During our 9 month breakup before we got married my husband told me he had a one night stand. When we got back together I told him to check if she was pregnant and he told me that she wasn’t and then we got engaged and then married 5 months later. Before our breakup we had been together for 1 year and a half and we’re engaged but broke up because of family issues.
Lo and behold 3 months into our marriage he is crying in his room and talking to his parents and tells me he can’t talk right now. Then later that night I ask why his crying and he tells me the women is asking for child support and he took a dna test and the baby is his.
I then want to find out more info about the women, he gives me her name and apparently it wasn’t a one night stand it was a full on situationship that lasted for 4 months where they were calling each other best friends but didn’t have a full label, but he told her he couldn’t be with her long term. Then he tells me she told him she was infertile and that’s why they didn’t use condoms. He thinks she was lying for a child with him and to baby trap him and wants nothing to do with her but pays child support.
All this lying has been insane, Its been months since he told me the news but no matter what I do to try and get over it lives rent free in my head. When I see him upset about it I try and console him but I’m so angry at him for being a liar, having another relationship and not looking after the kid yet and being selfish. He says he doesn’t know how he could have the situationship and is having an identity crisis because normally he’s religious and his family is not really speaking to him.
I keep telling him we need to see the child but hea not ready yet mentally and says he needs time. He’s not really taking responsibility for any of the mistakes, he try’s hard to console me but ends up spiralling because he hates what he did in his depressive state and was off his meds at the time.
The woman herself also has mental health issues and has sent him some aggressive emails berating him calling him psychotic and a narcissist and got in touch with his family out of nowhere one day. I’m scared that she is hostile and will try to ruin our relationship and get involved with our family kids in the future and not sure how to mediate that.
I want to come up with a logical plan to live an good life together and move past this and take care of the kid but this is just a huge mess that I had no idea was coming and it stings that his first child is not even with me. He was my first everything and I just feel naive and taken advantage of. How do I logically put a plan in place to try and move past this or move on?
Tdlr: need logical plan to move past feeling angry and resentful at husband for news of shocking suprise baby after our marriage and how we can move forward with the kid.
1 comment
> I keep telling him we need to see the child but hea not ready yet mentally and says he needs time.
Tell him if you wait around for him to be “ready mentally,” you’re going to be waiting forever, and that is an indulgence you do not have the luxury of supporting. The baby is here now. The mom is now a permanent part of your lives, and it’s clear she’s going to be trouble. Not to mention that you’re having your own struggles with all this, and you haven’t even had the time he’s had to prepare thanks to him continually choosing secrecy and shutting you out over treating you as a partner. Either he commits to tackling this with you together, or there’s really no point in continuing the marriage if he’s just going to leave you hanging on your own while he avoids the consequences of his messes.
Honestly, though, I’d just go see a lawyer. Again, he keeps making the same choice to dodge responsibility for his problems, or not even so much as warn you they’re now your problems, too. I don’t really see a way back from that.