It’s been one month since my (28f) wedding with “Fred” (28m) and I am refusing to sign our marriage license and now I am honestly considering leaving him.
For 6 years, I believed Fred and I were on the same page about what we wanted from one another and our future. We AGREED (as in he’s made this point as well) we didn’t want children – EVER – and I made it clear before and during wedding planning that I wasn’t changing my last name – EVER. He AGREED to this. I am an only child, while Fred has 3 brothers. My last name dies with me, while his family’s last name will “continue on” with his 3 brothers, who are all married with children, and with this all considered and points made on these facts, I believed there wasn’t an issue because Fred AGREED to it.
I personally hate the tradition of taking on the husbands last name. In my PERSONAL, EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE OPINION (for all you ready to jump me in the comments) is an archaic tradition that feels more like the transfer of property to a man, than a union. And even though I’m never having children, even the thought of someone else’s last name being attached to my hypothetical child’s if I do all 9 months of creating it and wrecking my bod just doesn’t sit right with me. On top of that, why should I have to change all my registered ID’s and documentation just because I’m a woman?! It’s not fair.
So – it’s our wedding day and Fred really pushed to have a ceremony in front of everyone where we’d sign our marriage license together. He was first to go, and when it was my turn, he had his hand placed really weirdly on the document. I told him to move his hand, we had an awkward, quiet battle about it, and when he finally did I saw what he was hiding.
It was his job to fill out all the forms for the license since he offered to do that for me so I had “one less thing to worry about” and he went behind my back and PURPOSELY filled it out so I would be taking his last name. Turns out in florida you can put your maiden name AND the name you are changing it to on the form and that’s what I saw on the license. Both names. We were at the clerk together with all of our needed ID’s and documentation and I was so stressed and exhausted I wasn’t paying attention and I Fucking trusted him so I never thought once that in any world I would need to review what he filled out or to even review the license when we had it in hand.
I refused to make a scene in front of all our friends and family or fall into the pressure I was under, so I pretended to sign it, and the rest of the night was ruined for me. Everything I thought we agreed to and all my preferences he knew about and thought he respected were fucking destroyed, it was like my world was ending in what should have been the best day of my life.
Fred is now a completely different person. He’s all about tradition now and how it’s his right to have a wife with his last name, how it’s embarrassing that his brother’s wives didn’t make this an issue for them and how all his friends will give him shit if I don’t change it. He keeps saying that it’s not that big of a deal and im ruining our future. On top of that he keeps bringing up the child argument saying “we can’t both have different last names, and they should take mine.” WE SAID WE DIDN’T WANT KIDS.
I know it’s technically the certificate that changes your last name, but to know this is what he’s wanted all along and that he was willing to try and pull one over on me is disgusting. I feel manipulated and heartbroken, and now he’s put all the pressure on me to make a decision because time is running out on filing for our marriage certification and he isn’t changing his mind – I feel like I’ve wasted our guests time, our and our families money for the wedding, and now our future together because I let him fool me for 6 years and I never saw this happening to me. I feel like I’ve wasted my life and I’m backed into a corner with someone I don’t even recognize anymore.
38 comments
NTA annulment if he is willing to lie about this what else is he lying about
Even aside from all the relationship stuff, this guy tried to trick you into signing a document that you were very clear you didn’t agree to. It sounds like he’s showing his true colors. I’m so proud of you for standing up for your principles and not going along with his shitty, misogynistic plan.
that’s really rough, but at least you found out he was a massive PoS (just) before you were actually married. If he’s been conning you on this, who knows what else he’s been conning you on and would con you on in the future. gotta bail :/
And this is how abusive marriages start.
Not openly and violently, but with small incremental changes to who you thought you were with. Slowly the “real” him comes out into the open once you find yourself with ever reducing options.
> I feel like I’ve wasted our guests time, our and our families money for the wedding, and now our future together because I let him fool me for 6 years and I never saw this happening to me.
> I feel like I’ve wasted my life and I’m backed into a corner with someone I don’t even recognize anymore.
Please do not let the sunk cost fallacy entrap you even further in this. Because sticking with it will have you leading a life that you do not want but by then it will be too late and even harder to leave.
This is after all how many abusive marriages start off.
If you are sure you want zero kids, get a long term birth control. If the name change is a hill you choose to die on, leave. He can’t be trusted. I will bet my hair color that he was talking to his brothers about what you want and they changed his mind. He totally deceived you and played you for a fool or an idiot. Neither are acceptable. Good Luck, but I don’t think this jerk will ever respect you.
He broke your trust. Can you really trust him now?
When they show you who they are, believe them.
It is EXTREMELY common for abusers to wait until they have their victims “locked down” (marriage, kids) before they become abusive. You just happened to catch him in the act.
There is no coming back from this. If anyone asks you why, you tell them exactly what happened: he deceived you. There is no reason for you to be embarrassed about what *he* did. It is not your fault.
Ummm ya no rip that paper into a million pieces and get the fuck out now! It’s the lying and trying to deceive that’s wrong here. You will be miserable, pregnant and have his last name if you stay.
Leave. You are young. This is supposed to be the best time of the marriage. He ruined that for you
Yes, run now. He thinks he has you locked in and he gets kids.
*You* didn’t waste time and anyone’s money. *He* did! By lying to you about super crucial things. Do not get married to him! What he did to you is super manipulative and disgusting. And you now know that you don’t want the same things (kids for example; or a mutually respectful relationship). Please do not give in – a marriage that starts this badly before it has even really started is a huge mess you don’t want in your life.
And he is not a kind person who wants to be equals with their partner. He wants “submissive” (“traditional”) wife. You are not interested in that construct/concept/role.
It’s really horrible of him to try and betray and pressure you like that. The fact that he’s a manipulative liar and shitty person is not your fault. He hid it as well as possible, and now he’s outed himself. So walk away.
Edit: spelling
You’re only 28, you have plenty of life ahead of you. Ditch this manipulative loser and find someone who truly respects you as an individual.
This is a classic tactic of abusers. Placate you until they think you can’t leave (ie marriage and/or children) and then they switch things up. This is who he really is. Trust your gut and leave.
girl, count it as a blessing that you had not signed the license. run for the hills! it may be hard to face your family but it’s better to do it now bc it seems like it is only going to be get harder from here.
you said yourself you’ve noticed a shift in him, what else is to come?? your friends + family want what’s best for you, staying because of what they may think is not what is best. sacrificing your values is never worth it
The only thing worse than wasting 6 years of your life with a man who was tricking you and who sees you as his property is spending 7 years with that man. If you sign that and legally marry this man you’re going to see it get worse from there.
Immediately stop having sex with him. If he thinks you’re about to leave he may try and baby trap you by messing with you BC or whatever form of control you use.
Next, divorce him. He’s a liar and a manipulator.
Finally, tell your family the truth that he lied and deceived you intentionally until you married him and then became honest once he felt you were sufficiently trapped.
He’s shown you his true colors. He thinks he’s trapped you into this marriage and won’t leave. Prove him wrong.
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>On top of that he keeps bringing up the child argument saying “we can’t both have different last names, and they should take mine.
He willingly hid and tried to trick you into getting his last name; this is (in my opinion) someone who would have no qualms about tampering with your choice of birth control method (i.e. pills, condom, etc). Do *not* have sex with this man, you don’t want kids, don’t risk getting baby trapped.
Oh girl RUN I’m so happy you didn’t sign
You tell your family that abusers often wait until they think they “have” you, and then they start to abuse. And that’s exactly what happened here.
It’s not uncommon for abusive men to hide it until the wedding happens because they think you’re stuck and can’t leave.
Leave.
If he was willing to do this what else is he willing to do to get what he wants?
OP,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! This was a real betrayal for you!
Personally, I would’ve been happy if my wife wanted to keep her maiden name. I even offered if she wanted the kids to hyphenate the last name. My mom’s family goes back to the mayflower, but my dad’s family all came to the U.S. in the mid to late 1800’s. My wife’s family traces back to Scotland in the 1400’s.
I know folks in Europe where their children has one child with the dad’s last name and the other has mom’s last name.
One thing to note: you didn’t waste everyone’s time. He did. He’s the one who strung you along and pretended to agree with you and pretended to take your thoughts and opinions seriously and waited for the wedding ceremony to show his true colours. If he had been upfront and honest about his feelings, you could have made a more informed decision on getting married to him; but he obviously didn’t want that. He wanted you to feel trapped into going along with him. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. That’s what he wants.
I don’t know you but I am so fucking PROUD of you for not signing the license.
He is the one who tried to deceive you. He is the one who wasted everyone’s time, especially yours,
Don’t sign it, sis. Keep moving in the opposite direction.
He isn’t who you thought he was. Everything was lies and he manipulated you. Don’t be afraid to end things. He’s the one to blame, not you
So, if you didn’t sign the marriage license, then you’re not actually married. You only had a super fancy party… right now it’s “just” a name change compromise by tricky. Next it will be a WHOLE child when he sabotages your birth control. If he can do one thing to get his way, I can see him doing the other too.
I’d move on, leave him, and find someone who really feels the same way you do. Not someone who pretends to feel the same way you do. If you’re worried about your friends and family, don’t if they ask for an explanation tell them that he’s been lying to you about important things that you agreed-upon prior and up to you the wedding license signing. Do you want to keep your last name? He said he was OK with that, but then tried to trick you into changing your last name without your permission. Then tell them his argument was that he wanted his children to have his last name. When both of you agreed that neither of you wanted children. Which means he had planned on having children this whole time and just said he agreed with you.
In the end, tell them that you wanted two different things.
NTA
You already lost 6 years of your life with his lies and manipulation.
>Fred is now a completely different person. He’s all about tradition now and how it’s his right to have a wife with his last name, how it’s embarrassing that his brother’s wives didn’t make this an issue for them and how all his friends will give him shit if I don’t change it. He keeps saying that it’s not that big of a deal and im ruining our future. On top of that he keeps bringing up the child argument saying “we can’t both have different last names, and they should take mine
He is not different, this is the real him, the other you loved was fake.
>I refused to make a scene in front of all our friends and family or fall into the pressure I was under
Part of his plan
>this is what he’s wanted all along and that he was willing to try and pull one over on me is disgusting. I feel manipulated
I am sorry for you.
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You must leave him, it’s unsafe for you. Someone was can lies perfectly during 6 years only to lure you to this moment is dangerous; with a nice smile and sweet lies, the worst.
Tell your side of family about the betrayal and go to them.
Don’t struggle alone.
You are a diamond you will find the right ring to be on top of.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name (and mind you that was 20 years ago, when everybody – at least on Europe – did it). My husband was very shocked and hurt when I said I wouldn’t be adding his name to mine. I simply asked him if he ever considered adding mine (which is also an option). He said no. I asked why not. He couldn’t answer me. I made my point. I told him my name was mine. It was a part of me. I wasn’t going to change who I was just because I was marrying him. He never mentioned it again. Our kids have both our names.
As for children… that’s a deal breaker. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people that get married on the assumption that their future spouse will “change their minds” on something so fundamental. Good luck, OP.
Run like hell. All your concerns and feelings about this are valid.
Contact an attorney, pronto. Since you didn’t actually sign the license, and he lied on it, you may be able to get an annulment.
If not, seek a divorce.
Do not engage in any physical relations with him. I would not put it past him to tamper with contraception.
This kind of trickery is abusive. Definitely seek counseling and resources.
The right partner will respect your boundaries and will not try to force you to change your stance on name change or having children.
What if your sister/cousin/friend came to you and said “my new husband is like a different person since we got married. He is trying to force me to have kids and do things the way he wants despite agreeing to what I wanted before the wedding!”?
You wouldn’t be like “ok but let’s focus on the fact that I came to your wedding when it the marriage isn’t going to last.”
You would probably support her and tell her you’re happy she found out who he really is before she signed that document. You’d be judging him, not her. You also have to think about the *rest of your life*. Another 40-70 years. That’s so much life to live with someone who doesn’t trick you into things you don’t want.
You better not sign that fuckin paper sister I swear to GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
If your name weren’t a big deal, he wouldn’t care what your last name is. He cares *because* it is a big deal to him. You’re just supposed to care more about what he wants than what you want. This is what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with him. If you’re looking for permission to move on, I’m giving it to you.
OP rip the paper up in front of him I wouldn’t put it past him to forge your signature the clerk’s office won’t bate an eye at that but ripped up paper they will. He is showing you who he really is believe it and run.
If that happened to me I would refuse to sign the license and I would dump her/his a** as quickly as humanly possible.
The notion of taking the husband’s name is 19th/20th century garbage. This is the 21st century ffs!
I feel so bad for you, he isn’t worth your time and if you did go through with it you would have decades of escalation to await you.
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. ❤️
I don’t think you’re married. There’s no valid contract. You didn’t sign —- there’s a reason you have to sign.
Think about it.
And consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction. I’d leave.
If he thinks not taking his name is embarrassing, wait until he has to explain to his friends and family that you left him AND there’s no need for a divorce because you never married him to begin with. He deserves the shame.