My husband M(31) and I F(29). Have been together since high school (17,15) we have two kids. And have been married since 2013!

For the past couple years my husband hasn’t initiated sex. It is always me who initiate it. And if I don’t initiate sex he would go as long as he could without it.(probably months) As he says “it just not on my mind. There more to life than sex.” And this same man came to me about a 3some and told me he had a girl in mind and he had already talked to her.
I shut that down I immediately! I’m not having a 3some with him when he barely sleep with me.

The sex is great, when we have it! But I can tell he treat it like a chore instead of passion, love, or desire!
I want to have sex more. and I want to feel like he wants me too. When I express these thoughts to him. He come up with excuses as to why we don’t have sex more often. (like my attitude or life’s daily stressors) if I have an attitude it from him denying me several time a month.
So last night I asked him for sex and said “No, let do it in the morning” and what was the first thing he did this morning, go to his mancave to play his game. But I’m supposed to willing to give him a 3some and he doesn’t satisfy my needs
I told him “I feeling like you don’t want me.” He tells me ”I do want you, but you need therapy to see why you want to have sex so much.” Like huh??

I’m so overreacting? Is he telling me without telling and I need to see the signs?

More information
We’re both workout and look fit. We’re both healthy individuals. So no health issues.

Edited to add more
Yes I told him I want a MFM threesome and he said he would do it for me, so I should do this for him.

18 comments

  1. You’re not overreacting. He doesn’t get to suggest a threesome and then tell you he already found someone if he’s not having sex with you regularly, that’s not cool. I don’t know if he’s thinking that it will help or what, but you have a right to say no and be upset, especially since he already basically tried to set one up without your knowledge and then spring it on you like that. Like threesomes can be great for some people, but it’s not for everyone and the way he approached it was not cool at all.

  3. Are you sure that woman isn’t his side piece already? Weirder things have happened. I would definitely check his communication with that woman. I don’t trust that situation. Cover up of a pregnancy maybe?

    At the very least he went behind your back talking to other about having sex. He included you in a sexual act that you haven’t even agreed on. That isn’t something that should happen in a stable loving relationship. I think you are are either spot on with your feeling, that he isn’t that much into you anymore and needs others to feel desire or that woman is already sleeping with him.

  4. OP, you have every reason to be upset and hurt. As someone has already commented, are you sure he isn’t cheating, considering he already has someone in mind.

  5. The fact that he talked with another girl about sex and she agreed to it means he’s already crossing boundaries and you should be concerned. He is already having an emotional affair already if it isn’t physical yet. How often does he communicate with her in person and messaging? You need your ducks in a row with a divorce lawyer.

  6. Hey OP.. I think you both should see a marriage counsellor. It’s normal for your intimacy to decrease when you been together for a while, have kids. Jobs etc everyday stressors but it’s so important to take time for the both of you too. Do you guys do date night, do some role play, sexy lingerie, sex toys to see if that will get him going.
    If he keeps pushing you away, maybe it he should get some blood work done to see his hormone level, is he taking any type of anti-depressants or medications that could be decreasing his libido. He is still very young so it’s good always to get checked out in case and treated.
    Now because he wanted a threesome, and already had a female in mind and spoke with her that’s a bit concerning. It’s good you squashed that idea as that could cause a lot of problems down the road in your marriage. The question you need to ask yourself who is this women? How did he contact her? Is he still contacting her!
    Sometimes when your partner all of sudden is distant and is not being intimate with you, especially if you notice a big change and now he wants a threesome with someone he has spoken to. That is a big red flag in my book that he could be cheating with this person and wanting to bring her in to your bedroom with you as a threesome. So then he can continue to have a sexual relationship with her on the side, as if you gave him the approval for the threesome. He will gaslighting you and manipulate you into thinking it was an open relationship, or you gave him the green light with the threesome and you didn’t enjoy it so he wanted to continue with this person blah blah blah.
    So if I were you I would take a deep dive and find out the name of this woman, check his socials she is she is there, try to get access to his phone and see if he has any texts, calls, snaps, or what’s apps message from her or any other woman, check emails too. Than if anything comes up or if nothing comes up you need to have a big conversation with your hubby.
    Therapy, marriage counselling, to help bridge your relationship closer and work on any cracks to strengthen your marriage and become stronger and help with your intimacy.
    If he has been involved in any type of cheating than you need to decide what you want to do? This is a big decision and again therapy is always a place to start.
    But we don’t want to jump to conclusions until you do your investigation.
    So good luck and keep us posted.
    Update Me!

  9. You’re not overreacting. And He is jerking your chain in saying he’ll do MFM for you. He’s trying manipulate you by offering this and it’s not likely in earnest.

    Or he might think he’ll be ok with it but as soon as he sees another guy legit put his hands on you (or more) he’ll likely loose his mind because he won’t be able to handle the reality of it.

  10. Do it arrange for another male to join you both..
    Multiple things can happen , either he gets jealous which will spark more attention, or he enjoys it and you get a really good night of sex with you being the center of attention , a wonderful evening of multiple orgasms and drenched bed sheets, or perhaps he may enjoy seeing you get deep dicked and convulsing in
    multiple orgasms as he looks on… things are not working for you now …. roll the dice

  11. Probably already sleeping with her, and now he wants to introduce her so he can insert her in your marriage

  13. Nah. Other people can do what they want but if my husband wanted a threesome I would make him a single
    man.

  14. Out of curiosity, how would you react if he would have said 3some with two guys? Asking because I may have sort of a relatable situation in some sense, but most certainly not the same.

  15. I’m not sure you’ve come to the clear conclusion yet. He wants to have sex. Just not with you. It’s why he would invest time and emotion into a new project woman but not you. He simply doesn’t currently see you as a romantic partner and hasn’t put the emotional investment he should into his marriage.

  18. First he should of been talking to YOU FIRST about adding any outside party into your bedroom. He should NOT be discussing private things with another woman period!!!! That would be a red flag right there for me. I would be thinking after not feeling wanted and desired by my husband that there was more to this other woman and him that he’s not telling me. Just because you want your husband to initiate sex and want to feel loved and desired also does not make you have a problem that needs therapy. Us woman all want that from our partners, same with men, the feeling that our partners see us desirable. Also I wanted to add we can have the fittest bodies and be on our best shape and still not be enough for that person to be attractive to that person.

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