My now fiancé (boyfriend of almost 8 years) told me he cheated on me and kissed this girl 6 years ago
So my fiancé (26 M) and myself (26 F) have been together since 2016 when we were both 18. The first year of us dating was really rough. I was very emotionally immature, jealous, starting fights for no reason, etc. I was toxic. Come around summer time of 2017, he was telling me that his group of friends that he grew up with and lived in another state were coming to town. Specifically one of the girls would not stop texting him prior to her arrival. I got the vibe that she was trying to meddle in our relationship so I begged him to stop talking to her (again, very immature on my part). He wouldn’t. I was having a mental breakdown on the days she was there because she was inviting him to come to their mutual friends house and he said he was gonna go. Me being mentally unstable, thought I needed a psychiatric evaluation and called an inpatient clinic that I would be coming in. I ended up falling asleep and woke up to paramedics and firefighters and cops outside to take me in for an evaluation since I never showed up. My boyfriend came to the hospital with me. After that I was released same night and went back to his house to spend the night. I woke up at 2 am and he wasn’t in the bed with me. When I went outside his car wasn’t in the driveway so I walked around the corner where his friends were staying and the girl was and saw his car there. I called him and he came and tried lying saying he just went for a drive. He then confessed that he did go to hang out with them but that they were all together and he kissed her on the cheek goodbye. I eventually forgave him with the condition that he could not have contact with her anymore. She used to call him after the fact and call me psycho and ask him why he was still there it’s me. We moved out together 3 years ago and recently got engaged. I am not even remotely close to the person I was when I was 19.
A mutual friend of ours (who was part of the group that the girl was a part of) is getting married in December. He sent the save the dates last night. He asked me if we would be going because he was sure she would be there. I said no. Long story short, I pushed and pursued and pushed and was so bothered he even brought her up. I asked him if he considered was he did with her 6 years ago to be cheating. He said yes. That’s the first time he’s even admitted to cheating. I then asked what he did with her that night. He told me he kissed her. I waited for him to say “on the cheek” like he has all these years, but he didn’t. He then said on the lips and my heart sank.
We have been so happy for the last 6 years. We moved out together, have pets and are planning our wedding for March. As far as I know ge hasn’t had any contact with her. I’m so conflicted between letting it go because he says he was 19 and dumb or ending this relationship. Any advice appreciated. Please be nice. I’m in a really sensitive place. I’m happy to answer any questions for this to make more sense.
TL;DR: my now fiancé confessed to kissing a girl a year into our relationship. Don’t know if I should leave or stay. We are not engaged :/
18 comments
It clearly seems like he’s chosen you. The things you were going through were a lot and yeah, he totally betrayed your trust. He stopped talking to her for you because he even realized in that moment it was wrong.
It’s up to you how you want to proceed but from someone outside looking in, it seems like a pretty easy thing to forgive in a very chaotic time and very much old history.
You also said fiancé in the post but in the TLDR said not engaged, so not sure what’s going on there.
But I’d say youre both mid 20s, clearly enjoy each other now. Why throw it away for something you’re bigger than
That’s a tough situation. I would talk to a therapist together they would be better equipped for this than reddit. This is not one of the times you want to rush a break up and really take time to think things through more.
Hmm idk it’s a tough one. On the one had it was six years ago and a lot has changed since. But I’d want to know why he kissed her? Like you are home in his house after having a mental breakdown due to her, and he kisses her? And then lies for 6 years. It just seems mean, like I wouldn’t do that to a friend, let alone someone I’m in a relationship with.
You have to do whatever is best for you because only you know all the deeper facets to this.
That said, he may have kissed her years ago but has been lying to you ever since. He was lying to you all these years. Without losing sleep and while building a “better” relationship with you. So whatever you do, I urge you not to simply sweep it under a rug a pretend it’s ok.
As for the wedding, either you and him go together, or neither of you goes at all.
I bet they did more than kiss. That’s naive to think they only kissed. Go the wedding and check out how they behave around each other. Go get some couples therapy before you get married if you plan on staying together. Get some therapy for yourself if you’re the type to plummet so deeply when things involving your man send you to thinking you need inpatient treatment.
It sounds like you tried to weaponize your mental health to control him. You’re incredibly lucky he didn’t leave you.
My best friend and her first boyfriend had similar situations during our high school time. They were in a relationship and he cheated on her and they broke up. They became good friends again after university and the guy always said how he was immature, stupid and was a total a—hole. 5 years ago they decided to give each other another chance and eventually got married – and yes he’s changed a lot of course.
The most important part is who he is now instead of who he was years ago. I think deep down — you should know whether you can trust him.
For me, I could easily look past this
It comes down to whether you want to part from this relationship as it is now or not. Your bf and you both sound like you did shit that was toxic but it was also a while ago and now you both seem more mature than when you were kids lol. So now you have an honest partner who said something honest to you. What issue is happening rn?
I don’t blame you for being hurt: you say that you were emotionally immature and toxic at the time, but it sounds like he wasn’t exactly not part of the problem way back then either. Despite you saying you didn’t like how close he was being with this girl, he kept up the behavior and then lied to you about it. Did you make bad choices on how to approach the issue? Sure, but it also sounds like there was smoke to this fire and that was coming from him as well. I mean you now know that his relationship with this girl really was inappropriate, that your suspicions were based in some truth, and frankly you might not even know the whole truth of what they did that day either (he left while you were sleeping, he was still there at 2am, immediately lied to you about his wherabouts and only admitted when you caught him in a lie…but they only kissed on the lips?). And it took years for you to find out just that first bit of truth.
At the end of the day, it sounds like his act of lying to you feels like he removed agency from you, and you feel like that is betrayal. Would you have stayed with him had you known he did this? Based on your post, probably not. And he likely knew this and hid it from you to prevent you from making a fully informed decision about your relationship. For his own sake, not for yours.
I think you need to determine if this is a hard boundary for you and if he crossed it.
For many people, it can be very hard to trust again after it is broken, even if the betrayal happened years prior. Many revert to more controlling and paranoid behavior and it seems like with the progress you’ve made, you probably don’t want to go back to being that kind of person anymore.
Other people might say that if you let a cheater off once, they’re bound to do it again since you’ve shown them that there aren’t really any repercussions to them doing things like that. Are ultimatums something you can see in your relationship? Do you think one would be needed? Is that something worth maintaining long term in a brand new marriage? Can you both do this without reverting to toxic behavior?
And yet again for others, all the time spent in between is more important: if he’s shown you over the years that he really is someone who would never do this again, why be encumbered by the past? Are you confident that you would be able to let this go and never hold it against him? Has he shown you how he has changed and matured over the years? Do you believe he truly would never do this again? And if you don’t believe that, why?
At the end of the day, there’s a lot of ways to go about this, but frankly, I doubt any of them will be easy.
I think recognizing the hurdles ahead and whether or not you think it is worth weathering them for this guy is what you’ll need to focus on the most here. You’re allowed to be hurt, and you’re allowed to have your feelings change after something like this. You’re allowed to feel betrayed and as if part of your relationship was based on lies. All of those are true experiences for you. You just have to figure out if those feelings will prevent you from moving forward with this relationship in a healthy way and go from there.
I personally would end it, since I just know I wouldn’t be able to handle that kind of betrayal and not hold it against him in the long run. Like I too would be annoyed he brought her up again. It sounds like he forgot he wasnt honest with you about his cheating and then figured you were ready to forgive him for something he literally never told you the real truth about, for years….Which I find is pretty scummy. I’d find it very hard to move past someone willingly and knowingly lying to me about something like this for years while claiming they loved me. It might hurt now, but even the other party should also have a chance to find someone who will be able to shoulder that burden with them. It just couldn’t be me that’s all; staying together would just be misery for the both of us.
But there are plenty of people who do try and make it through. There’s even a whole subreddit here for that, and they’ll be the first to let you know how difficult it can be. But there are success stories and examples of what that recovery looks like. I think it’s called as one after infidelity or something like that, so it might be worth checking out if any of the stories there resonate with you.
Do y’all think I’m overreacting ? What if it happens again? Idk what I’d do. Idk if I could handle that.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I don’t have a lot of friends that aren’t intertwined in our world so I really don’t have anyone to talk to who can see it from a third party perspective
Uhhhh it sounds like you were correct to freak out?? You’re calling yourself immature but like what does being mature look like? Letting him get away with invalidating your CORRECT feelings about her?
Depends on you and how much you think this relationship is worth it. If it’s amazing otherwise, and he’s grown up since, it’s worth working through it. I don’t think your request that he doesn’t speak to her was immature, if you were getting malicious vibes from her. Is he now the kind of person that respects your request if you’re uncomfortable?
Also I don’t think you’re overreacting. He lied to you and of course it’s painful. He should understand that.
Don’t get married to someone who you care who they kissed when they were 19
Mm this is tough, but i would break up with him. Not really because he cheated, because things were fucked up back then, but because he did it while sneaking up after you were in the hospital. I know you weren’t really sick or something, but that just seems really uncaring and disrespectful.
+ asking your SO to cut someone off, someone who is crearly trying to get with him, is not inmature, is stating your boundaries. I know you took it too far with the jealousy (as u stated) and im glad you grew up, but dont let the whole “anti toxic narrative” fool you. You also have the right to feel the way you feel and to state your boundaries, the issue is how you communicate them.
I think you should break up with him. He cheated and no one is considering that even if it was 5 or 6 years ago, that he is a lying deceitful excuse of a man. Leave and find better.
It was years ago, it doesn’t mean much today so if I were you I’d just forget about it and get on with your wedding plans.
Congratulations!