I (33M) have lived most of my life with my mum (61F) and grandma (86F). During the last years of staying with them, we got into a lot of fights because of their controlling behavior. Throughout my life, they were overbearing and overprotective and as I grew older I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt suffocated living in the same home so I moved out when I was 29. However, I continued to live very close to their home and would visit almost every day.
Two years ago I met a girl who is Asian (I am European) and we started a long-distance relationship with often visits during the year. Our plan from the beginning was to close distance and she found a good job in one of the European countries. My company has an office there so I can work from there as well. Since I brought this up my mum and grandma are against me moving and are making me feel guilty for leaving them (grandma says she is old and will die if I leave and similar things). I want to move to be with my girlfriend because I love her and plan to marry her and start a family someday. But since I lived so long with family I feel very guilty leaving (and they are adding to this feeling with behavior). Is leaving them selfish from me or they are being unreasonable? Thank you in advance for your advice.
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TLDR: I have been living with mum and grandma most of my life. Now planning to move to another country because of love. They make me feel guilty about it. Am I being selfish for leaving?
8 comments
Dude, you’re 33. Time to cut the cord and live your own life. Your mom and grandma need to learn how to let go. Move on with your girlfriend and don’t look back.
Sorry but she gonna die regardless
No,you must go, you must live.
You need to live your life. I hope the move works out for you and you and your girlfriend are happy together.
Your relationship with them has been unhealthy for years (probably your entire life). You moved out but still visit every day and it sounds like there’s some enmeshment or codependency going on.
You owe it to yourself to get mentally healthy and live your life. They will not like it and may never come around but you have to set boundaries and do what’s best for you.
I moved away from home over a decade ago. The reality is I only see my family but once a year. If that. It’s crazy that a decade could go by, and you’ve only seen your mother 10 times. 20 years, only 20 times. Grandma is wrapping her head around the fact that yes, she will die, and now she might be able to count the # of times she will see your face again on her hands. It must be so hard to be in that position. It’s totally not unreasonable that they’re being dramatic over this, because it is, in fact, a serious and dramatic reality.
I say this as someone who grew up in a non-abusive household though. In the case of actually preferring to go so low contact with family because it is unhealthy for you otherwise (might be, even if you don’t consciously realize it now), of course it’s not selfish. For me, I’d gladly see my family once a week, but I just chose living somewhere else over them. You could probably say I am selfish for that, and I do feel guilt regularly.
Unfortunately with your relationship, one of you has to leave your family. Maybe you are financially well off enough that you can both visit or pay for visits more frequently than me. In a healthy relationship with one’s parents, there’s a balance between seeing them every day (too much) and seeing them once a year (I think too little). I hope you find that, if it works for you.
You are not. Most people with control issues don’t like being challenged. So good on you for considering following your heart. You are also your own person. In the end, you have the final say over every thought, feeling, emotion, and desire. At some point it’s good to choose yourself in those capacities. And if this is real love and they’re trying to stop you, they’re more interested in controlling you than anything else. Stand firm in your decision to move!
Be selfish! This is YOUR life. It’s normal to want to find love and have a family.
They are being VERY selfish well past any social norms.
Tactically – make sure you can quietly find your legal documents. There’s a lot of people who will destroy documents to keep people under their thumb longer.
Good luck!