Is this something not to ignore in a man in his mid-late 30s?

41 comments

1. Everyone is different and sometimes with dating it all comes down to timing and luck – so I would keep going on dates and asking more questions about any previous relationships or dating history. (35F for reference)

2. Who cares?

   You like the guy? Go out and date him and see whether he is compatible.

   Dating history has absolutely zero impact whether the person is compatible with you or not.

3. Hey! Unsure my experience will be relevant to you as I am a woman, but I’m also in my mid-thirties and -like that guy – my longest relation was 2,5 years in my mid-twenties, followed by a bunch of 1 year/ish attempts.

   In my case, there was moving around a lot that played a role, and then, I never stuck to relationships when I became confident our incompatibilities were beyond reconciliation – which generally took me 1 year of whole-hearted attempts (perhaps longer than it should have!). Life can take us in odd directions, if he’s open to what comes his way, he might – like me – have given a try to strange matchups and situations.
   If a date asked me why I never settled for longer, I would tell them each relation was its own journey and it sometimes took me a long time before feeling ready to date again/before wanting to prioritize that over other use of my time.

4. I might be biased since I (33M) have always wanted a long-term relationship yet one has never panned out for me, but if you’re attracted to him and appreciate the qualities you’ve listed then give him a shot! You don’t really have anything to lose, plus his actions will demonstrate over time whether his chronic singledom is his own fault or due to bad luck and circumstances out of his control.

5. Not a man – but I’m 36 and never had a serious relationship until now, and I know several people in the same boat.

   For me, I wanted to settle down but I always had other priorities that were more important than a relationship.

   I was very career focused in my early- to mid-twenties. I barely had time for myself, let alone dating.
   In my late twenties I dated for a bit, but decided I didn’t want to live in the Midwest anymore so I stopped looking for a “forever partner.”

   Then I moved across the country and didn’t want to jump into a relationship before having a solid foundation of friendships.

   Which got me to my early thirties, where I finally felt “ready” to look for a partner. But of course now I have high standards because I’ve spent so much time working on myself that I’m unwilling to settle for someone who doesn’t have their basic shit together. And holy cow, there are a lot of people I went on dates with that were … a mess.

   It took a lot of work before finding my current partner, and I couldn’t be happier 🙂

   Edit to actually address your question: My lack of long-term relationship history has not been a problem in my current relationship. In my totally bias opinion, I’d go as far as saying it almost helps because I don’t have a lot of prior hurt from relationships. So if you like the guy, and he is checking all the boxes, I wouldn’t worry too much about this.

6. (30F) I’ve never had a single relationship mainly because my 20’s were pretty shitty and then ended with a three year pandemic so essentially I only started dating this year so yeah 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your guy. Seems like pretty average lenghts.

7. Yeah I think this is you being overly picky. The length of a relationship in no way is a reliable indicator of its overall health.

8. The best I could comment would be as that guy; I’m 35M with the longest relationship only being 2 years, other than that, only relationships between 3-12 months. The 2 year relationship (when I was in my early 20’s) ended because of a miscarriage while engaged. Since then I have been very cautious about starting a relationship with anyone if I don’t have a lot of confidence in it working out.

   It could be because he’s a playboy type that likes to move around, he could be cautious like me, or he could have some fundamental flaw that pushes him away from the women he is attracted to. The only way to know is to do a deep dive and investigate it by asking.

9. Seems extremely normal to me. Before my current relationship, I had a 3 yr relationship in my early twenties, a 20 month relationship from 29-31, and everything else being anywhere between 3 months to just under a year. Not a single person I dated previously ever cared about the length of prior relationships, more-so why they didn’t work out if a conversation about each others past was ever brought up.

10. Most likely it doesn’t matter. I’ve had a 5 year old relationship in my 20’s but.. it’s been 8 years since then! But that doesn’t mean I’m broken or there’s anything wrong with me. I just haven’t met someone I like enough to pursue things with.

    Maybe he just enjoyed life and haven’t yet met anyone who made him settle down? Go on more dates and find out, that’s the only thing you can do ..

11. I had my first serious relationship at 27. It’s not easy coming across a long term relationship these days.

12. I’m 30(F) and my two longest are ten months and eight months. I hope to find my lifetime partner, the past five years have been me focusing on my career, friendships, trauma, covid, and I feel like I’m ready now this year. Fully ready. I had sense-of-self issues when I was younger, maybe because of my adhd? so I spent time to focus on who I was instead of relationship after relationship where they don’t stick around. I would understand someone judging me for that but I would think they’re pretty shallow and not looking at me as a whole. My LTP will get a majority of my firsts and I think whoever that is would handle that level of trust from me with grace and understanding.

13. People prioritize different things. Life happens. My longest relationship of 2 yrs was… in high school. It also takes two so maybe he was very invested in a relationship with someone but the person felt differently. It’s not always in our control.

    Is it possible that you are looking for red flags because you are are afraid of getting hurt? There’s no way to avoiding that unfortunately

14. I’m a 30 year old man and my longest was 3 years. A lot of my failed dating prospects since had come down to bad luck and a deteriorating dating market.

    I’m super ready for a relationship, but now that I’m older, finding one is low on my list of priorities. If it happens, that’s cool but I’m plenty busy with other things. I personally don’t think it’s a red flag, dating out here is hard as hell so you’ll see a lot of chronically single people

15. Sounds like me. Tried a bunch of stuff, never really landed. Working heavily on myself now, as I saw my flaws/difficulties and partners I attracted, and will probally enter the dating scene again somewhere next year.

    The most important thing is why and what has he done about that to fix it. If those too are solid and good answers it sounds good.

16. I don’t think that’s a red flag. A year is usually when most people really realize their incompatabilties and you either call it quits or buckle in for a longer relationship.

17. Out of all the things to be a red flag this is beige and best. Go have fun and see if you actually like him.

18. Sounds like he just knows when to leave

19. It seems a reach to see that as a problem, he has relationships complaining about the length of some of the recent ones seems a really picky complaint.

20. I don’t think that’s odd at all. Certainly not enough to rule him out. My longest adult relationship was 6 years, followed by 1.5 years and 1 year. I’m 33. I find that I rate far less now than I used to because my standards and experience has changed drastically. No point in sticking it out if you’re unhappy.

21. People change. I was convinced just last year that I didn’t want children, that I didn’t want to get married, but, after having some family move in with me and getting to spend some time with my adorable little niece?

    Yeah, now, there’s nothing I want more than starting a family. Different people find these desires at different points in their lives.

    That might not even be the case for this guy, could just be that none of those ~1 year relationships were fits. That he wanted something longer term the entire time, but it just never clicked.

    >I’m a pretty naive and optimistic person, so I tend to believe in the best in people and not see the potential signs that something is wrong or that I should be wary

    That seems untrue. If you wanted to see the best in people, you wouldn’t care that the guy you like hasn’t had super long relationships. You wouldn’t be asking this on reddit, you’d just enjoy your time with him.

22. OP you need more information. I find 6 months to a year really means you are out of the honeymoon stage and see the person for who they are. Perhaps he runs after the initial wow wears off, or it could be that he finds people don’t share ehis values, timelines, maybe even sexual proclivities. I’d explore it. See what he says but if you feel he isn’t being forthright id move on

23. His experience with relationships sound a lot like mine! I had a 4 year relationship in college (weird, I know), and then 5 relationships that each lasted about a year, some a bit less, some a bit more, between 29 and 39. Mostly I’ve found that around the year mark incompatibles really become apparent. And you, as a couple, either find a way to compromise through them. Or you don’t and you break up.

    Look at how he talks about his past relationships. Are all of his exes ‘crazy’? Is there a pattern to why the relationships ended?

24. It really frustrates me that it’s the norm/expectation by society to be in a relationship, and that anyone who hasn’t lived that life raises a red flag/can be a deal-breaker for some.

    How about the fact people might want to live/experience life on their own before settling down? What if people have a lot they need to work on with their own life before bringing someone else in? And recognize it’d be unfair to the other person if you were to date them?

    It should be a green flag that a person didn’t just be in a relationship because society expects them to, when they weren’t ready.

25. 38M here, had plenty of short terms (less than 6 months), mids (1+ year), and long terms (two 5+ years relationships and a marriage). Currently dating my gf for 1 year now with the intention of marrying her next year.

    I don’t think his lack of long term relationships in the past is a red flag as long he consistently showing you those positive qualities (emotional and intellectual maturity, humble, kind, etc)

    No one can answer why he never had long terms in the past other than himself, and if that bother you so much then it might be something that you should ask him.

    Depending how long you two been seeing each other, it may or may not cause issue as it could signal your insecurity about his past, instead of focusing on your current dating dynamics and getting to know each other at a deeper level.

    It’s not wrong wanting to know about your potential partner’s past dating history to get a better idea and understanding of who he was as a person then and the growth he achieved since then. However, asking that possibly touchy subject too early in your dating timeline can make you seem insecure and judgey of his past, depending how secure he is sharing that info with you.

    People do change for the better with past experiences. It could be that he didn’t want settle then, more focused at his education/career at that time, or just bad luck and kept getting dumped/cheated on by his exes. It can be anything, but all that was in the past.

    Dating in our 30s will come with a certain level of baggage, and that’s a given for most of us. If he’s treating you with respect, maturity, and giving you what you need from this dating process, why would his past matter that much?

26. After being in a short relationship and observing friends in long/multiple relationships – I only think relationship experience matters in the constant courtship of each other. Are we attentive when they have a bad day, are we present, do we understand the give & take of relationship dynamics and what constitutes the needs of that particular person?

    Relationships have not shown me whether or not you practice mindfulness, are doing inner healing, have done personal trauma work, or if you have developed good conflict & communication patterns. Relationships surface the wounding we have from our parents/caretakers but it does not mean the people in those relationships address those wounds on a deep level to fix them, or are even aware of them.

    It takes a conscientious and aware person to notice these things and if you do see yourself as pretty self-aware, I’d ask questions surrounding his childhood, his inner fears, how he handles conflict, what’s his own self-therapy look like, how does he self-regulate, attachment styles/mood disorders, etc. And most importantly he can tell you a lot of roundabout answers and it’ll be up to your own developmental experience to see if it’s a genuine/to the core healthy answer, so I’d say it’s vital to see him in different live situations.

    Plan activities that’ll surface different parts of him. For example if you do mini-golf and get competitive, how does he react in terms of competition? How does he react in terms of loss? Do something nerve-wracking like skydiving or race car driving. How does he react when he’s nervous? How does he react when he’s scared? Have a debate on different ideologies. How does he react when his view of the world is threatened? These will give you authentic responses.

27. Im 33F and have ONLY had one relationship for 1.5 years. The right person was just never around at the right time.

    And OP- I’m not implying anything about you in this statement; but it’s just as easy to flip this around and question why someone has had multiple long term relationships, including one of six whole years, presumably leading to zero marriages. It’s all subjective.

28. The way I look it at is that its only a red flag if you make it one. I’m 38 and I’ve never had a serious relationship myself just a few relationships that were roughly less then 3 months. I guess that makes me a walking red flag but everyone is different.

29. I’m 40 years old and my longest relationship has been a year.. I’m also looking for a life partner. I don’t think the length of previous relationships is a good indicator of how serious someone is.

30. I find it weird you even think it’s weird… that’s a lot of pretty healthy relationships. I’ve been in less and I don’t think anyone looks at my relationship history as weird. I dated someone in college for a bit, but we moved to different cities, I more casually dated in my early 20s because my work schedule wasn’t very compatible with dating, got into a relationship in my mid-20s for a bit and after breaking up with her wanted a break from relationships, and suddenly was in my 30s and not finding someone I felt I wanted to get serious with. Then boom, pandemic, and I had an injury.

    Your 20s can vanish really fast without finding time (or the right person) to be in a relationship .

31. I don’t like your tone young lady

32. A man. I’ve only had 2 2 year relationships. The first one that ended was totally on me, as I was immature at the time. The 2nd one ended because she wanted to focus on herself, despite the amount of effort I put into being a healthy partner.

    Anything after that have been 3-8 month relationships due to partners not giving themself enough time and space to process their trauma, and thus have exited to focus on themselves (which may just be them letting me down gently which I find I’m not appreciating anymore)

    Sometimes it’s not the man.

33. This is way better than him having some ex-wife of over a decade where you’d be well into middle age yourself before being able to compete with that history, raising her kids the whole time.

    Also, two and half years is a long time. He can commit.

34. His past relationships details shouldn’t be your focus. He is telling you honest answers and you should understand what he learned from each one. Rather than seeing that he has this number of failures .

35. Seems normal to me. If anything it seems healthy. They have put themselves out there and dated, they obviously know what they want and decided not to stay in those relationships because it wasn’t what they wanted.

36. Both of my long-term relationships were looooong. Five years, then nine years. Both partners were abusive. I should have broken up at the one-year mark. Length does not indicate health.

37. I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone on that… unless there are obvious red flags for why it’s happened. You should be focusing on what they want in the future and if they seem emotionally mature for that, not their dating past… we should know that based on the amount of emotionally immature assholes who are always in relationships lmao

38. I’m not seeing the issue at all? He’s had longterm relationships. Ending them by 1yr if he and the other person want marriage/kids and realize they aren’t compatible makes sense to me.

39. I mean, not to be a bitch, but you’re also single… short of you being a widow, why is his dating past more of a red flag than yours?

40. You’re being picky, if I have to have a 3+ relationship before getting into a relationship that heads towards marriage then I’m fucked as a 30 year old

41. While not a red flag, OP, I understand your hesitation here and it’s something I think about a lot.

    I’m not back to dating yet, not quite ready, but as someone with a few 5+ year relationships under their belt, one that ended in divorce, my preference right now leans to women who have been in longer relationships, or previously divorced, because they’re (probably) going to understand me and where I come from a little better.

    What comes after the honeymoon stage
    What living together long term is like
    How to communicate when things get hard
    Also more likely to be a little more sure of the things they want in a longer relationship, as they’ve seen things they dont want.

    All very specific to me. I wouldn’t call short relationships a red flag, but I would have a lot of conversations about how that potential partner views relationships, conflict, living together, commitment, etc to ensure long term comparability.