30fm i don’t know how to deal with the distance
i 30f and my boyfriend 30m had been seeing each other for about 4 months when he was suddenly deployed for a year long assignment when he was initially supposed to separate in january 2024. we spoke before he deployed last month and we both agreed it made little sense to try to keep a relationship going since he was going to be away for a year and we haven’t been dating for that long, he just asked that if i got serious about someone else to give him a heads up.
problem is outside of the physical aspect of being together not much has changed. it still feels like we’re together, we text throughout the day and sneak in calls when we can (i guess the military has him on a really tight schedule with little free time). now he’s out on assignment and can’t have his phone with him (which i get, it’s for security reasons) and i am feeling so alone.
part of me is annoyed at myself for not making it a clean break. i really care for him, very deeply. and i know he loves me. we talked about everything, what we want in life, hopes and dreams, what our lives together might look like down the line. we align on so many things. that isn’t easy for me to give up on, but maybe going low or nc while he’s deployed is the smarter decision.
i guess im just feeling really lost and sad, grieving lost potential, maybe also confused. i’m not really sure how to move forward. it feels like no matter what i do its going to (emotionally) hurt.
what should i do? do i just throw away something i think is special because of something out of my partner’s control or should i stick it out and see what could be when he gets back? is there another option?
tl;dr boyfriend of a few months got deployed for a year and now i’m sad and don’t know how to move forward.
1 comment
That’s really hard. It sounds like you were starting something really good with someone who could be special when it was abruptly interrupted. And the open ended nature of it, the uncertainty, can feel uncomfortable.
It sounds like there’s a lot of potential there that you both were interested in exploring but it was timing and circumstances that interrupted you. Is there a definite time frame for when he’ll return and you’ll be in the same place to even make waiting this out a reasonable consideration?
Maybe you could turn your focus to just really living your life. Focus on your hobbies, your friends and family, goals you want to achieve, things you want to learn, making your home space a sanctuary or doing solo travel if that interests you and just leave yourself open to possibilities without expectations in terms of a relationship.
I wouldn’t necessarily give up on the possibility just because the uncertainty is uncomfortable if there’s a good chance in a year you could be together again.
But whether you continue with the limited communication or go NC it’s always a good idea to focus on yourself and your goals and dreams independent of any relationship whether it be this one or another one down the line.