I, 45F, have known my partner, 46M, for over two decades, but recently rekindled our romance. He is an amazing person and everything I could ask for in a partner, with the exception of the one “but”…
As someone that generally has a high libido, I’m super appreciative that he’s a very generous lover, and that he is able to achieve and maintain an erection, and recover 2-3 more times, if wanted. My issue is that even though we’ve talked about the things I like, don’t like, how I’d prefer to be touched, kissed, when and where it’s appropriate to grab intimate parts, he just doesn’t seem to get it.
I have never been into PDA, aside from hand holding, a small kiss, and perhaps a hug. But he thinks it’s fun or foreplay to grab my breasts when in public, which leaves me feeling embarrassed and objectified. I’ve told him this every time he’s done it and walked away from him, to which his response is, “sorry I find you attractive”.
I would like to just do regular things, like watch a whole movie or cuddle, without being fondled and sex having to be on the agenda as well.
Obvious answer is to walk away, but is that the only answer?
36 comments
>I’ve told him this every time he’s done it and walked away from him, to which his response is, “sorry I find you attractive”.
*God* I hate it when people respond like that, it’s such manipulative bullshit and the only purpose is to try to make *you* feel bad for having and enforcing your boundaries.
I generally don’t like being fondled unless I’m already in the mood, do you know how many times I had to tell my husband that before he apologized and stopped doing it? Once. One time.
That is not the obvious answer, to walk away. The obvious answer is, communicate with him.
How often do you initiate sexual intimacy? Or is it a case of he always gets there first?
You may need to get loud, “No! I don’t like that!” when he touches you inappropriately. Yeah, you may get some extra attention drawn to you, but standing up for your boundaries is the only way forward.
The interesting thing will be to see how he takes it. Does he get shitty, butthurt and passive agressive? “Gee, sorry I’m attracted to you! I won’t touch you then.” You’ll know he’s trash.
Sincerely surprised, abashed or apologetic? Maybe he’s redeemable, but I have my suspicions as to how this is going to end.
He doesn’t get it because he doesn’t care
This is t a serious relationship
Grabbing you in public without your consent is assult.
Try framing it that way.
Lol. Either it’s I don’t get laid, or I look, I’m getting too much attention — !! HELP !!
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Ya’ll gotta start communicate with your partners and understand their views before come here and hearing the church ladies tell you what to do.
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EDIT; Bring on the down votes. Ya’ll know I’m on point tho.
Like the song from KORN!
I need you to listen to me very carefully, hon:
You are explicitly telling him you do not consent to being touched in a sexual manner in public (because yes, grabbing your breasts is sexual) and he has said “I do not care if you consent because *I* want to do this”.
Yes, the only answer is to walk away.
This man is *consistently* ignoring you saying no. You have told him *clearly several times.*
He gets it. He *understands* exactly what you are saying and why. He just *does not care*.
If one of your loved ones came to you and told you their partner was ignoring their consent or lack thereof… would you not tell them to run like their tampon-string was on fire?
This man is sexually harassing, and sexually assaulting you. On a regular basis. Because touching someone sexually without their consent *is assault.* It is a *crime*.
Is that a person you would consider safe to spend the rest of your life with?
I beg of you to leave this man. You could find a better partner on almost every streetcorner. Do *not* settle for less than you are worthy of.
And you *are* worthy of a partner who *actively* checks in with you to make sure they have consent to touch you. A partner who respects and values you enough to listen when you say *no.*
Well, when you specifically say “don’t grope me in public” and his response is basically “sorry not sorry” and to continue to do it, what other option do you think is out there? He’s treating you like an object because that is the level of respect he has for you. Do people love objects? Sure they do! Do they respect objects? They do not.
Oof, like I can get handsy with partners, but I at least keep it on the sly (usually ass pats and grabs) and consensual.
You can try keeping him in the penalty box for longer. Every time he does it, the date is over. But if the juice isn’t worth the squeeze, you can just break up.
>Obvious answer is to walk away, but is that the only answer?
It *is* the only answer if *his* only answer is “sorry I find you attractive.”
You’ve communicated; he hasn’t listened or cared.
What other answer could there be here, besides you just accepting being constantly molested by someone who blows off your needs and concerns?
BREAK UP
Fondling you in public! I’m sorry but he sounds like a very immature jerk. And the fact that he doesn’t listen to you regards your needs makes him an ex boyfriend in my mind.
He is 46. He knows you don’t want your breasts grabbed in public. He just doesn’t care about your feelings and does it because he wants to.
He is not relationship material. If you want to have sex with him, go for it, just keep it sex only.
He KNOWS you’re uncomfortable, because you’ve told him multiple times.
So the only option left is that he does not CARE he’s uncomfortable and that he DOES feel entitled to your body.
Someone like that is not worth it. Dump him.
My wife doesn’t usually care if I fondle or grope her randomly at home. She knows I’m mostly being playful with the option for HER to escalate it if she wants. Otherwise, it’s just a brief fondle or quick pat followed by a kiss on the cheek or quick peck and a hug. I frequently check in to make sure she’s not bothered by it. She always tells me that if I ever stopped doing it, she’d worry. She likes the attention.
But I would NEVER embarrass her by doing that in public. In public, holding hands, or hugging, or a kiss is all i normally do. And if she ever told me she didn’t like it when i got handsy, I’d stop.
Communicate with him your firm boundaries and when certain behaviors are welcome. Tell him under no uncertain terms that violating those boundaries is a deal breaker.
How would you answer this question: are you done with the relationship completely or would you like it to continue, but you are unhappy with these things?
If you are done, and walk away.
If you like him, and would like to continue the relationship, but these things are obviously dealbreaker’s, then you can choose to give it one last chance, and be crystal clear to him about your boundaries.
My suggestion is to pick a day and time and tell him at 7 PM tomorrow I would like to sit down with you and have a serious discussion. Then look him in the eye and say exactly what you said here. Make it clear to him that these are non-negotiables for you, and this is your very last chance at trying to get him to understand And listen.
Either he agrees, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, it’s over. If he agrees, then I would say he’s on probation. One misstep tells you he’s not going to change, so walk away.
But this final warning meeting is only necessary if you 100% would like to continue the relationship.
You deserve better.
~~sorry I find you attractive~~ “Get over it, it’s all about me”.
He’s an asshole. I’d show him the door.
Maybe he’s having a phase.. Should be happy he’s doing it to you and not someone else. Show understanding and talk about it and set your limits. Not in anger in the situation, but a serious talk.
The rush of sexual desire comes and goes. Enjoy it if you can and don’t be too hard on him. Again, you’re his desire..
Don’t let yourself be egged up by lonely prunes. Life is too short to miss out and maybe that’s what he’s feeling now.
That does sound annoying. Do you have a lot of non-sexual intimacy?
He sounds like an oaf if he can’t accept you don’t want to be grabbed sexually in public. Looking at you Lauren Boebert. Pretend you’re going to jerk him off in public and see if he likes it
If the guy I’m with started grabbing my boobs, in public, he’d be told ‘don’t’. If he did it again I’d walk out. Idgaf if he finds me attractive; grab me in private, not public.
Y’all are not compatible. You’ve already communicated. And he’s dismissed it with a passive aggressive “so sorry I’m attracted to you…”
I have a high libido too. But someone disrespecting my sexual boundaries is the biggest turn off in the world.
He should seek counseling or therapy for what sounds like a very obvious sex addiction & the fact that he is nuts for thinking groping you out in public is okay when you’ve already expressed that it isn’t. He clearly does not respect you or your boundaries, if you want to salvage the relationship and he cares about you and wants to stay with you then he needs to consider some professional help.
>>Obvious answer is to walk away, but is that the only answer?
You’ve told him you have a problem with it. He refuses to respect your boundaries. What you do next is up to you, but he’s clearly not going to change.
It may take the knowledge that it is serious enough for you to walk away, for him to actually get it.
You could get a shock collar but it’s possible he might be into that and it could have the opposite effect. Sit him down in a non-confrontational way and make it very clear that if he continues to do it the relationship is over.
Eww he sounds like a creep
Sounds like you’re not compatible.
I wouldn’t want to date someone who wanted me to not do PDA, and who thought I was malfunctioning
Ever thought maybe he wants you to make him feel wanted similarly
Sounds like he’s just kind of stupid?
I think it’s time for a very serious talk where you tell him unambiguously what you want/need him to do, and tell him you’re out of ideas to establish this boundary and running out of patience. Make it clear this isn’t optional and you’ll have to leave if he doesn’t act better.
It’s like you’re dating a 16 year old
I find any questions like these on Reddit a joke.
All the answers will say these things:
-” you communicated what you wanted but they are not respecting you”
– “you deserve better, break-up, get a divorce”
Most times the person asking the question will favor them because it’s in their point of view. It’s only one sided information.
In this scenario, you were wrong; he has a higher libido than you. He’s trying to get you in the mood, even though you are not; he just needs to understand how/when… and if you love him, you’ll communicate that with him.
He needs a wake up call. He somehow has convinced himself that you secretly like what he’s doing. You need to sit him down during a quiet time (non-sexual) and tell him that you are thinking of leaving him if he doesn’t stop touching you inappropriately in public. Sometimes you need to be blunt and harsh to get your point across. He needs to know unequivocally this will end the relationship if it doesn’t stop.
I am 40. A long story short, I have very active sex life with my wife. It’s a closed relationship… and we do lots of stuff in our bedroom but that’s were it stays. Yes on random chance it might happen in hot tub if we are alone. I have very high libido. I think bout her throughout the day. In 18 years 0 times I have touched her in public other than hug or hand holding. We watch a show or movie every night. She plays with my hair and we chat bout the movie… yes I have had stuff cross my mine but I don’t act upon them. Sometimes you have to practice self restraint. Life isn’t a sex party? Think with big head not the little head!