This is the primary problem for men I am going on dates with, to the point it is almost comical. They just talk and talk and talk, and never flip the question around to ask me the same. Some go so far as to monologue. Anyway, I can tell sometimes a guy does it out of nervousness or excitement, but I fret giving them the benefit of the doubt because when I agree to date 2 I feel like the hopes get so much higher. How long should nervous talking last? How many passes do others give on this behavior before you go no further? If I weed them out on date 1, I will have zero date two’s. Why is this such a common problem?
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Also… is there a way to tip them off to their own behavior? I just saw a guy for a very quick 20-minute coffee walk (both busy but excited to meet), and he didn’t ask me one single question… but, he has his shit together in life, and is involved in activities across his life that speak to my core values. I would love to be able to tip him off and give him a chance, like, “dude, you didn’t ask me a single question when we first met in person. Is this normal for you?” ..but nicer.
I don’t know. Getting me to talk is like pulling teeth but less painful.
The way you’ve asked the question has me wondering how you’re being on these dates if indeed they’re all monologuing to the point it’s almost comical.
I’m the opposite, I listen a lot and don’t like to talk about myself.
In the past, I’ve resorted to asking (whenever they finally pause to take a breath), “Is there anything you’d like to know about me?”
Success with this varies wildly.
I have a guy I’m talking to that will mostly talk himself and I called him out on it. “Do you know anything about me/have you asked meee any questions yet?”
And then they will ask a question but instead of letting me elaborate on the answer, they will interrupt me and start talking. It’s like they asked the question wanting to answer it themselves. 🤦🏽♀️
I called them out again. (I want to give it a shot because he truly make me laugh otherwise). He seemed genuinely confused that he was coming off that way. 🤷🏽♀️
story to be continued 😂
I’m of two minds on this topic. I know that I sometimes suck as asking questions. I often hang back and let the other person share what they are comfortable sharing. I feel like if I’m sharing about a subject than they can totally follow it up with a story of their own. I also kinda hate when people ask you a question that is completely unrelated to the current topic.
On the other hand, I’ve definitely gone on dates with guys who love to talk about themselves. Who are obviously not listening and just somewhat waiting for their turn to talk again.
So maybe try sharing some stories of your own. “Oh that reminds me of this time….”. “That sounds like this book I read, movie I watched, etc”
I come across this often. Earlier this week, I went on a date with an older man (45) and he talked about himself soo much. I mean, I know where he grew up, what sport he played in high school, what colleges he considered, his entire resume, current work projects, about his sisters’ medical issues, his sister’s hobbies, said sister’s fiancé’s recent surgery, his old neighborhood, how many guitars he owns and so on. Mind you, the date was likely 60-90 minutes max. When I shared something about myself, he just looked at me like I was stupid lol (with a smug smile). He did not really ask me anything. And if he did, my responses were prompts for him to go on and on. I felt so defeated and decided to just practice my convo skills lol. At the end he gave me a hug and said “let’s do this again.”
I know some guys are nervous, so I sometimes overlook first date blabbing and go out again if I overall vibed with them. I have even had a guy text me to apologize because he was caught off guard by my appearance (he said I was striking). But this most recent date was so insufferable and it seemed clear he wasn’t interested in me as a person.
What’s the point in giving them a chance? There are plenty of guys who have zero problems with asking questions and listening.
I always met women like this when I was younger. Some could talk and talk talk about themselves for a month before realizing they knew very little about me haha. My favorite part was when they would start name dropping people in their lives in stories that they had never mentioned to me before as if I’m supposed to know who that person is! I don’t mind so much because I’m a good listener, but if you’re seriously dating them, I can see how it would be very irritating.
Many women don’t even initiate or are unable to carry conversation so let’s blame men by exaggerating their picking up the slack behavior.
How about dates with an automated system where each party gets equal amount to speak and then mic cuts off?
How can you tell if the talking is due to nervousness vs. excitement?
I’ve gone on one date with a lawyer that could not stop talking. When I called them to let them know I’m not interested, he wouldn’t let me finish what I was trying to say, and instead negotiated a second date. I hung up the phone and was like wtf just happened. Sat with it for a day and it didn’t sit well and just texted them instead. So, just depends on your tolerance and your negotiation skills
It’s a commons problem because EVERYONE (not just men) does it without realizing it. Psychologically we’re wired to talk about ourselves, which is why we tend to think someone is a good conversationalist if they ask us about ourselves.
I learned this from a book
I usually just wait till someone pauses, and then chime in to the conversation with my own experiences and thoughts. Then we banter back and forth.
sounds like you target finance bro’s
As a guy, what’s always interesting when I hear this (I hear it from my sister a lot) is that I like asking questions more than talking about myself.
I’m pro “go on date 2” as a rule of thumb, i’ve definitely warmed up to some dudes after having a lukewarm first date.
but if by date 2 you feel they can’t hold a two way conversation, cut it. it’s very low bar. I’m not sure if it’s a certain type of dude but i’ve largely not had this experience. the last time that i did, the guy told me himself he often catches himself talking too much about himself lol…i’m still dating him.
Just let them know lol.
You don’t what are you 20. Life is too short to lose it hearing a narcissist talking.
Some people are broadcasters, they expect you to broadcast right back. Some simply don’t care about you, so long as you fulfill a role
you could also just talk about yourself too and if something clicks it clicks
lol do you get the “I love talking to you! you’re so interesting!” ar the end of the date too? 😭
none? i mean you should at least be interested in what theyre talking about.
It’s not, it’s what you are attracting. They sound like narcissists on the surface. Which if that’s the case, would likely make you codependent. Peas and carrots of mental health.
None. Nervous talking is a thing, but it shows a lack of confidence and/or social skills to me if it gets to the point where the person is basically monologuing. Excitement talking is a little different, but most people will catch themselves before they go *too* far.
Took me about 2 months to realize it was all about him … I tried but in the end I felt like I was having conversations with myself
I once had a guy who, I kid you not, audibly huffed and sighed as I spoke, like I was interrupting him for… *checks notes* trying to participate in a conversation
He would then immediately brush me off, even if I asked a clarifying question, and just prattle on with that tone of voice of, “Ugh, so ANYWAY…”
By the time our “date” was done, he wanted to see me again for some ungodly reason and I said no
He got really, really mad to the point where other people around started looking so I went home and never spoke to or saw him again
Gave chances to 2 guys like this. Unsurprisingly, both continued to be self-absorbed and went on to reveal they had been single for a while and hung up on exes that left them. Gee, I wonder why? I almost guarantee both are still single lol.
Yeesh. Some people don’t have social skills lol
I dated some for a couple months before that would monologue and after awhile he would catch himself, apologize, and then ask me a question.
However, it would quickly go back to him and the cycle repeated itself. I got really bored even though he mostly talked about things we had in common and that I was interested in. It’s funny because he said his mom does the same thing to him. That she will often call him on the phone and talk forever and he gets tired of it!
Infinite. I don’t like talking about myself too much. I prefer listening.