them in their own space so you can put some kind of focus on your marriage.

  24. Ask your husband.

    My wife and I had a similar conversation early on in our relationship about this. If it fits a decent situation, maybe. She’s woken me up for sex a few times over the years on my off days and it was ok. 3am sex hits different and that’s great.

    The only downside I found was waking up to a horny wife after having a nightmare. That one was weird.

  26. Can you move the baby? Like do you have a bassinet you can move baby to and have quiet 3am sex so then he doesn’t have to get up?

  29. Since you guys dont see each other often, why not just ask him through text? Might not be better than an actual in person conversation but it’s better than nothing.

  30. Maybe ask him, I don’t understand people that come to reddit to ask questions about their spouses. We don’t know them you do. Shouldn’t You know them well enough to A. Be aware if this is something they want, or B. Feel comfortable enough in your relationship to have a conversation with him.

  31. Move the toddler to the guest room for a while and wake your hubby up with a bj. I guarantee he won’t mind. Good luck

  36. I don’t know him but I would guess it wouldn’t upset him if this happened on occasion. Every day might be a bit much but kind of like if he were to send you flowers on occasion. It would be a pleasant surprise.

  37. When we co-slept I would move the toddler to another bed with pillows around him. If your husband says it’s ok to wake him, I’d move the kid first, then foreplay in the bed he’s already in. Much higher chance of success. Afterwards, just move the kid back.

  38. This sounds like my hubby and I! I usually wake up 2 to 3x during the night and if it’s been awhile I’ll just blow him and use my vibrator at the same time 😅 if I want Intercourse I usually just see how he feels after a min or 2 of rubbing and kissing on him. I think you should try to initiate and/or just ask him! Goodluck OP 🌸

  40. I had kids back to back, and it was rough for a while, I had my regular job with long hours and crazy schedule 4-4-3 and then worked at home Depot overnight on my days off to make ends meet since my wife was home with the babies. The kids slept with her in the same room. I would sleep in the guest room when I came home in the morning. As tired as I was and running on fumes she would come into the room and ride me before I would fall asleep, sometimes would wake me, I never complained. She knew I was tired and did most of the work. She shouldn’t be mad, but I wouldn’t expect him to be very enthusiastic, you might have to do most of the work.

  42. For goodness sake, ask him. If it’s really soooo impossible to talk to him for five minutes, text him. You could inscribe your question on clay tablets in cuniform and leave them on the kitchen table if texting is just impossible.The lengths people will go to in order to avoid communication with their partners never ceases to amaze.

  44. Wake him up, Married, father of 3 who worked 10-12 hour days and co-slept with all children, sometimes the bathroom was where it happened.
    Get it in.

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