I apologize for spelling mistakes, I have heart condition and anxiety makes it worse so im shaking pretty bad right now. So my cousin (27F) and her boyfriend (40M) just moved into town a few months ago. She has been in and out of our lives her entire life, her mom is abuseive and after she won custody, moved her down to Arizona. Every once in a while mom would kick her out and if her grandma down there didn’t want to take her in, she would come back to Illinois to live with her dad.
Anyways so she came back a lot different this time, it’s like her entire personality has changed. She admitted to us that she and the bf moved up here after getting out of rehab and wanted a fresh start, which is great, I was so proud her and excited to see her again. Not long after moving up here she started to cancel plans with people, not show up to events without notice, and wouldn’t call or text people back for hours after she was supposed to be there and would never give an explanation but instead acuse the person of assuming she was off doing drugs. Her and my mom (42F) got into it about those things a few times but this last time was the worst.
Cousin works at 1 of the daycare centers my mom owns and on monday instead of her coming and talking to my mom about a very important text message that my mom missed because she was sleeping, her boyfriend decided to text my mom telling her she’s a bad person for not congratulating cousin on a job offer she got and that she should be ashamed for not acting like an aunt to her neice ect. ect.. When cousin was confronted about these texts she defended him saying he has PTSD and he just wants to protect her from being hurt by people and he didn’t mean those things.
Then yesterday cousin walked out on her shift because her ride to the interview fell through and she assumed that someone would give her a ride, but instead of asking she just got mad and walked out. Then her boyfriend starts to literally harass my mom because cousin walked out on the job and somehow it was her fault even though she knew nothing about it due to being at the other daycare center in a different city when it happened. He continued harassing her anyways despite this because he believed that she was at fault because cousin couldn’t get a ride to her interview.
My Grandma got involved at this point to try and diffuse the situation and help him understand how he was wrong but the texts that he sent her were so bad that she refused to to say them out loud or even let us read some of them, and if those where worse then what I saw then I hope for his sake she never sees him again. He just got more vile as my mom and grandma kept pushing back.
My mom has hypertension and anxiety that she is medicated for but when her stress and anxiety get bad the hypertension acts up. It got so bad she was unable to regulate it with her medication and had to be taken to the hospital because her blood pressure was 200/140. Incase you aren’t aware blood pressure readings above 180/120 mmHg are considered stroke-level and dangerously high for blood vessels and arteries.
She could have died last night if it wasn’t for my brother.
After seeing the way he has treated my family I do not want him in my home and I will call the police to have him removed if he shows up anyways. I think his relationship with my cousin is toxic. He has been slowly turning her against us and feeding her information he made up to make us all look like we dont love and care about her. Im afraid I’ll be the next target for his agression and she will be pulled away from me. I want her to know that I am here for her and I love her but I can’t have either of them in my home so soon after this incident. I love her so much fucking much and I dont want to cut her off and leave her with nothing, but I can’t just let this go and I do not feel safe letting him into my home. I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want them there and still preserve our relationship.
9 comments
Damn, really want to echo the fact that he is emotionally manipulating your cousin to turn her against your family. Seems like shes in a vulnerable state and he’s just taking advantage of her.
The only thing you can do is get your cousin in a safe space of just her and your family, and explain the situation and show the texts and the hospital visits and so on. Its either your family or him.
Good luck, hope you can convince you cousin!
Quick edit: make sure to not unload everything in one go, she may have already been manipulated enough to think that whatever you say about her is all a lie/meant to hurt her. Make sure to open up about how you love her and cherish her, but be factual and logical in delivering the texts and hospital visit and so on. If she does end up in a rant during the talk, she may just be processing the anger, so make sure you try to be as understanding as possible!
“Dear cousin, I love you and will always support you. You are welcome in my home anytime. However, your boyfriend’s behavior towards my family is abusive and we are stopping the relationship. We can no longer tolerate his behavior. It’s aggravating health problems. He is no longer allowed to visit or contact the family again.”
She’ll probably get very angry and he’ll probably send more messages. You’ll need to block him. You may have to go no contact with your cousin, which is hard. But it might be the only way to help your family.
“Hey [name of the cousin], I hope all is well with you. I’ve been considering our family and our connections a lot lately. I want to begin by telling you how much I appreciate and care about you. It’s never simple talking about difficult subjects with someone I care about. I feel uneasy and dangerous having your boyfriend attend my celebration in light of what recently occurred with mom and how he interacted with our family. It’s not about how I feel about you; rather, it’s about making sure that everyone is secure. I’d appreciate it if you both could respect this choice in light of the recent events. I still desire to spend time with you alone so that we can catch up and rekindle our relationship. Maybe we can get coffee and talk about this. I just wanted you to know most I’ll be here for you always”
Send your cousin a letter with some tough love. You love her but you won’t have her bf in your life. You need to unfortunately draw a hard line. Glad your mom will be ok.
Simple text to cousin.
” given the the situation, I think it’s painfully obvious that (boyfriend name) is no longer welcome around us or allowed to any events. I don’t want to corse shit witj our relationship, but he is a vile person especiallythe way he has treated my mom, your aunt.
we are here for you always and YOU are always welcome, but if at any point he approaches or messages anyone in our family we will be going to the police.”
If he starts go straight to the police and block him.
“Cousin, I love you and will be there for you always. Especially if you ever leave the abusive asshat you’re with. That said, after he harassed my mom to the point she needed hospitalization yesterday, if he ever shows up at my house, I’m calling the cops. I’m sorry you’ll miss the party.”
This is quite a common occurrence, don’t expect to save your cousin, the chance of her leaving him who she views as her savior, saving her from her past life, will be so deeply ingrained in her that she will 100% choose him over you guys. Be prepared to cut them both off, sucks that what you’ll need to do but you need to look after your immediate family, and thr statistics of relapse and leaving abusive relationships are not in your favor unfortunately.
> Anyways so she came back a lot different this time, it’s like her entire personality has changed
She mentioned rehab but I’d hazard a guess and say she’s still actively using, OP, drug addiction will massively change someone’s behaviour and personality.
> she started to cancel plans with people, not show up to events without notice, and wouldn’t call or text people back for hours after she was supposed to be there and would never give an explanation but instead acuse the person of assuming she was off doing drugs
Lmao because she probably *IS* doing drugs
> When cousin was confronted about these texts she defended him saying he has PTSD
Fuck yeah I’m qualified for this one! OP, I have PTSD & complex-PTSD, PTSD from very specific traumatic events, the cPTSD from child abuse (over a lengthy period of time, over 2 decades actually). PTSD does NOT make me randomly text people to attack them for “being a bad aunt”, it does NOT make me harass people, and it is certainly NOT an excuse to act like a complete Cunt. PTSD is being triggered by something specific (could be the smell of certain alcohols, music, sounds, someone screaming in my face, to name a few) or a specific trigger date (my birthday for example), and I actively avoid being near people, I warn them “hey, this is a heavy trigger date for me and I’m not in a people mood, I need to be alone to decompress. I may be a bit snappy for which I apologise, please don’t take this personally but I need to be alone from everyone”. He’s attempting to use his mental health as a weapon to harass people and shield to hide from criticism to his behaviour. Fuck this guy.
> It got so bad she was unable to regulate it with her medication and had to be taken to the hospital because her blood pressure was 200/140
This guy is just a Grade A cunt, he comes whirling into your lives with no warning and causes problems immediately by being extremely disgusting and harassing your mother, he simply doesn’t care how much stress he’s causing her, he just wants to be allowed to scream abuse with no consequences.
> love her so much fucking much and I dont want to cut her off and leave her with nothing
Okay, also qualified for this one! As mentioned above I’m a child abuse survivor, my mother abused me my entire life until I cut all contact, I had to cut all contact and that wasn’t an easy decision, it was incredibly hard and broke me for a while, same goes with my brother. They were highly aware of my PTSD but would trigger it anyway and then harass me for being “unsafe and unstable”, my brother was always actively aggressive towards me, my mother encouraged his behaviour and would scream in my face, they were unwilling to stop their behaviour despite me reaching out and trying to have calm conversation (not including all the physical violence growing up which left me with nerve damage, something they also weaponised to harass me). They didn’t care, just like your cousins boyfriend doesn’t care, he is actively aggressive towards your mother and your cousin doesn’t care, isn’t stopping him, is being toxic herself.
So I know it hurts OP, but you have to ask yourself: why should I give me cousin my love and loyalty when she can’t even give me basic respect?
She is unwilling, she is going along with this behaviour, she is using her abusive boyfriend as her attack dog, she is aware of the harm she’s causing but doesn’t care and has never apologised.
You may love your cousin but your cousin isn’t even showing you basic respect, your family needs to cut contact. Whilst that sucks for your cousin not to have your family… are you really willing to continue contact with this much abuse? Where your mothers life is in danger? You need to put your safety first and your mothers safety first, you can’t keep going on like this.
You do a background check on him for a criminal record which I am sure he has. Then you take your mother’s phone to the police station. As for the party, text your cousin, telling her that after yesterday’s harassment of your mother that put her in the hospital, they are no longer welcome in your home. You can feel bad for her but this is a self-inflicted wound.