This might just be a me problem, and it’s kind of difficult to word, so bear with me. (Throwaway for throwaway reasons.)
I’ve been in a relationship with my gf for 4 years now. We both have some mental health issues, and she did break up with me during our first year together because she thought she wanted something else, but after she got some help and clarity, we got back together and established a good communication system that we rely on if either of us is having a rough patch. I really love her: She’s super funny, a talented musician, and gets along great with my family and friends. We’ve built each other into one another’s lives almost seamlessly after meeting in college, and moving in together once we both got jobs.
The thing I want to talk to her about is kind of hard to explain. For example: One day, we’re taking a walk around the lake at a local popular park, and having a great conversation – she’s laughing ’til she’s wheezing, and she’s excited about something she’s talking about, making these adorable hand gestures, illustrating what’s going on as if it’s a little movie I can watch and follow along with. But then, something changes for her, and she’s completely different: she’s not talking or engaging with me anymore, but looking up at me from under her eyelashes and giggling, walking in what I think is a seductive way, and pressing super close to me. When I confront her about it, a lot of the time she isn’t even “in the mood” – but her behavior seems sexual to me, or at least very different from how she usually acts.
When we are in more intimate settings, times where this comes up are even more obvious – and kind of more awkward for me. A lot of the time when we’re having sex it’s wonderful and I feel this deep, real connection to her that makes how much I love her feel overwhelming. But other times, it seems pretty obvious that she’s imitating things she’s seen in porn – the one thing I’ll mention as an example is making an ahegao face. It kind of stresses me out because when she’s like this she doesn’t really communicate with me how she’s feeling – it feels like she’s putting on this act, and I have no idea if she’s enjoying it, or is even enjoying what we’re doing. I’ve tried to subtly broach this topic in terms of it maybe being a kink, but she denies it. Honestly, if it was a kink and we talked it out openly, I would be more comfortable – but she acts like these things are authentic, when they feel very staged to me.
I know that beauty standards/self-esteem are a big personal dilemma for a lot of women, including her (not that she has absolutely anything to be worried about, she’s beautiful). Just by some of the conversations we’ve had, I can kind of gauge she does this because it makes her feel more attractive: I want to respect that, and respect how she wants to portray herself to the world. At the same time, it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable. I want to be with *her*, and I find *her* attractive – not really the “character” she puts on in these situations. But I know if I said that to her, she’d either deny it point blank and/or I would cause her an awful amount of shame and embarrassment.
How to I approach this topic tactfully? Or should I just try to ignore it and move on? Other than this, the relationship is going pretty smoothly.
TL;DR: Girlfriend changes the way she acts because she thinks it’s more attractive, but I like her and am more attracted to her when she’s just being herself. How do I have a respectful conversation about this?
2 comments
I think it is important that couples discuss shared interests. Have you tried watching the types of hentai this ahegao face appears in? Maybe she wants you to play along, but is too embarrassed to ask. Try learning some Japanese intimate moment phrases. Then when she makes the face—BAM! Yabai! Nureteru!
Either she will be into it and you’ll be speaking one of her love languages or it will confuse the hell out of her and open the door for further discussion on the matter. Good luck and have fun!
I might be going against the grain, but I don’t think it’s useful to think in terms of authentic vs. fake.
Everybody is taking on roles and trying things out to some extent. Sometimes those new things become second nature, and then they seem natural or genuine. Maybe what seems “real” to you, only seems that way because you’re used to it. To her, it might not be distinguishable from what you consider “fake” because it’s new to you.
To her, it might not resonate if you say you prefer the “natural” version of her to the “fake persona.” Maybe she is naturally and genuinely interested in behaving seductively once in a while. If she’s trying to be sexy and you say, “please stop that, you’re being ridiculous and I can’t take it seriously” then she might be upset because to her, she was genuinely trying.