I’m not sure if this is allowed or the right place for this but I feel so low I don’t know where else to put it. If it’s not the place, just let me know. (:
Anyway, I woke up this morning to the bed shaking just a bit and a quiet smacking noise. This isn’t the first time I’ve woken up to him pleasuring himself and I don’t have any clue how to approach it or if I even should. That being said, it’s not the act that has me upset. I’m not the kind that sees it as cheating. It’s the fact that I’m literally IN the bed with him. I’ve told him before that I’m okay with him waking me up with kisses and things like that. On top of that, I know that he uses reddit for his “material”, if you will, because he told me. I don’t even know why I’m upset about this. Maybe it’s because I’m insecure and projecting. I’ve sent him tons of pictures & videos of myself and he admitted to me once he had forgotten about them. So it hurts me to think that instead of using what I’ve sent him, he’s looking at other girls promoting their OF on reddit (no hate to them at all they have bills to pay). He’s now been in the bathroom for 20 minutes and hasn’t said anything to me since I woke up. Does anyone have any advice they would throw my way? I’m just really not sure where to go from here.
27 comments
It’s inappropriate that he’s doing it in the bed while you’re asleep. Like go to the bathroom or something.
I had an ex do this and honestly I never spoke up about it. But with my now boyfriend I told him I wouldn’t feel comfortable if he did it in bed while I was asleep.
Hopefully you can start a conversation about or around sex / masturbation and casually ask he not do it while you’re asleep in bed. It shouldn’t be anything he’s too upset about but he may be embarrassed
How often do u have sex? There’s nothing wrong with stroking the sausage here and there, but it shouldn’t take priority over your intimacy together. Also, doing to right next to you to other girls only fans is a bit weird and disrespectful in my opinion.
Solo play is a lot less stressful than full on sex, you dont have to act or look a certain way, you can just take care of yourself and boom you’re done. Your suggestion of him waking you up with kisses and trying to initiate is putting pressure on him to get you in the mood when he just wants to get rid of his morning wood. How often do you initiate and take the reigns, get him in the mood? That being said, doing it in the bed when you’re there asleep is kinda gross and unsanitary, and inconsiderate of your boundaries
People here are making great points, and I don’t have much to add besides my own rambling/input.
I’m not sure how often this happens, or if self reflection on a Porn Addiction is needed. I’m only going off of what was given in the post, so I will assume you guys have a decent sex life.
He’s probably just used to doing it in bed, and just finds it necessary to do so whenever he feels like it, not thinking too much about what’s going on around him.
Definitely have a talk with him, without making him feel gross/shameful. Topics like this where I’m from/how I grew up are things that are deeply shameful and can bring unnecessary discomfort even though it’s normal.
Reassure him that you know he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do, and as long as it doesn’t impact your sex life/he’s not doing things that cross boundaries in your relationship, you guys are good. All you ask is for him to keep his Man-Time private, and definitely not in the bed when you’re there as well. 🤨
Hope it helps, and I hope you’ve gotten what you’re looking for.
Doing it while you’re in bed is gross and rude unless you have some prior agreement. Tell him that he woke you up this morning and that you’re not okay with it. He can go do it in another room or the shower or something. He’s just being lazy and inconsiderate.
girl i relate very hard w the photo aspect. sent him stuff but he’d continue to use porn. went on his phone deleted them and i was like “guess you won’t need these then”. then he tried to act like he had forgotten abt them. it’s so upsetting.
You are entitled to your feelings, and should absolutely express them to him. You are uncomfortable with his behavior and he’s more than capable of getting up and doing it somewhere else. It’s not an unreasonable request of you especially if it’s making you feel uncomfortable and insecure. If he is able to modify his behavior to make you feel more loved and respected, good sign. If not then there are other factors at play here.
You’re not insecure because your boyfriend prefers to jack off to pictures/videos of random women over stuff you’ve sent. Porn use has been so normalized and it’s become so easy to interact with some of these men/women content creator on a personal level. It’s a huge industry right now. Even the suggestive stuff of ig is disrespectful in my opinion. OF should be hard boundary in relationships unless both people are genuinely okay with that kind of stuff. Same with porn. But it’s 100% ok to not want your partner to view that kind of stuff. I’d talk to him about it and let him know how it really makes you feel. It can also create performance issues which no young man should be dealing with.
So your boyfriend looks at Reddit adult content then masturbates while your there beside him in bed? That’s a hard no for me. Like if you don’t want me involved with this sh!t don’t do it in my presence.
One way to get a trash (porn) addict to stop this shit is to make them understand how you feel.
Do the same shit to him: make sure he wakes up to you masturbating while watching some guy 20x times hotter than him jerking off in front of the camera (no women included at all).
Worked for me and I don’t regret it
My ex used to do this and I hated it. I didn’t hate that he masturbated and I didn’t care what he was looking at when he did it, but it made me furious that no matter how many times I told him I didn’t like it when he did it *while in bed with me* because I couldn’t sleep through it, he wouldn’t stop.
THAT part is a symptom of disrespect that isn’t going to go away. If he doesn’t have the courtesy to go to another room to jerk it, it tells you there are a lot of other courtesies he’s going to skip in this relationship, because he lacks respect and consideration for you.
My man masturbates next to me all the time and I say nothing, nor do I bring it up. I would rather him do it next to me comfortably, than lock himself in a room for x amount of time. We do have regular sex tho. If he is neglecting you for porn then it is a problem.
Idk the thing that would bug me the most is him FORGETTING about the stuff you sent him, like yea porn is one thing (me personally, I didn’t see the point in it when I was w my ex bc she would send me stuff) but idk how you could “forget” about something like that
Ummmm masturbating itself is fine, but doing it next to you while you’re asleep, watching at other girls is nasty af and disrespectful imo
Jacking off. Normal. Anyone who thinks it’s “cheating” needs lots of therapy
Jacking off in bed, while your girl is snoozing, to *pics other chicks*
Fuck no. That’s disrespectful
You’re entitled to your boundaries, whatever they are. But since it hadn’t been discussed before I wouldn’t make a big deal about it – just tell him if you’re not comfortable with this in the future.
For what it’s worth, I (F) also choose to use Reddit/ other porn and get myself off, with my partner in bed beside me, reasonably often. I’m a morning person, and he’s not, so wouldn’t want to be woken. Plus, it’s quicker, and uses less emotional energy. He”s aware I do so, but it’s not an issue for us.
Where do you prefer he jerks off? Alone? Tell him.
I had a similar problem, I made suggestions to my partner that once he had showered, to come to bed.. 45 minutes later I’m still upstairs, on my own.
I go downstairs and find him wanking. I was so disheartened that he chose to wank instead of having sex, maybe it’s an insecurity on my end, but I don’t understand it.
I feel this. In relationships I couldn’t help but feel angry about p⭐️rn and masturbation, though I know it’s normal and I even do it myself time to time. Definitely a deep rooted insecurity. I’m not meant to be in a relationship because I can’t get over the fact that the only way I’ll be happy is if my s/o was locked in a cage with no mind of their own. (dark ik lol) stuff is complicated
r/loveafterporn
you don’t have to be ok with it and your feelings are valid
I just went through this… I told my bf “I know it’s not cheating, but it feels that way.” If I’m not around, great have at it. But you CHOOSING to look at other females when I’m right next to you is insulting. He thankfully understood & hasn’t since. But, if he keeps on, do it to him. Look up guys & make sure he know your looking at other guys. See how he likes it.
Women are so brainwashed these days they believe they have to be the “cool girlfriend” that isn’t angry over their guy looking at other women because they believe “that’s just how men are” and if they say anything about it then they run the risk of being called controlling or crazy because that’s the narrative men and the porn industry push in order to get their way. But I’ve got news for you… Men absolutely CAN control themselves and you have every right to be upset. He’s literally choosing porn over you. There’s over 40 years of research that backs up why porn is not only bad for your mental health, but an extremely exploitative billion dollar industry that fuels trafficking.
If he is doing it with you right next to him even after telling him that you would rather he do things with you when you’re right there, then he might have a problem. Due to it being so easily accessible nowadays, addiction rates have gone waaaay up. If he respected you at all, he wouldn’t be looking at other women in an intimate way. Period. He needs to work on his self control because that behavior is not okay.
Edit to add: I bet you almost anything that the ones in this thread that are supporting your boyfriends actions are porn addicted men that are in denial because they think it’s their right as a man… It’s a gross and toxic mentality.
Every relationship is different. My wife has a free use sexual rule. I can roll over in the middle of the night or early morning and take it and shes always okay with it. But we’ve talked about this and established boundaries. Our relationship is not all relationships. I recommend you guys discuss this further. My wife for example does not like porn and thats her boundary. I knew this when i got with her and i agree to her rules. Have a conversation with him about what you are and aren’t okay with.
i literally have PTSD from my ex jerking off in the bed next to me. if i’m in bed with someone and the bed shakes even a little bit it makes me so anxious and i’ll immediately start to freeze up. like most people are saying, there’s nothing wrong with masturbating or even watching porn (to an extent) but the OF seems a little too personal rather than just watching porn. even more disrespectful that he’s looking at other women and pleasuring himself right next to you.
Seriously, if it bothers you, say something. Being with someone who looks at p*rn is NOT a requirement for a relationship. You need to raise your standards and self worth beyond forcing yourself to stay in upsetting and unsatisfying situations.
Talking about porn in a monogamous relationship can be a tricky subject. This is because opinions vary widely; some individuals are comfortable with it, while others are not, and some might pretend to be okay with it due to societal pressure.
At the end of the day, it’s a good idea to figure out your own comfort levels and have an open conversation with your partner about how you feel, your boundaries, and what you expect going forward.
Best of wishes🫶🏼
it’s funny to see men running to defend the boyfriend but would immediately turn up their noses at a girl vigorously beating her bean to some big dick cumshot video with her boyfriend in bed next to her.
jesus. this is sad