Hello everyone, (27F) I’ve been newly single for 2 months and I’ve been struggling with the idea that I may not be able to have the romantic relationship that I want with someone. I’ve struggled with finding a connection with someone and it’s been hard to find people with the same intentions on making a connection work that will lead to marriage. Most of my girlfriends are getting married or married and they were able to find their partners. I just wish dating was easier. I relied heavily on the apps and I decided to not go on apps anymore. I would like advice from people who are single and what their life looks like in a perspective of solitude or fulfillment. Thank you!
27 comments
I dont think most guys will find anything that sticks until they are happy being single. It’s sort of a paradox. That self contained happiness and contentment seems to attract many women.
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It depends. But most important question is not if is possible but if is convenient enough.
No, its totally impossible to be happy having more freedom, more time, more money, and less responsibilities. I can’t see why single people are so sad all the time.
I’m just kidding, that would have been a pretty harsh response to this vulnerable and honest post. Blessings on you for being courageous enough to share.
I’ve had to face the hard reality that I may not be in a relationship for a long while. I’m in a season of waiting in the wilderness, you could say.
Ive had to ask myself the question, apart from having a partner, am I living the life I want to live? And more importantly, am I becoming the type of person I hope to be?
Because at the end of the day, you are the one to make you happy, and you are in a perfect position right now to do so.
And from all the conversations i’ve had with people who found their spouses, they were in the same position before, and they just decided to dive all in to living a life that they enjoyed and being who they believed they were made to be in the world.
I’ve found that the adjustment to singleness and solitude is difficult and a learning curve, but what has helped me has been immersing myself in many diverse interests, social groups, and activities. Writing, reading, journaling, painting, guitar, going to the gym, church, concerts, comedy shows, movies. I’ve also started therapy which has been a great way for me to connect with a person of the opposite sex in a meaningful way each week, while I am not in a relationship. Its also been really great to invest more in relationships with family, friends, and acquaintances, which I had not really started until the last 2-3 years.
Hope there is maybe one thing in here that is helpful for you. You are doing a great job!
If you’re not happy before the relationship, the relationship isn’t going to make you happy.
A relationship is just a more intimate support system to help you and your loved one accomplish the goals you set for yourself.
It is, I was happy and single for 7 years. I spent a bunch of time with friends, working on myself and doing hobbies I loved.
Yes. I would say it’s a requirement that you be happy with yourself, by yourself, before you could ever be in a healthy relationship. People who can’t be alone often don’t know who they are, are afraid of their own company and rely to heavily on external validation of others, which leads to a cycle of disappointment and unhappiness.
Thanks, every time I read about someone craving a ring on their finger or desire to get married I renew my joy of being single. Can’t stand the thought of marriage. Happily single after my last two year long relationship nearly two decades ago. So yeah it is possible to be single, but people are different. Some are really stubborn in their beliefs and need to find what works for them.
Coming from someone who’s been single for about 4 years- heal first.
2 months is a tad soon (depending on how long the relationship was).
And if you aren’t healed happy and whole (at least mostly) before a new relationship – it won’t get better.
Romantic partners are not supposed to fix us or complete us (no matter what the media has taught us) – they’re supposed to compliment us. We’re supposed to be great by ourselves and better together.
Also don’t worry about “timelines” or how old you are. When you find people you click with , (romantically or not) age means nothing.
I’m 30 years old and single and I’d rather be single than force something with someone i don’t really truly want.
I want a relationship, sure. But I’m also very happy with just me and my dog.
It sounds like being single is a new experience for you. Being single for 2 months is not that long. Is this the longest you’ve been single?
It is completely possible to be happy single. I’ve been single for over a year and started investing in hobbies, friendships, and building my career. Yeah, I get lonely, but I keep doing my own thing. I’ve been on the apps a handful of times, but I like taking breaks.
Don’t treat being single like it should be a rush to get back in the game.
I’ve been single for 22 years so 🤷♀️ and I’m really happy with my life right now! Now I’m not putting pressure on myself to find someone, just seeing if a potential partner will fit into the life I have now
I don’t think you can be *fully* happy being single if you want to be in a relationship. You can be happy in everything else, and you can be *okay* with being single, but if a relationship is what you want there’s not much that can fill that role.
single life can be beautiful too, but it can get lonely even if you have people around you who love you.
Some people don’t crave intimacy and partnership so yes the can build a happy single life
For other people having someone special in their life is important and they will not be content with what they have.
Overall the answer to your question is yes.
Nowadays most relationships fail anyway so that doesn’t guarantee happiness too
Tbh, it can feel lonely at first. But with time, you’ll learn to enjoy your own company.
It takes a period of adjustment, of course. It’s only been a couple months. Also, it sounds a bit like you’re a serial monogamist. Instead of focusing so much about finding another person, you really SHOULD take some time out to re-assess and reflect, instead of jumping right back in to find the next relationship. It’s not a race or a game of musical chairs.
Instead of trying to transform yourself into the ideal partner and constantly seeing yourself through the eyes of others, look inward and rediscover what you like for yourself, and bring joy to the areas of your life that are not currently being occupied by someone else.
If you’re a major serial relationship person, you might not even have a strong individual identity, so don’t be surprised if it takes time for you to form confidence and self-reliance in prioritizing your choices. You can ask your friends for their opinion, but don’t be afraid to choose what you want, no matter what anyone says.
Work on your potential. Are there any areas in your life that you’ve been neglecting in favor of trying to keep up with the idea that you need to be partnered up or married? Career, training, education, self-actualization, health? Take this time to work on catching up in those areas, so you can succeed independently and your individual life doesn’t suffer.
Work on your FRIENDSHIPS. If all your girlfriends are getting married and focused on that, then make more, new friends with varying lifestyles. Make multiple friends, so if one person is too busy, you have other friends to share your energy. In the end, you will feel valued by people you care about, while also reducing your dependence on the feedback of any one person.
Finally, make sure you continue to maintain your personal identity. Don’t put yourself last in the order of people who deserve attention and nice things from you. Eat your favorite foods. Eat new foods. Read new books. Explore new topics without worrying that someone “won’t find it attractive.” Wear your favorite colors. Take walks in the park, go window shopping, buy an ice cream cone and a bottle of your favorite wine.
The stronger and more confident you are in maintaining your identity and a well-rounded life within that identity, the less reliant you will be on needing someone else to provide that for you. That means you will be free to hold out for the partner who suits you, not merely the one that will have you.
Would you say you’re codependent? I’m asking because last year I found myself in the same situation. The thought of being alone forever, scared me because I love love! The only problem was, I didn’t know how to be alone. I didn’t know myself outside of a relationship. January of this year, I decided to spend some time alone. No apps, no dates…….no flirting. The first two months were horrible, because I loved the idea of being with someone or day dreaming about someone. It was horrible.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I want for myself in terms of a relationship. I brighten everyone’s day when I’m happy. I’m focusing on what makes me happy. Now that I’m not actively looking for a relationship, I’m attracting a lot of people. Healthier people…..but also so many guys I’ve blocked and moved on from😂. Even my married friends and family are talking about how happy I am.
1) avoid comparing yourself to others. You’re on your own journey. Enjoy it. (This might be a little difficult, but try limiting social media time too. I deleted all social media accounts, because I found myself comparing myself to strangers.)
2) love on yourself, in the mean time. Go have fun. Take yourself out on dates, spend time with friends, but yourself flowers, etc. I feel like the happiest versions of ourselves attract the best partners. (My opinion)
3) Release the old……. I think that every relationship/friendship is meant to teach us something about ourselves. Learn, forgive yourself and move on. I can safely say, there’s no ex I miss, need closure from or feel victimized by.
4) Figure out who the new you is. We’re constantly changing. You need to know who you are, so you’re able to set boundaries when you date someone or make new friends.
This post popped up in my email, and I just felt I needed to let you know, YOU GOT THIS! This is the happiest I’ve been in soooooo long, and I owed it to myself. I know the next person I date will enjoy this new version of me…..
Sorry for the long message
I’ve been alone for most of my life 29m. I came from a home with two parents that are still together and they never cheated on each other. They had 2 kids. Im a sober guy (7yrs), I don’t have any crazy habits, I work out a lot, diet is in good condition but being alone sucks. I want what my parents have. I want to start a family of my own but finding someone is hard for myself as well.
Just keep trying when you can. I’ve lowered my standards on the physical side. I tend to be attracted to most women now. I’m trying to pursue a career so I don’t get to lost in my head. I suggest you make your intentions clear in the beginning so you don’t waste time playing games. Good luck
Yes
I’m 31m, single and happy. It’s possible. I think it just takes the right mindset to be honest. I’m mentally prepared to live a single life for as long as possible. When I say that I mean if some woman pop ups in my life, then cool. If not, then cool. Really trained my mind to just start living life as if I had no SO for the past 2-3 years. I’ve become more independent and learned new skills for home living. Where did I find happiness in it? Just knowing that dating has been kind of weird and that standards are all over the place. I’d rather just sculpt myself to the kind of person I want to be both mentally and physically and just to have a stable life where I can live comfortably. I’m a simple man. That’s my dream. I’m happy, but I know I can be happier once I’ve gotten my life completely in control.
I been single for approximately 5 years I think. My last relationship was not a healthy one.
I think I might have gotten too addicted to being single by now. Doing my shit, earning my own money. Don’t have to give a shit about anyone’s feelings
When you don’t follow people on social media and only hang out with single friends, I can tell you , you literally don’t care that you are single. You are feeling FOMO because people around you are getting married. But you are also missing out on the awesome experience on being single. Start a pet project. Get a hobby . Do whatever you want to do
2 months is too recent for you to jump into another relationship. Its unfair to the other person and you need time to heal
Yes
I think I’ll be happier single the older I get. The more men I meet on dates, the less idealistic I get about sex and romance. There’s only something to miss when you meet the right guy, who’s often 1 in a million.
So I focus on doing the things I’ve been procrastinating to do. Chores, hobbies, home repairs, work etc.
I do feel lonely at times but after a 5 year relationship that ended 10 years ago, longest I’ve seen anyone before breaking it off was maybe 6 weeks. At times i do feel lonely but every fling I have reminds me why I was single before 😂
Stay off the apps. Full of narcissists who will string you along at their convenience behind their partners back when they’re fighting and ghost you for awhile whenever they reconcile
I’m 55 y.o. male…
I had a similar period in my life when younger. I did have lots of friends of both genders, dated some of the ladies, but never got that “this is the one” feeling from anyone. Much of this, I believe, was due to how I was feeling inside. I was very unhappy in general, dating was just another thing that added to this feeling, not the cause.
Skipping a few years, now 25, I had turned my life in a better direction, was starting to find my course, completed an educstional goal (2 years degree)…yes very small hill for some, but for this former inner city ghetto rat, was as good as cresting Mt Everest. At the stage if life, I started getting serious about working on a career. Moved to a new city, started working on building a new network of friends…then 1 day, I found the woman I would marry 5 years later. The thing is, I wasn’t even looking…
The period before this, which went on about 2 or 3 years, I was actually happy enough, and too busy to really care or pay attention to that. I was doing stuff that was improving my life, I did go on more friends type dates, nothing romantic, and zero expectations for having a long term romantic relationship. I was happy, because my happiness was based on my achievements, not wrapped into someone who would likely be transient in my life (I was still unsettled in where I was living, and career). So, sorry for this long winded explanation, but yes, you can be happy and be single, if you work in doing things that make you happy…often these are setting and achieving goals in ykur life.
I’ve come to realize, people are attracted to other confident people. Confidence is heavily impacted by your happiness, and you project this to others around you. So, I’d suggest working on finding out what you’d like to do that would make you happy, engage in this activity, setting and achieving some goals fir yourself, improve yourself and your confidence in life. Then I’m sure the day will come when you will find that someone, or not, but at least your happiness will not be wrapped around someone else providing it.
I was married for 13 years and after that separation, I entered a 4 year relationship with a man that was toxic – because I was toxic too.
Being single is about finding yourself and being okay with who you are before bringing someone else into your life. I have been single for about a year and a half and I remember someone telling me when I was newly single that I should really take a year to find myself and do all of the things I’ve always wanted to do. I thought they were fucking crazy. Why would I want to be by myself for a year. And now… the idea of someone coming into my life and disturbing my peace scares me more than being alone. Every person should spend time by themselves and really learn who they are without another human being’s influence.
By the way, I am just now entering a relationship. And it’s been slow. And I feel healthier for this person and for myself. Take your time.
Man I’ve been single for 6 years, and living in a happy single life, travel, make memories and experience life. If I can u can too!things t takes time 🙂
I wasn’t necessarily unhappy while single but I did have a big fomo feeling. The thing that changed that perspective is that I pictured my life at 80. What would make me smile while looking back if I never had a partner? Traveling was out, not interested. What if, I built my career and became a foster mom? Or I became a single mom by choice (surprisingly affordable)? Or I never had kids but grew my friend group and had them as family? What if I started a pet rescue and saved black cats and elderly dogs? Those things would make me very happy so I changed careers and started to work towards those things. During this time I also went to therapy and that helped a lot.
Ironically…I met the love of my life and perfect partner when I started my first job in my new career. So, my ideal life at 80 has changed a bit. But I am content just being together. And if, fate forbid we end up apart…I have a good idea of how I can live a happy fulfilled life.
So I encourage you to go to the future and look back on your happy life without a partner. It puts things into perspective.