I’m beyond jaded. I’m convinced that I will remain single for as long as I continue to live in this shallow, empty town. I ended a long-term relationship in 2017, and have been single for 6 years now.
I’ve been using Hinge and other apps to date, but it has become an excruciating and tiresome practice to swipe through the whole city. When you see someone who is attractive and interesting, you swipe right. For some reason, it’s harder to secure a mutual like. When others mutually like you, you remain in Mutual Match purgatory until you decide to be bold and send an icebreaker. Then you’re left on read and just remain in Mutual-Match purgatory.
Just when you think all is lost, you met an incredible and kind person (out of the 100 swipes) who is not only attractive, but has good character. You date for 3 months, only to find yourself in a situationship and then end it because he “doesn’t see himself in a relationship any time soon”. But then 4 months later, is in a new relationship with a girl who lives ALL THE WAY on the other side of the country.
Since then, I’ve honestly don’t have a speck of hope. Dating Mr. Air Sign really crushed me. He was everything I didn’t realize I needed until I met him. And because he didn’t want to be with me, it has made me think irrationally. It made me feel like “Wow, if a nice guy like him doesn’t even want me, then that means I’m just not good enough”.
Dating out here has really fucked with my self-view and confidence. I started to be unkind to myself and compare myself to other women who are beautiful. It’s like I’m starting to accept the fact that while I might be attractive based on “New York” standards, in Los Angeles — I am mid. Not matter what I do, I can’t seem to grab a man’s attention in a crowded room. All the confidence I used to have for myself has been zapped.
I know this post makes me sound like a curmudgeon, but I think I have a good personality. I’m not going to gas myself up, but I think about what I can do for my community, dedicate most of my time serving the community through helping migrants who were labor trafficked into this country. I try my best to show up for my friends. I love to explore new places and try new things with a childlike sense of wonder. I love cute creatures and foster dogs. I dress well. I know for a fact, it’s not my personality that’s a factor here.
It’s the unspoken shallow judgement of Los Angelenos who are transplants. Most of the population here are transplants. At this rate, I don’t know what to do. I feel loneliness gnawing at me, and sense that I will never know what romantic and sustaining love is. Everything here is touch and go.
Anyway, thank you, reader, for holding space and reading this internal dialogue about my dwindling self-confidence and hopeless views on dating and love.
41 comments
I’m sorry to hear about your experiences with dating in Los Angeles
It can be really tough, but remember that you are more than enough and deserving of love
Keep focusing on the things you love and your community, and the right person will come along when the time is right
Hang in there!
I can understand how frustrating and disheartening the dating scene can be
Hang in there, you deserve someone who sees and appreciates your worth.
It’s not any better in TX.
I can’t find a decent guy on Bumble nor Hinge.
I thought I found a decent one up until he ghosted me yesterday by blocking me. I’m assuming he had a GF which was my gut feeling all along.
I feel like I’m also going to be single forever. I’m actually somewhat traumatized with what I’ve dealt with and seen in this cess pool we call dating
100 right swipes to get one good match seems a lot. Especially since a lot of men swipe right a lot since it’s hard for them to get a match. It might be worth looking at your profile to see if there are any issues to adjust.
It’s a long and tedious numbers game. I feel you, I don’t want to go back to it. I’m just ok looking. I’d do about right swipes 10 to match, and then go on about 20 dates with different people, until finding someone I want to see past the first date, do that about 3-5 times until I find someone for a few months to years, break up and then go back to the start do that a few more times until I was married. Keep going, you’ll find someone!
> When others mutually like you, you remain in Mutual Match purgatory until you decide to be bold and send an icebreaker.
Send to everyone single match you are interested in immediately!
You sound awesome and beautiful. I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually.
Sorry to hear that, and your experience matches that of many of my friends to a fair degree.
Have you tried finding dates in person? This is an over-generalization, but my experience is it’s just so much easier meeting cool people in person.
It does take some courage to walk up to strangers and get rejected face to face (as opposed to on an online app), but the upside is the pool of people seems to be way more compatible for many people and you can immediately read body language, get a sense for chemistry, not have to worry about hookup pressure, etc.
Stop using OLD.
Get to know people before dating them.
It’s not a guaranteed cure but at the very least, you won’t get as depressed as you get after swipping through hundreds of profiles and you don’t get matches or messages.
My heart goes out to you. It’s tough out there. People on dating sites, saying they want long term, you talk then date then talk. Then they say they’re not ready.
Like, do you believe them even? Next time, do you dare hope?
And o.l.d. in general is such a bizarre experience. You’re not “mid”, it’s just a warped world out there. And volunteering and showing up for your friends is 110% admirable. You got character 💪💪
Im from LA. Male same age and a transplant from San Diego and I resonate quite a bit.
Im so sorry about your experience. I agree. The dating app has the inevitable match purgatory. Seems like a numbers game like applying to many jobs. I will say that these dating apps are a symptom of the flawed dating culture of today. Unfortunately the dating problem exist everywhere. Luckily LA has the advantage of more people to meet, people of diverse backgrounds/culture/interests/profession so theres bound to be your match. Leverage all the fun events and social activities. Keep trying OP, dont let the vicious dating culture make you bitter. Always remember to stay true to yourself!
Online dating sucks. I live in Miami and I’ve tried all the apps including Hinge. I’m super depressed right now and leave the house minimally. I went to a dinner event with my dad and met a nice guy. It’s super new but it’s the best experience I’ve had this year and I didn’t find him online! Try to go out more and find networking events, festivals, idk whatever strikes your fancy. Try to meet people in person – way better alternative
>I know for a fact, it’s not my personality that’s a factor here.
no you don’t. none of what you listed makes you automatically compatible or appealing to other people. people are more complex than just “wow, she’s a good person”. having a good personality is far more than helping people and liking new things. those things you do aren’t even a part of your personality, its your MOTIVATIONS and attitude that define your personality.
and just because your personality is almost certainly a factor doesn’t mean it’s something you need to change, either. but you seem pretty judgy of other people while proclaiming yourself to be a great personality, there might be a disconnect there.
Come up to the bay and I’ll take you out to a nice dinner. You sound awesome (despite the situation you described) with a good head on your shoulders 🤘🏽
I’ve been wondering this a lot lately about the ladies end of it because it happened to me (30, single male, in Ohio). About a month ago I was out, and this girl I had never met before came up to me and told me her name and was like “I have a crush on you”. Talk about getting me excited!
That leads me to ask this: how often, if ever at all, do you ladies make the first move and approach a guy?
You sound like an awesome person to me. I’m not sure what the best move is but I agree with you that being kind to one’s self first is important. Don’t give up hope and keep looking :). I root for you!
Nyc. Same girl same.
Online dating is a crap shoot. It may or may not work. But genuine guys aren’t going to pay just to be ghosted. Too many of the free ones are just for one nighters
Very similar in Chicago
I’m 36F in LA and found a guy just hanging out at the bar 💁🏻♀️ I talked to HIM and now we have a date tomorrow night. But I’ll agree, dating here is… not fun. Especially on apps.
Dating anywhere in today’s world is not fun lmao
It’s ok, you might find love in the most unexpected way. It’s more awesome that way.
an LA 6 is a 9 everywhere else. the prettiest people from all over the world want to live here. it’s not your fault. maybe just adjust your expectations?
I’ll date you. Just move to Seattle 🙂
He is dating someone far aways because he doesn’t want to see them everyday. Some guys don’t want to spend all day long with someone. Talking is cool but when you want to have a career and be a workaholic it doesn’t help when someone wants that time.
Girl my heart! Preach. I support you stopping trying hard on apps and stuff- but hope you keep your heart open bc the interests you follow (like helping people) will lead you to meet like minded people!
Being alone is fine too- but don’t shut off to real life opportunities that I know are gonna come your way.
>I’m not going to gas myself up, but I think about what I can do for my community, dedicate most of my time serving the community through helping migrants who were labor trafficked into this country. I try my best to show up for my friends. I love to explore new places and try new things with a childlike sense of wonder. I love cute creatures and foster dogs. I dress well. I know for a fact, it’s not my personality that’s a factor here.
A lot of this sounds neutral to unattractive to a guy. I think you may be putting out the wrong sort of bait if this is what you’re leading with to the guys you’re trying to catch.
For example: You spend most of your time volunteering with community service. That’s noble, certainly. It also signals to me as a man that you’ll have trouble fitting me into your life. As a guy, I’m not interested in a serious relationship with a woman who will struggle to make time for me and have trouble making me a priority in her life, even if she’s doing it for a good cause.
Maybe if I was deeply, deeply passionate about migrant rights myself? Perhaps you’ll find a guy this is a green flag for at whatever place you volunteer, but most guys aren’t going to be lining up to play second fiddle to your cause, which is kind of what “dedicate most of my time to serving the community” implies.
That’s pretty much everywhere.
Toronto is not any better. Between the ghosts and “submarine” Mikes that are abundant. No one wants to take things seriously. A guy was supposed to meet me and was over an hour late. My competition? Ikea furniture!!! He was helping his brother put the furniture together. Talk about feeling special. 👎
I know you’re venting but how about this… take a break. Go ghost on dating apps for now. As long as you’re jaded you’re gonna have that mindset. LA is definitely most shallow, just like any other major city.
Take time for yourself. Do things that make you happy and if you can’t think of things… well it’s time to discover! Take yourself out on dates. Do things you’d love a partner to do for you.
When you can’t help but compare yourself to other women, reframe that thinking. Instead of being jealous, be like “wow she looks great!”.
If you ever look in the mirror and you feel ugly, tell yourself “I’m beautiful”. Find things you like about yourself. Even imperfections.
For the longest time I’ve hated my ethnic nose but when I started telling myself “wow it’s unique and actually fits you”, I started to believe it myself. Try it for yourself.
Stop beating yourself up and find the positives in life. You don’t need to date to feel validated and yes of course we’re human and we want to feel loved, but maybe channel that love into other things or ppl? Doesn’t even have to be romantically. Could be your passions, family, friends, pets, etc.
Hope that helps!
TIL that curmudgeon is a word. Neat
Have you considered moving? Idk if that’s an option, but former Californian (SF Bay) here, I spent enough time in LA to know how toxic it is. CA in general is just… yuck. Not like it was growing up. Moved to Oregon and it’s simply much nicer here.
We must do a profile review!
I met my fiance on Hinge and our wedding date is 6-23-24. It can be difficult to find someone but if it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it. I used to have a horrible time on dating apps as a man but when I was honest about my gaps in dating, conversation, appearance, and etc it got a lot easier. When you’re on dating apps, you’re in a marketplace and if you‘re offering burritos when everyone is looking for chicken wings it won’t end well for you.
Sorry you are feeling jaded.
Maybe it’s the city that’s the problem. Are you able to travel a bit? Or can you set Hinge location to somewhere else?
It could also be that your profile is attracting a certain type of people. If you want a male perspective, please DM me. I live in Canada so we will never meet in person.
I hope things get better for you.
I’m in sf and feel like I could’ve written this. Try a matchmaker! The dating apps have definitely made things way more casual.
Felt.
At least you have great Mexican food 😉. Just trying to make you smile. I’m sorry but I’ve found the same garbage with those apps. Hang in there or come enjoy some wineries with me topless in the Jeep here in Virginia. We will even ride out onto the airport I work at.
I’d argue that having the confidence of drawing attention in a crowded room using your looks is not real confidence, it is vain.
Real confidence is the feeling that even if you can’t count on your looks, you trust yourself to do the right thing and that thing right.
Yeah, it sucks dating in LA. I’ve been looking for a girlfriend for a while. 🤣
The dating scene everywhere seems to be really F’d up these days. I too been single for 4+ years. I have given up myself. You are not alone. I decided to start a nonprofit to help families and am concentrating on that in my free time.
I too feel what you do. “I feel loneliness gnawing at me, and a sense that I will never know what romantic and sustaining love is”.
Maybe look elsewhere?
You know it’s interesting you say that. The shallowness of people in LA is my biggest reason for staying in OC rather than moving up there. I feel if you want to date and actually settle down with someone OC wins hands down.
I’m also 30 in La and lonely, so you’re not alone. People here suck lol
I’m in the same boat here in Oklahoma, I do better in person and much better looking in person, I hate online dating