I have been with my husband for 16 years. We met when I was 14. We have had our ups and down just like anyone else. However we have always been relatively happy with each other up until recently, we are in our early 30s still very young. There are no signs of cheating at all , there is a serious withdrawal from me and our children. We get up at the same time every morning , he is asleep well before I am. I am lucky if I make it to bed before 1am most days. I have depression and anxiety is it wrong to question how I somehow manage to maintain a positive attitude towards him and our kids ? I don’t walk around angry every second of my life. He has acknowledged plenty of times I do 100x more then he does in one day. Yet there is no support from him at all , he gets home sits on the couch and watches me run around like a chicken with my head cut off and has the worlds biggest attitude for legitimately no reason at all. We also have pets in which he does not care for at all it’s all my responsibility. Bedroom wise he is a very selfish individual it’s all about him always has been I can not remember the last time it was about me and my needs. Yet he’s so angry all the time when his needs are consistently met ? I have brought this up multiple times which turns into a giant fight with him instead of him understanding just because I am women does not mean I don’t need that “release” as well. No change what so ever.
I have asked so many times what is wrong , what do you think needs to be done in order for you to snap out of this he continues to say nothing is wrong and I’m just making something out of nothing our kids notice it they say it everyday of my life. I have bought him everything under the Sun to try, as well as none materialistic items. Nothing has worked. I do not feel as if I should have to resort to almost purchasing a Porsche just for him to be happy with his wife and children which I’m sure will fade very quickly. He is constantly picking fights with me , never engages in anything with the kids. They are 100% my responsibility. I do everything for him cook , clean his clothes put them away I literally color coordinate them you name it I do it. He has never done our kid’s laundry never once has he cleaned there rooms in there whole life. I’m literally at my wits end and do not know what to do , I love him so much but his energy brings me and the kids down. He is one of those men that laughs when you bring up therapy that’s not an option for us. I just do not get what the problem is , I take care of my up keep. At what point does one do something instead of tip toeing around your life partner afraid to say anything that might set them off …..
PSA : this did not start when we had kids. This lingering attitude has always been there , our kids are not toddlers they are older. So I’m very thrown off by what the issue is at this point. He does not drink/ do DRGS at all.
11 comments
Have you tried not doing everything for him? If he’s being constantly catered to, he probably takes everything for granted and doesn’t realize how lucky he is. Break the pattern.
Let him wallow and live your best life with your kids. Encourage him to go see a doctor or therapist.
He sounds like he’s been depressed for a long time but he’s also selfish and complacent. Right now there is no repercussions for his behavior, so no incentive to change. This sounds like a miserable relationship dynamic. Could you try not doing housework and cooking for him?
You are married to your mother in-laws child…. Child…. He’s still a boy and you have become his mother…. Go somewhere else, and be a mother to YOUR children… let him grow up and come back to you as a grown ass husband and father… or not and move on..
Have you ever thought…….that’s he’s abusive? Emotionally. When someone is abusive, they are ALWAYS upset, always angry at nothing. They pick fights and nothing is good enough. They start to make you feel like you’re the crazy one…..I’m sure he’s not doing it on purpose. He probably doesn’t even mean it. But unfortunately that’s how it goes.
It’s not normal for a man to be angry and pick fights.
You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s him.
My husband was the same way. He was always angry, ruined every family vacation and outing. God forbid I asked him to come with me anywhere because he’d have an attitude. I tried so damn hard to find a solution for him. I made it my mission to find him his happiness. I thought he didn’t like me and I was the problem for everything. And then one day it hit me…..I’m not the problem, he is. He is emotionally abusive. Depression or anger Issues, who cares. Point is, this jerk was taking it out on me.
So I stopped caring. If he was having a bad day and he’d vent to me, instead of trying to fix it, I would just say “dang that sucks, I hope your day gets better”. No more problem solving. It used to make me so uncomfortable and anxious when he’d come home & was in a bad mood around me but I had to train myself to let go. I never asked about his day anymore unless he brought it up. I never offered solutions. If he tried to pick a fight I would just say “oh I’m sorry hunny” and he’d shut up. In the past I’d fall for his crap and we’d fight for hours. Now, if he’s upset I forgot to do something I calmly apologize and say nothing more. I move on.
Lol he’s notorious for forgetting important stuff and I’d always remind him and nag causing arguments. I stopped doing that. He had to pay a late fee of $200 for his car registration. I knew it would be late and i could’ve reminded him but, I ain’t his momma.
I used to do his laundry every week. But we have kids and it’s too much to keep up with. I told him that if he wants me to do his laundry, he needs to remind me the day before and he needs to grab his hamper and take it to the laundry room. There’s been many times when I see he literally only has 1 clean shirt left, and old me would’ve scrambled to do his laundry. But now? I don’t care. If he doesn’t say anything, I won’t either. Easier on me. What do I give a crap if he doesn’t have clean clothes lol
My husband slowly changed and he hasn’t picked any fights because he knows I don’t fight back. He is super responsible now. It is SO LOVELY only being responsible for myself. I don’t worry about his happiness anymore. Only mine.
You can love your husband and be there for him without being his mommy and running to the rescue.
You’ve done your best, friend. It’s time to pack his bags, walk him to the door, and tell him that while you’ll always love him, you cannot allow him to treat you or the children like this. Your responsibility as a parent outweighs all else. You cannot allow him to expose the kids to his neglectful, disrespectful, hurtful behavior a moment longer because you are inadvertently teaching your children that this is what they can expect from love and are therefore setting them up for big problems. Since you know that somewhere inside him he loves them too, you’re making the hard decision for both of you.
When can he return? When he can participate meaningfully in your lives. As of right now, he’s rendered himself as a liability. He doesn’t contribute anything more than a paycheck and when it comes to marriage and family, that’s not enough. His behavior is actually making you see that your lives would be easier and less stressful without him there. In fact, you already fully shoulder the responsibilities without him. By allowing this to happen, he’s voted himself off the island.
But, he says, *you* made me feel x, or *you* made me do y. No, love. You’re not responsible for his feelings or reactions. Ever. He is responsible for every choice he makes and every response he gives. That’s the level of accountability you’re trying to teach your children by example. If he can’t be accountable, he needs to go.
So he must leave. If he wants to return, he’ll need to get help and prove he’s done the work required to participate in your lives again.
Are you me?
Sounds like he’s not into you. Not attracted to you. Sounds like you’ve got money or are well off, probably why he’s there. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on social media seeing all the baddies and he’s envious. Envious of what he can’t get and what he’s got at home. Or maybe you just married an asshole. How does he treat his mother? If it’s the same then yea he’s just an ass.
This is his problem to deal with other than you’re stuck doing all the work. He really needs to be speaking with a doctor or therapist and determine why he’s so unmotivated in life. He also sounds very selfish, there have been times when I don’t feel like sex, but my wife is in the mood and I have no problem just giving her oral work helping their use the vibrator. I think most men would. The sad part is just missing out on a great part of life with his kids. I love the days when my kids were growing up, both my wife and I tried to participate in all their activities, go places do things as a family. Are there other family members or does he have friends who could encourage to get active or seek help?
stop enabling him. do everything you have to for you, kids, home. but don’t do his laundry. don’t wait on him and try to make his life perfect. don’t feed him. don’t put him before yourself. and anytime he asks for sex ask him if he has a therapy appt scheduled yet.
It seems that you have tried everything in your power to motivate your husband. And it seems that you want to get someone (Therapist ) involved to help. If he wont go, do you think you and the children could go. This will continue to wear on your mental health. Don’t give up on him, just do something to help yourself and maybe he will see that and try to change. Also, maybe stop doing things for him. When you do the laundry, put his unfolded clothes on his side of the bed. Only if this will not cause him to be physically abusive to you. That is only a suggestion. It worked for me. Now my husband helps more around the house. Not as much as I would like, but it is more than it was. I am praying for you, your husband and children. Many Blessings.
TBH, it’s time to show him the door. 4 the kids, u can’t allow more damage. U’re not just a parent, but a teacher teaching them what love really means. He needs a reality check, his issues, his responsibility. He’s a no-show in your lives rn except for his paycheck, that’s not enough. If he comes back, he needs to show he’s changed & helps out. It’s not just about him, it’s about u & the kids too.